I am a late 40F, 2 teen kids in a relationship with a 50M, also 2 teen kids. It’s been almost about 2 months and he is wonderful, consistent, and seems to be keen to spend time with me and give this a go. He’s been divorced around 10 years and seems to have had a lot of relationships since then including a 4yr live in partner, 2.5 yrs, 9 month, 3 x 3 month. These are only the ones he’s mentioned in passing. He talks about his exes in a kind way and from what I can gather, he’s someone that will try to resolve issues rather than immediately break up with someone. The few reasons for breaking up that he’s mentioned seem reasonable. Also from what I can gather all of his partners have met his kids and he doesn’t seem to make a big deal out of introducing kids.
My relationship history is quite different in that I’ve had mostly relationships that last 3 months after which I take around 6 or so months to heal my broken heart. I don’t know why but I feel a bit uncomfortable with his history but can’t work out why. I love that he gives people a go, even when there are issues, but maybe his very active history makes me feel like I’m not that special. He has an abundance mindset in that he believes there are lots of attractive, smart and fun women out there. I do not believe he is so easily replaceable. I know that I’m speaking from a place of insecurity and anxiety. I do believe as does he, that I’m a great catch, but I feel like this man would be in another relationship within a few months if we broke up whereas I’d probably be in mourning for a year, that’s how special I think he is.
I’m not even sure what I’m asking except can anyone relate? Am I being silly? I feel like I have to also not place a lot of weight on introducing kids in the future since it doesn’t seem to signify anything serious to him. I haven’t known him long but I could see myself growing old with him. He is a wonderful mix of friend and lover 😍
18 comments
Perhaps your subconscious concern is that his shortest relationships = you average.
That means if you got “over the hump” to 4mo or even 13mo.s, the fact would still be there that he’s been with someone that long (or longer) and it’s still fallen apart.
A lot of people are like this guy, they go from one relationship to the next. I just figure they don’t like to be alone.
But one of those relationships was four years! So it’s not like he can’t attach.
I do think this is your anxiety but you also can’t control entirely if you do or don’t work out.
I think I understand your issue and I’d feel the same way. If a guy I’m dating continually is in different relationships, I’d be concerned he didn’t properly heal from them before jumping into the next or using the next woman to heal from the prior.
It also seems like you’re questioning whether the guy is emotionally invested in these relationships if he can so easily move on. I think all these thoughts are valid if he has only been single for short amounts between relationships. I think only you knowing him can determine if there is any actual truth to these thoughts.
I may be missing an important detail in here but it sounds like you’re interpretation of his history is scaring you off. I think the anxious part of me would be worried too based on the “abundance mindset” you mentioned; at the same time, if it’s a good thing I think you need to keep giving it a go and conquer your fears about it because maybe things will be different with you and it sounds like this is a special person to you. No reason to not see where it goes if you feel that way but you need to be mindful of when anxious you pops in and starts making you doubt things for no real reason. Clearly the history has given you reason for pause and if that becomes a pattern, it can/will affect the relationship in ways you may not intend for it to do. I also can’t tell you how to feel but I get concerned with the comments about mourning for a year. You may be thinking your way into a bad outcome that this does not need to end with by idealizing him but simultaneously expecting the worst.
I think this abundance mindset is just … a healthy mindset. Maybe I’m biased because it’s also my mindset (and I’m a woman). There are millions of people in your country that you can date. Since this man has a years long relationship behind him, he’s clearly also a stable and serious person with no attachment issues. I’d work on cultivating your own abundance mindset, tbh; not a dismissive one, but a positive, flourishing one
It’s a matter of personal opinion. There is no “right” answer.
People experience time differently, people get attached differently, people are impacted by relationships differently.
It seems like you’re questioning whether your relationship with him will have any significance or simply be another stamp on his dating passport.
At the end of the day no one knows if who they’re dating is going to be their “forever” person. You really just have to trust yourself and go with what feels right and reasonable for you. If you’ve got a nagging suspicion in your head and constant gutteral discomfort from his past, then that may be something worth exploring. Discomfort in a relationship deserves attention. You should genuinely see if this is just healthy skepticism, sabatoge, or a genuine deal breaker for you.
I don’t think you’ll have much if any peace in this dynamic until you can accurately assess what your discomfort means and whether or not it’s a glaring compatibility issue that you’re trying to ignore for the sake of having a relationship.
So, you say he makes efforts to work on any issues in the relationship and not just break things off…then you go on to say he has an abundance mindset. It sounds like you think cause he’s been in so many relationships, that he’ll see you as disposable and not get as upset about your break up compared to how upset you’d get over losing him?? I’ll be honest here. Taking 6 months to recover from a 3 month relationship isn’t the norm. Most people will take a month or two. So it seems you two differ on mourning time. Which, that’s fine. The issue is that you’re putting your processing of ended relationships on him and assuming cause he’s not like you, he doesn’t care about you. That’s not how things work. Again, you said he wants to work on things rather than just break up. So that’s a good! That means he sees the women he dates and something special and worth fighting for.
