I (27m) have been seeing this girl (26F) who has been adamant that she does not want to have kids the entire time I’ve known her (over 1 year). I completely respect and I want to honor this decision. She has gone as far as inquiring with her PCP and gyno physician about having tubal ligation.
I do want to have biological children, which she is well aware of.
We started out as friends and slowly started having sex about 6 months ago. At first, we were both on the same page that we weren’t super interested in a serious relationship. We are definitely friends first, but we have sex on a semi-regular basis. She is a great friend and I feel that we are assets in each other’s lives.
Recently, she has started to become more much romantic and gets really antsy and awkward when friends ask us if we are seriously dating (and why we aren’t). She has been speaking with a few of our mutual friends about us and seems to be interested in a more “serious” relationship.
We hang out on a regular basis, however we both agreed to not do “dating activities or overt romantic gestures” as a hard boundary to ensure we are comfortable. Generally, we don’t sleep together but we will stay in each other’s guest bedrooms. We also agreed to keep an open line of communication and let each other know if we started to feel weird about our relationship. Basically, a standard friends with benefits talk.
About 2 years ago, I made a conscious choice in my life to only seriously date if I could see myself marrying the woman.
I just don’t see a situation where I could marry her due to her lack of interest in having kids.
Yesterday I spoke to her about it. She sort of balked at the idea that she was having issues or wanted a serious relationship. When I told her that I don’t think it’s a good idea to get serious because of the discrepancy surrounding parenthood, she got tearful and understandably seemed hurt.
She explained that it’s not black and white, and she might change her mind in the future about kids. I reiterated that I just feel uncomfortable getting serious knowing that there is a significant roadblock as a potential relationship progresses.
Ultimately, the conversation ended with us remaining as friends that occasionally have sex.
I care about this girl and she is quite an ideal partner for me in most ways. I feel weird because I don’t want to potentially influence her thought process about parenthood just to be my traditional girlfriend. I also don’t want to get myself into a situation where we ultimately break up down the road and hurt each other.
She tends to go with the flow and is not super confident all the time. I’m concerned that she is just willing to compromise so we can date.
Maybe that’s a selfish way of thinking, and if so, please tell me that!
I don’t want to end things because it’s an ideal situation for me (and her). I don’t want to hurt her and it seems to be hurting her, although she won’t admit it (which is understandable from her perspective).
I’m wondering if I should tell her we should just be friends?
TL;DR I’m seeing a girl (26f) that doesn’t want to have kids, and I’m (27m) concerned it is causing a significant issue.
EDIT: Correct ages throughout.
11 comments
Ya you need to see someone that doesn’t hesitate with it if she’s willing to compromise that just mean possible future resentment
You did the right thing – you’re not compatible and that’s okay. To be a parent you have to be 100% on raising a person for 18 years especially as the mum. Anything less will eventually cause issues in the relationship like resentment
I think you should break it off if you think she’s catching feelings and want something more serious. Plus she said she MIGHT change her mind about kids which still doesn’t correlate with what you want because you know for sure while she’s fence sitting. Idk I just think she’s too emotionally invested for a fwb dynamic and she’s just going to end up more hurt if you guys continue it.
First: nobody can answer this for you.
There are big themes to be clearified in an early stage of a relationship. Big topics are for example:
– shared values
– political beliefs
– philosophy
– religion/traditions
– sexuality
– relationship boundaries
– and of course children
All of the above could cause problems in a relationship over time. So in your example it seems like a key thing to talk out.
If you think she would limit her own views and values to be “able to date you” it could grow to a problem. So you guys should really be willing to find a solution that satisfy both of you, which is impossible in this 0/1 question.
In the other hand she seems to really have big emotions for you so it would be actually sad to Make this a key factor.
And of course values can Change over time and with the right Person. I’ve been with a polyamorous woman who changed that Way of life to be monogamous with me and still feels Like this was the right choice.
You can’t pin down a solution right now and this is maybe the most frustrating thing about it.
In my personal opinion, you should talk about it again. If you feel like she really loves you, be together with her and you will see where it Leads. And if at some Point there is an issue about it, you will see, how to continue.
The option: stay FWB Or End it and Look for a woman who shares your wish.
You need to end this. This is not gong to be an ideal situation for long.
She doesn’t want kids, you don’t lightly talk about having your tubes tied as a woman. What she does want is YOU. This friends with benefits, yes no maybe dating has turned into something more for her, it’s why she’s getting more romantic and it’s why she’s getting so antsy when your friends bring it up. It’s ALSO why she’s now backtracking from ‘I want to have an invasive medical procedure done becuase I am 100% sure I don’t want children’ to ‘oh well I might change my mind! There’s no reason to stop seeing each other!’
There’s only 2 ways this ends if you don’t break this off. She’ll ‘change her mind’ but she’ll want to wait a year, and then 2 and then 5 and there will always be another reason why NOW isn’t the right time to have children, until its too late for her to have them.
OR, she’ll eventually give in and have children to keep you, and she’ll be miserable and resentful.
You’re not a compatible couple.
You want to have biological children, she does not. You’re both on very different pages in terms of future goals. I don’t think there’s a *might* here given she was talking to a professional about her options to stop the risk of pregnancy, and I don’t think her having children to keep you around would be a good idea. There could end up being a lot of resentment there.
I don’t think continuing down this path is a good idea, her upset response shows some emotional investment and I feel she might be staying “friends that occasionally have sex” with you for the wrong reasons. I would just let her go entirely while she processes her emotions with this one.
Also, if you’re at a point in life where you’re looking to date people seriously…with the intention of marriage…keeping a friend around you occasionally sleep with probably isn’t the best starting point to that path.
It stopped being ideal the moment you picked up that the obvious incompatibility was becoming complicated with feelings. It is no longer ideal.
At your age, “might change her mind in the future” just isn’t good enough.
Also, you are really going to set up yourself to fail if you keep this kind of “friends” around you. Starting a relationship while having this weird crush / fwb with someone sounds terrible idea, as you eventually have to deal with your and her feelings, as well as your new partner’s feelings.
What’s your game plan with her anyway, do you think that you are going to keep her as a ‘friend’ while you’re dating? I doubt there would be too many potential partners who would be interested getting involved with that kind of situation. Taking some distance might be a good idea.
You did the right thing and have been completely honest. Dont get serious if she wants tubal ligation she more than likely won’t change her mind, that’s a thing she seems to be saying to keep you. It’s not worth the hurt or confusion.
She might change her mind, she might never. Or maybe she’s hoping you will change your mind and give up kids for her.
You need to treat this situation like she will never have kids, and then make an appropriate choice.
Trust me you don’t want kids.