No matter what I do and through every stage of life, Elementary school, Middle school, High School, College, people always do NOT like me and I am excluded from everything and treated like I don’t deserve to be friends with anyone. I just finished grad school and all my classes were remote so I can’t gauge if people like me or not but it doesn’t matter what kind of person it is; everyone I meet does not like me. I’m curious from a social anthropological point of view, why people seem to have a universal aversion to me. I am not good looking nor bad looking and I usually do quite well academically. One of my few friends said that I am too hard on myself and other people sense that but I think that’s a load of baloney. People seem to have a natural aversion to me and the few “friends” I make discard me very quickly. What’s the deal? I don’t care anymore but I am curious as to why.
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I found out through time a lot of friendships are based on your “value” as a friend to people. Really, what can you do for them? How can keeping you as a buddy be of any advantage to them. That’s the way people think. Can you entertain them? Do you have any connections that can help them with other people.
If you don’t provide any value besides being good company you’ll find it hard pressed to make genuine friendships. Can anyone else attest to my view? Because this is what I have personally experienced throughout my life. When I had something to provide, people tended to gravitate toward me. When I was just kind of doing my own thing and staying low and out of sight people didn’t need me anymore.
I don’t know why people ask questions like these online. There’s no way to know without observing you. You could very well be seeing something that’s not true, or it could be the way you act or things you say. We just wouldn’t know.
I think it has to do with your perspective. A lot of it is in your head. Do you like and accept yourself?
I can relate. Every step of the way has been pretty brutal so I got used to being alone. Being young and solitary was harder, some days it still is, but being a loner is kinda badass. Truthfully, I never liked anyone anyways, so fuck em.
I just wanted to be a part of a group for once in my life but I guess you can’t have it all. Oh well, most people are gutter trash.
Just to be sure, do some due diligence on your clothe washing & hygiene.
Are you autistic? I feel like people bully ADHD & autistic kids often times alot of ppl in this sub are nuerodivergent
Maybe you need to look at it from the opposite side and think what makes a good friend? Are you behaving like a good friend? What kind of friend do you want? What kind of friend do you want to be?
I like spending time with people who I feel comfortable with. People who are very negative about themselves or others make me feel uncomfortable. I want to share some hope and optimistism with my friends. I feel good with people I connect with, share interests, or a sense of humour so we can have conversations that feel good. I choose people who are honest and open and interested in thinking about things in different ways. I like people to be on time and reliable. Also, basic hygiene is important.
As a friend, I try to provide small acts of service like listening to people when they need to talk, helping them with small things they need help with.
Autism? I’m autistic so I’m not saying autism is *worthy* of hatred, but I have heard your same experience from many autistic people.
What is your own opinion of yourself? If your answer is not positive, then I will tell you that this is most likely the case why.
People are still animals, and we still pick up weird shit instinctually. Our own self-worth is one of those things. If somebody does not view themselves kindly, often times others will subconsciously notice it. Most of the time, it will affect how they treat you. Because we are animals, they will treat you more as prey. Which in our society means bullying or general avoidance.
Treat others as you want to be treated, but also treat yourself how you want others to treat you. You set the example for how they should and should not act.
Not to mention that if your worth is bad, you might be gravitating towards kinda shitty people because those are the people you’re used to being around. I was severely bullied, and I know that in adulthood, I picked mean friends because that was the environment my brain was used to and nastily enough, comfortable in.
If you carry yourself like you’re hot shit, people will typically treat you as such. If you act like you are worthy of respect and will not tolerate less, people will accommodate. If you carry yourself like a prey animal, most people will either avoid because they don’t quite know what to do with you and don’t like being uncomfy, or will attack because they are a societal predator and need an ego boost.
In summary. You are a cool person, you just need to externally carry yourself like that. Fake it till you make it
Often I’ve found this to be the case when folks are really hard on themselves with no behavior changes. Often they may even hit the nail on the head with their self-judgments and still move right on past that to focus on something inconsequential like their physical attractiveness or their jokes. Or someone points out something they could genuinely work on in themselves and they ignore the person.
Other times, folks sit and listen to others talk but never actually hear them and try to understand what they’re saying. That then makes the interactions seem superficial and hollow even if they “play well.”
You mention that people have hatefully told you that you were a loser, do you have any context for those conversations? Fellow students during a social interaction? A friend of a friend?
As others have said, it’s impossible for us to know, as we don’t know you. Human interaction is a fickle thing and it might be any number of reasons or none at all.
Therapy can also be helpful for finding the specific things that you can work on to improve your social skills and boost your charisma. Every skill can be learned.
Are you sure it isn’t your perception for much of this? I have a problem where I always assume people don’t like me. If it’s even a slight remark or a slight behaviour from them – I interpret it as rejection. Look up: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
One of the causes are you being bullied or abused in the past.
