My(30f) partner(30m) works with someone he used to date casually and hooked up with a few times. When we started dating in February this year he told me he was seeing someone and I was okay with the two continuing to see each other, I was also free to see other people casually.
About a month into our relationship he tells me that they have a toxic relationship and that he ended things but he can’t help caring about her as a friend. He also tells me he would like to be monogamous which I wasn’t sure about considering the abrupt switch up. I should’ve spoken up about that but didn’t and agreed to it.
Another month goes by and he calls me at 3am and I don’t answer bc sleep so we don’t talk until the next day when he calls as I’m making breakfast. He tells me that the two of them sat in her car in her driveway and talked for hours like friends and he mentions that he spoke to her about me, she is aware of our relationship. At some point she becomes emotional (nothing to do w him seeing me) and he asks if he can hug her and they do. She attempts to make it more than a hug which upsets him and he storms off after telling her that she crossed a boundary and they shouldn’t be friends. Shortly after is when he says he called me. While on the phone with me he apologized for putting himself in that situation at all and reassures me that he was wanting closure between them considering their turbulent history. This makes me feel really bad even though I don’t think he did anything wrong.
Now, I do not mind them interacting as friends and understand that they even need to for work. What I have made clear is that if he still has feelings for her then it’s not okay for him to try to bury them while being in a relationship with me. I was in a bad relationship when I was younger and parts of this situation were putting back in a bad place emotionally.
After a few weeks and establishing care with a therapist I am feeling better. I do trust him and know that he loves me. We have been friends since we were 17 and I know he wouldn’t betray me in that way.
So last night we were together at his place and he tells me that he feels like I should know that there were a couple of incidents recently where they interacted.
He told me that she had left pictures in their break room of her and the guy she’s currently dating, when they were in the break room at the same time she asked him if he had seen the pictures which he hadn’t so he looked at them and asked her if that’s the guy she had once told him about and if they were a couple. She was not wanting to call it dating for whatever reason and he told her that it was accurate to call it dating. A few nights later he goes to his regular bar to play pool and sees them both and says hi as he walks past them. After that bar he goes to another of his regular spots and sees them again (they live in the same area). She tells him the following day that it was weird that he was following them around and he tells her that he wasn’t. A few nights after that he sees the same guy at one of the same bars with another woman. He’s quite drunk and rowdy and is saying things like they should take a shot for each of each other’s friends they’ve hooked up with. For whatever reason my partner calls his co-worker/ex to tell her the guy is acting a fool at this bar and she tells him that he shouldn’t meddle and make a mess of things and to never speak to her again. As he is telling me this story he acknowledges that she was right and he should have just walked away but that he was trying to be a nice guy. He said that the next time they saw each other at work she spoke to him as if that hadn’t happened, totally normal and casual.
I did tell him that I would rather not hear about stuff like that anymore and he says that it’s really important for him to be open with me which I guess I do appreciate.
The more I think of it the more I feel like he’s trying to convince himself there is nothing there. And if there is I just want him to be honest with himself instead of pushing this narrative on me. I am upset and have been close to calling it quits over this. Am I overreacting? I can’t tell if this is my response because of my past relationship or if this is something most people would be upset about.
TL;DR
My partner insists on telling me about interactions with a coworker who is also an ex and says that he doesn’t have feelings for her.
1 comment
This has all the hallmarks of people who are still emotionally involved with each other.
He wants to skirt the boundaries with his ex and thinks that telling you about it gets him off the hook. You don’t have to be OK with this.