But wait, let’s really take a look at this relationship history. Single for ~10 years.
– 4 years. Takes a year before committing to someone else.
– 2.5 years. Takes 6 months. Now we’re at 8 years.
– 9 months. Takes 3 months off. We’re at 9 years.
– 3 x 3 months. Takes a month in between.
That totals 10 years.
To me, that sounds like a reasonable amount of time between relationships. He sounds rather normal to me. I think you need to recenter your focus on this man and you two. Stop worrying about his past so much. As long as things are awesome in the present, enjoy it and let things progress.
>but I feel like this man would be in another relationship within a few months if we broke up whereas I’d probably be in mourning for a year
This is how you create self-fulfilling prophecies. Stop. This doesn’t matter. He has you and wants you. Sabotaging this with baseless comparisons with future relationships that may never even happen is… I know we’re not supposed to say this, but… It’s crazy.
Focus on growing what you have, not competing and losing to his imaginary future girlfriend you made up in your head.
Depends also on how he interprets a relationship? If I haven’t met friends or family it’s not a relationship but was a person I was dating.
If so I have had several over a year. And if it’s early it’s easy for me to detach from the person and be sad about it not having worked out from a ‘being lonely’ perspective again.
Sometimes it just takes time to realise if someone is a fit for you. It’s healthier to nip in the butt early than commit years to something you don’t see happening.
I personally don’t share this information with my boyfriend actively – only the impactful dating experiences or relationships.
And yes as other pointed out some people don’t like being alone.
I wouldn’t put too much stock into it but if you’re worried you can ask why it didn’t end up working out.
I spoke of several of the impactful ones with my bf given he’s only had two aside from me.
Maybe a big difference is that I wouldn’t consider a past fling that lasted less than a year a true “relationship” or consider that person an “ex” if that makes sense. He may be the same.
This is something people worry? I don’t think I’ve ever asked when someone’s previous relationship ended. I’m also not mono, so I don’t really take breaks between relationships. I date actively only occasionally, though.
That seems like a pretty reasonable amount and variety of relationships for that period.
As for his abundance mindset…it sounds like it’s true for him.
Ummmmm… His relationship history are mostly long term. Yours on the other hand is 3 months each according to you with a 6 month healing process. That alone tells me that this man is serios while in a relationship and takes the time to work everything he can out. That is hard to find nowadays… We act like we have all the time in the world to find something perfect. But we don’t. Why do you feel uncomfortable with a man who’s dating history looks better than yours? He manages to last years vs 3 months. Wich means he either tries harder and last longer or he doesn’t give up. It may seem like he’s dated more people than you. But follow me. If he was in a relationship for 10 years with 1 person. That would mean in the same 10 years you dated 10. If I got the 10 year relationship info wrong, change it to any number you choose. I think i saw a 3 year in there. Either way you are the one with the high body count. I can tell by your post you did not do the math on your part. Now who should be worried about history? Exactly! Forget about the history part woman we are getting older not younger. If you want to be happy l, you should be glad to have a man with HISTORY in working things out. He’s not complaining about your very high history(body count). You lose this argument ma’am!! Try and be happy and create some good history starting right now!!!
Depends how you define a relationship within certain timeframes. For me personally 2-3 months is not really a relationship, especially if you have not made it exclusive/official. I usually see it more as 6-12 months as something more substantial. So I only discuss my long term relationships.
Okay so I’ll take a stab at what I think is going on. You feel like he will shack up with anyone and “anyone will do” for him. It’s like he’s not with you because you’re special, he’s with you because he needed to fill that hole in his life. You’re a replacement for the last girlfriend and if you guys break up you can be replaced with the next girlfriend. That’s what I think you might be thinking anyhow!
I do agree it seems like he might not really know what he wants or what he’s looking for in particular. It’s like he has very few items in his checklist so if he has a first date and she checks those off, he turns it into a relationship only to find out 3 months later that it doesn’t work. Not every first date needs to be a relationship! Sounds to me like he needs to evaluate WHY those relationships didn’t work to expand on his checklist and figure out who it is he’s really looking for and what he wants in a partner.
Have you tried talking to him about why his previous relationships failed? What are the deal breakers? I think if you can figure out why they weren’t compatible and you come to the conclusion that you and him are more compatible, then there’s no issue. Keep dating the guy.
3 “serious” relationships in 10 years isn’t a lot, and exclusively dating others for a time shows he’s more likely to be mature in a relationship.
> He talks about his exes in a kind way
I don’t understand why he talks about them at all.
I’m married and been with my husband 11 years now and I have no fucking clue how many exes, gf, or whatever he had.
And neither does he.
We don’t ask or talk about them, because these people are not important anymore in our lives. They might as well not exist.
So no I can’t relate.
Unpopular opinion but this would be a concern for me too. If he has that many relationships over 10 years it seems like he is not that picky. For me that deep connection where I want to enter into a relationship with someone is special and rare; it’s not something I have felt with a lot of people throughout my lifetime. I would be wondering if I am just going to be one more relationship in his dating history.