In a society, people feel more comfortable around relaxed people who seem to be themselves. If you are an anxious person, people might feel more uncomfortable and have avoidance behaviour around you simply because they start to feel anxious too around silence. It’s nothing personal. Do you have social anxiety? I understand social anxiety and I don’t feel anxious around a person I can see is more anxious or timid. But not all people understand that. Might be the case…
If not, hygene is important.
Also, if you would like some friends, you have to act like a friend: be dependable, ask about them and be willing to listen, participate in common activities and don’t say no too much to those activities. I don’t see any reason why people would not like you if you showed these.
And at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you like yourself and what you are doing with your life. Develop self-confidence and radiate generosity. I think this is the most attractive to people because it’s the healthy behaviour.
People will gravitate to somebody they feel good to be around and avoid someone they don’t feel good to be around. It’s not really more complicated than that. How do people feel when they’re around you? Do you make an effort to make people feel welcome? For instance do you greet people with a smile or ask how they’re doing? Do you express genuine interest in others when you find yourself in conversation with them? Little things like remembering something they told you and following up on that can show you’re a good listener and build warmth and familiarity with an acquaintance.
However if you do none of the above and just live in your own world, express no interest in others, in conversation only talk about yourself or talk about the topics you want to talk about regardless if they’re relevant or a shared interest to anyone around you, then you’ll find that not a lot of people will stick around.
I also find that when you don’t have strong social skills, a lot of people will interpret that as hostility or an insult. (e.g. failing to greet someone is interpreted as you not liking them, so in turn they will dislike you in return)
I relate so much to your experience… i’ve been an outcast as far as I can remember. Never could understand why everyone was accepted instantly and it seems like a huge ordeal to me. It kinda of reaffirms it bc I don’t have a very good relationship with the few people I’m friends with.
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy at this point, but idk why did it happen to me when I was 6 years old too, I wasn’t self aware back then
I was bullied as a child and have a similar worry that I’m just not very likeable. I had a therapist who helped me put these two things together as cause and effect. Because I’m older than you OP I can deal with it, accept it and – in my case – I know that it’s my perception. I am not you, so your case different to mine.
Reasons to avoid people: creepy vibes, bad hygiene, negative personality, self centred personality, know it all, “nice guy” vibes, rudeness, inappropriate comments/jokes, homophobic attitude, racist attitude.
I don’t know you so I can’t give you a definitive reason but these are common reasons to avoid people
If you smell shit everywhere you go, check under your own nose.
From my experience, this comes from you projecting your insecurities onto other people. And I’m not saying that it is entirely you, because people can sort of feel your projection onto them, which in turn makes them rather critical of you, even though you think you are treating them right.
I have a friend like you that I’ve known since elementary school. Everyone didn’t like him and I’ll admit, I didn’t like him either. He was known as the annoying kid who was desperately trying to fit in.
Fast forward to high school, and he still had the reputation as being annoying and a loser. I’ve talked to him a few times and he wasn’t super fun to hang out with but all of my friends had different lunch periods and he was the only person I knew. He came up to my friend and I once in our senior year and my immediate reaction was disgust, which I now know was wrong of me. My friend gave him a chance and it’s been alright since. I just realized that he was an awkward and over-sharing person (he asks people if he stinks, because he thinks he does, and is too honest about everything).
He says his dad has autism, so he might have it too. I’ve heard that autism can cause people to have a lack of social skills/social skills. I’m not saying you have it, but you should possibly look into it. He went to his college’s therapist and they said that he had a “need for admiration, lack of empathy, fantasizes of fame/popularity. Plays the victim, does things for attention, especially negative attention.” It was harsh, but maybe it was true. Now, I know nothing about you personally, but this is just something I’ve observed with my friend. These are just things you should probably look out for if you feel this way.
Why don’t you post a link to a video of yourself and we will give you tips on how to improve your appearance and likability? Kind of like the show extreme makeover. Everyone could improve their social appearance
It’s interesting that you don’t care anymore about the sense of being universally hated. Why don’t you care about that?
You also seem to expect things from friendship, when they should equally as much be about wanting another person to feel seen and appreciated.
My suspicion is that you will have to face some very unconfortable truths about your behaviour and perspective up until this point before you’re going to make any friends.
Can you describe a little what friendship means to you?
Autism spectrum.
I also struggle with this. For the people who say it’s all in our heads, my most recent example is not being invited to a work lunch that I should have been at – they went out of their way to make sure I didn’t find out about it because they wanted me to quit. I walked in on them in the middle of it and later one of them told me that she wanted to invite me anyway (probably in an attempt to save face). It felt like something from a TV show.
There was a commenter that replied to one of these posts in the past that helped me realize this might be because I’m neurodivergent. They said this is common for people with autism or even ADHD.
