My boyfriend (27, m) and I (26, f) have been together for just over 4 years now, we have lived together for over a year and both have fairly stable jobs. I’m in my third year as a teacher and he’s climbing the ladder of his job which he seems very happy in. Before him, I was never really a marriage person, never really considered it but when I met my boyfriend at 22, everything changed and I realised I’d actually just never been with someone who made me want to get married.
I’m quite a goal orientated person, sort of (I’m a massive procrastinator with the smaller things) I have set myself achievements in terms of my education and career which were all achieved in the time frame that I wanted. Getting engaged and married was another one of those achievements I wanted. I sort of expected that a year or so after we’d moved in together he’d propose, it did, in theory seem right. I had predicted end of 2023, together for 4.5 years, moving forward it seemed so straight forward and inevitable but after recent conversations with my boyfriend, it really doesn’t seem like something that will happen for a long time.
My boyfriend is in some ways, very immature. At this moment in his life, he’s more than happy to spend hours playing video games with his friends and often it feels like he’s closer in age to his 18 and 19 year old brothers than he is to his twin sister who is married with a child. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the picture of maturity, I often still feel like a teenager and act like one. But in all honesty, I am at an age now where I want to move away from feeling like a teenager and more to feeling like an actual woman with a proper life.
In January this year, we went out to dinner for my birthday where the topic of proposals and engagements got brought up, where I kind of hinted (well flat out said) that I was hoping to get engaged by the end of the year. We talked for a while about it where my boyfriend said that at this point in time, he doesn’t feel old enough to be a husband, that it feels far more adult to him than he wants to be. It made me feel worried that he might NEVER feel ready, or old enough.
I don’t really know why I want to get married so badly either, it isn’t going to change our lives drastically, I don’t want children until I’m a lot older anyway and I also get his point about feeling too young. The average age to get engaged in western countries is like 28/29 so maybe I am thinking about this all too early. On the other hand, I want to really start our lives together; have fun, go travelling around the world as husband and wife.
I don’t want to become one of those stories you hear where the woman waits years and years with a guy, they break up and then he goes on to marry his next gf within a few months.
What do you think, is it normal for a 27 year old guy to not feel ‘mature enough’ to get married?
TL;DR – I want to get engaged soon, but my boyfriend is in a different stage in his life where all he wants is to play video games, he doesn’t see himself as a husband yet and probably wont for a long time.
6 comments
The issue I would have is that he has no interest in becoming more mature. He likes to and wants to keep spending his free time playing video games and not having commitments. That can be fine if that is a life style you are okay with long term. But you shouldn’t expect this to change. It might. People do change. But at 27, he should be settling into whom he will be long-term, and this is not just who he is, but who he currently wants to be. It doesn’t sound like there is anything about changing his life style that offers him something he wants. So, talk to him about long term values, but it sounds like they do not mesh.
Move on.
He has told you honestly and now it’s your job to listen to what he has said and make the decision based on his decision.
Have you tried some therapy to find out *why* you want to get married so badly? It’s not going to be good for you. Maybe you want a *perfect* life. But no one has it.
Be glad that you know what his plans are. You can save many years of your life now
Many may disagree with me but I believe that if a marriage is to survive, 1 person isn’t on the fence. Both people are aligned. It’s been years you know? And you’re not aligned.
You should both want this *intensely* in order for the marriage to stand the test of time.
And I know people have stories of a hesitant partner coming around and things are swell now. And I want to believe they will remain so. In my experience (observations) it’s unlikely.
You also seem to have some soul searching to do yourself about what marriage means to you. Right now it seems more like a symbol of status; an assurance of adulthood, a checkbox to be marked, and some vision of being “more than” the couple you currently are, but without any understanding of why you want more or what that more is.
At 27 he should have a more clear timeline in mind. He’s 3 years from 30, he’s been with you for years, you live together. He needs to be able to provide a clear “I’d like x and y in place within x years”. That he doesn’t have that insight proactively, to me, suggests your fears are correct. This isn’t a goal for him.
So. Figure yourself out first. Why is marriage important to you? Answer that.
Then yeah I think it’s likely
You’ll need to move on
You should have an adult convo about this. Just lay it out: you have a certain timeline, what is his? When does he want to get engaged and married. Don’t forgo this discussion because the proposal should be a surprise. The timeline should not be a surprise. And if you can’t agree on one, or even worse if he doesn’t have one, then you have your answer.
I feel like I felt just that way when I was around your ages. And actually, now that I’m nearly twice your age, I *still* will happily play video games for hours. Just like how my dad used to happily spend hours fiddling around in his workshop, or grandma would spend an entire weekend tweaking her flower gardens: having a generally pointless hobby does not mean you’re not an adult — it just means you have this thing that you and I understand has no real value.
But that’s kind of besides the point. The point is, it’s time for the two of you to talk about what it means to feel mature enough to be moving towards marriage, if those things are things you *both* are wanting to move forward with. If being “mature enough” for him means not playing any video games, does he see that happening ever?
And for a little side note … do your best to avoid conflating what society believes is appropriate for you and your partner and your relationship with what you and your partner thinks is appropriate for your relationship. I acknowledge this isn’t easy — in the 3-5 years of being together, answering the “when are you getting married” question was harder than it is today in the 13-15 year range. Back then it was making excuses, now it’s “oh, that hasn’t been on our radar for years.” What matters for the two of you is whether or not your timelines and ideals are matching up.
Kids are the big kicker for couples at this stage. If you never want kids, then maybe just enjoying each other is enough. Generally women want to be “done” with kids at 35 for health/risk reasons. Obviously it’s perfectly possible after. So it makes sense to start a year earlier for each kid you want, plus whatever spacing you want. If you want to be married before that, add another year for your engagement/planning unless you elope or do something simple.
If he isn’t the one, add another few years for dating.
I.e. if multiple kids are in your timeline, you need to rethink the relationship. He’s happy the way things are. Both ways are valid, and it sucks, but if you want different things…