I’m going to meet someone that seems nice one on one soon. Problem is, my social skills are atrocious. I have extreme social anxiety and I’m horribly self conscious. All while seeming confident with how I pose in pictures, my dressing style, my texting style and my main interests – skateboarding and rock music. And it’s not fake, when I’m with my family I can be perfectly authentic.
Then I meet someone irl. my hands are shaking, my voice is wobbly, I probably look fucking terrified, and I’m sweating. I make eye contact in quick glances because I’m not sure how long to hold it for. I feel like some sorta personality catfish, and people usually don’t manage to get close enough for me to show that i was never faking it. I’ve tried breathing techniques, herbal tea, reassuring myself in my head and even having someone else reassure me on the way there. But physically I cannot prevent my body from acting like they’re gonna kill me.
I really don’t want to mess up with this person. They seem so sweet and they struggle with the same issue as me which is how I met them so it would be nice to be friends with someone who gets it. Anyone have any ideas?
4 comments
My guess is you’re trying very hard to read the other person and give them a version of yourself they would like, instead of not bothering with any of that and just being yourself. Focus on getting to know THEM, and trust that the authentic version of youself is good and enough for them to want to get to know as well. If it’s not, than it’s not. Moving on.
I don’t know if you have already discussed it with this person, but at least for me it helps a bit to let them know beforehand that I will likely be very anxious and awkward at first. It takes away some of the pressure I guess. Then I can think “Okay, they already know I’m going to be anxious and awkward. So I don’t have to try so hard to appear normal.” Which actually makes me more relaxed because I’m not so stressed about being anxious. Or stressed about how well I’m hiding it too. It might help to even say it aloud to them, when you meet (the fact that you are feeling anxious). Simply awknowledging the fact might help you relax a bit. It’s not a magic fix of course, and won’t take away your anxiety, but accepting the fact that you are anxious generally works better than trying to desperately not be anxious.
Additionally, if you tell them beforehand, the person might (hopefully) be more patient and understand that it takes you a while to get comfortable with new people.
You have to shift your mental focus away from yourself and how you are perceived.
There are two options. Either you meet for an active date where you do something that you can focus on, that can be anything from teaching her skateboarding, solving an escape room together or painting a flat. Basically something where you can focus in doing instead of being.
The other option is that you start focusing on what she needs, what she wants to tell, learn more about her, help her with a problem, whatever, but something that allows you to shift your focus away from how you are perceived to perceiving and helping in the moment.
I’m sorry to hear about your anxiety, that must be really hard! I don’t know how old you are but has it always been this way for you when it comes to socializing? How were you in high school with friends and classmates?
I have noticed for myself they after COVID I was feeling a little bit rusty socially because I hadn’t been subjected to social interactions as much. When I saw my friends more and more it eventually returned to normal. So I think putting yourself in these situations is essential for you to start to feel more natural in them. The more you avoid the bigger the issue is probably also going to become. Being socially successful is a skill you can learn! You could also read the book “how to talk to anyone”.