It was actually helpful for me to hear that because I couldn’t figure out why people were so quick to reject/exclude/avoid me. It sounds like there are other people out there with similar experiences.
From a purely anecdotal standpoint, here’s my advice:
Take videos of yourself in social situations. There’s a lot that we do that we don’t know that we do. Watch those videos, and learn where you – or others – went wrong.
Source: I had a youtuber/podcaster phase. When I watched, rewatched and reanalyzed my interactions with friends, guests and people in general, I learned a lot about how I communicated, what my tics were, and what triggered reactions from others – good and bad.
I had no idea I sounded like an unempathetic dick. I had no idea I was interacting with people who weren’t a good fit (which ended up being terrible experiences). I had no idea I wasn’t reading the room (I always thought I could read a room, but in retrospect, I sucked at it). I had no clue about the different phases in life we were at, when I started the conversation. I had no idea I was a bad listener, and talked over people constantly.
Not saying you’re at fault here. But every social interaction feeds off of everyone involved. Good vibes beget good vibes. Shit triggers more shit. If you’re unable to see where it starts, and course-correct where needed, every conversation is going to be a bad one.
I’ve learned very quickly to not rely on my memory, and focus on video, which captures interactions truthfully, in all its brutal honesty.
I know this is not for everyone, but it was an absolute game changer for me.
I swear I’ve had the exact same problem all my life and it’s not in my head. Now I’m naturally quiet and never talk unless spoken to. I’m on the lower side of average (I think that’s why). Maybe I just have an “annoying face”. People seem to dislike me before I even open my mouth. I know I don’t stink, people compliment me on how I smell all the time. I don’t miss social cues, I can read the room. That’s why I think it’s because I look annoying…. Unless there’s some weird genetic reason scientists haven’t discovered yet….
Describe how your average first conversation with a new person you meet goes (assuming this is in a social context where people are trying to meet new people)
For me personally.. growing up and into adulthood is cause I was too mouthy and too upfront and I don’t often sugarcoat things for people. I “shot straight from the hip.”
I’m Canadian but have been assumed to be American more than a few times. ..
other than that, I think a lot of this is your own perception and self perception…maybe a tad too self conscious.
It’s really hard to say without more info and context, but the short answer is likely that either you are giving off some social cues that are causing aversion, or you’re misperceiving and misinterpreting these interactions.
People who you just met don’t hate you. Short of a hygiene issue, they honestly don’t care much about you. Feel better now?
MAKE PEOPLE FEEL GOOD. That’s really the crux of social interaction. Be nice, but not overly nice/simping that they get suspicious of you trying to flatter them. Joke with them, make them laugh, etc. Most people will NOT remember exactly what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel.
And yes, adult relationships are generally pretty transactional. If you can’t offer anything of material value (ie you’re rich), then offer something else like having a skill, being funny, etc. Learn to act charismatic and magnanimous.
Are you a know it all? Doing well academically I’m guessing you’re smart. Even with the best intentions it’s easy to come off as superior and people don’t really like that, especially when they’re unsecure.
Some people just can’t let the slightest mistake go without speaking up just because it irks them but it’s a pretty quick way to lose social clout.
It’s definitely low self confidence.I would listen to your friend instead of call it a load of boloney
Could you please tell us what actually happens when you meet people?
Because there many ways you can express “hate” and that could give us some clue on what’s actually wrong. Of course there could be multiple things but we can at least try?
I’ll give you some examples
– people don’t want to be close to me. The seat next to me is always empty and if I seat next to someone, they’ll stand up as soon as possible
– people don’t talk to me, even when I talk to them, I was never greeted back, they’ll ignore me for as long as possible and do whatever they can to cut the conversation short
– people whisper behind my back, snickering at me, pointing at
– no one wants to lend them anything(pencil, pen) nor accepts anything I offer
– I never get invited to social events nor does anyone accept my social invitations
– I’m always the one who gets bullied
– I’m the last to get chosen when forming teams
– People are mad at me for everything I do
– People never answer my text
– People are rude to me, even when it’s their job to be polite
Also what you need is the prespective of someone who’s not related to you but has the time to tell you the truth. If no one comes to mind, look up if your school has a school therapist or look for one on your own. I think it’s worth investing a few bucks to get an answer. The first time you go to the therapist just ask them, as your first question “I can see that you, as everyone else, already hate me. Why?” It’s literally their job to tell you.
Also, it is somehow curious that there is something so glaringly abnormal about you that hasn’t been detected by the medical system.
I’m actually thinking that your friends might have a point, that your actually mistaking indifference(which is something we default to because it’s the least costly) for hate(which actually cost a lot for people).
Bad/evil people never ask if they are the problem. So that means at least you can be sure you are a good person. Chin up.