How do you cope with the overwhelming sadness associated with the experience of losing friends upon setting boundaries?

19 comments

1. By reminding myself that people who don’t respect boundaries are shitty people that don’t belong in my life.

2. I honestly don’t feel sadness when I cut off someone who breaks my boundaries. They’ve shown me that they no longer are the kind of person that I want in my life – maybe they never were, but didn’t get an opportunity to show that until now. I can still miss the good times we used to share, and feel that it’s unfortunate that things turned out the way they did, but I don’t feel grief.

3. I think if it’s overwhelming I would recommend therapy, or discussing it with someone who doesn’t know that person and who you can trust. But generally when it gets to the point where you have to cut someone off I feel more relieved than anything

4. By reminding myself that I didn’t lose any friends by setting boundaries.

   People who didn’t respect my boundaries, didn’t respect me. Therefore they were not my friends

5. Exercise and volunteering for charitable causes.

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7. I coped through the approval of my non-toxic friends and through cutting them out completely, no staring at their old messages, deleting their contact and transfering my chats with them onto a hard drive.

   And then, having fun with the new freedom of not having your boundaries stepped on.

8. Think of the friends who respect your boundaries are the people who do care for you unconditionally. Keep them close. The ones who don’t and get upset about them probably aren’t your real friends. It’s the quality of friends that matters and not the quantity. The sadness with cutting people is temporary but the real friends you’ll make doing this is what might be permanent.

9. I enforce boundaries right from the beginning. This is only an issue if you let people walk all over you then change your mind about that later.

10. I think it’s easy to intellectualize how it should be easy and straightforward to let people who don’t respect you/your boundaries go. I think when someone you care about and who has had an impact on your life is gone (no matter the reason), there’s still grief that comes up. I think it’s important to allow yourself to feel the feelings of sadness and acknowledge that it hurts to lose someone.

    What’s helped me is journaling, writing poetry, going on walks, therapy, reading about people-pleasing and codependency, and reminding my self that I’m worthy of care.

    It takes some effort to hone the self talk that can come up when losing a friend. Catch yourself if you find that you’re internal narration is blaming you for being “too much” and instead remind yourself that setting boundaries is so important for self care and those who love us want to show up for us without causing pain.

    Sometimes it takes some time for our friends/fam to adjust to our boundaries, but it’s really up to them to honor the boundaries or bow out of the dynamic. Challenges naturally come up in relationships, but that doesn’t mean another person’s comfort must be at your expense.

    Wishing you the best, OP. You got this. Be gentle with yourself as you heal from the loss, and know that respecting and loving yourself enough to set boundaries is so worthwhile. There are people out there who want to be your friend the way you need.

11. I’ve been struggling since I had to cut off a friend recently, but what helps me is focusing on my friends who respect and care about me and my well being! Just putting more effort into them and thinking that I am putting my energy to better use

12. It’s sad at first but the drama is gone … I felt so much better setting boundaries my mental health has improved so much

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14. I tend to replace with someone healthy. But I know noone.

15. Realizing they were never a friend to begin with and taking a healthy pride in myself for defending my inner peace with said boundaries

16. By thinking about the lotus flower dusting the mud it pushed itself through to bloom into a beautiful flower. Setting boundaries is your growing phase. Friends/relationships dropping off due to that, mud phase. Good luck. 🪷

17. Has never happened to me. What kind of boundaries? I can’t really imagine it

18. It’s a process of accepting that the relationship has changed. It doesn’t mean that you stop having love for the person and a person can always have love for their friend. It’s an acceptance that the friend is no longer healthy to be in the person’s life. I’m going through this now.

19. It’s not healthy, but I chose anger. It helped me get over the hump. I chose to cut and block entirely and saw them as beneath me.
    Later, when I was ready to deal, I unpacked all the feelings I had associated with it and I just let it go. Looking back, I can see it for what it was and just say to myself, “oh well”. They were never really my friends. I was merely a convenience for them.
    It still sometimes bothers me, but in the end I am a better person without them.
    The more times you just move on and let things go, the easier it becomes. You truly do have to CHOOSE happiness, everyday.