First time posting, sorry it may be a little long.
I am a F20 and my boyfriend is M20. We’ve known each other since we were kids in middle school and we were always close but I never wanted a relationship to ruin our friendship so I turned him down for a long time until last year when I decided I’d risk it.
Our relationship has been wonderful he’s always been very kind to me, brings me flowers randomly, I’ll buy him gifts out of the blue when I see something he needs or would like. We have been very open with communication and I thought we were open books with each other. He’s helped me learn more about adulthood and finances than my parents were able to and I have saved more money than ever before, because I used to have a bad spending habit that I almost have gotten over.
We’ve been living together for the last six months and I do 80% of the cleaning, we both work full time jobs but spend most of our free time together. We stopped having sex almost 4 months ago and he said it was just stress and so I didn’t pressure him into anything but the other night I found out why he actually doesn’t want to sleep with me.
Te day everything happened it was a weekend and we both had the day off he went to go hang out with a friend for a few hours and I went to my mom’s to pick her up and get some coffee and run to the store and then I dropped her off at home without going inside like I usually do because I wanted to get home and clean up.
After a while my boyfriend came home and we hung out for a while before going to my aunts to help my mom fix my cousins(F19)(P) car but she wasn’t able to so I asked P if she wanted to go out to eat with me and my boyfriend and she agreed. We got there and get the food and P brings up my ex(D) and said he was at my moms today because he had posted on social media that he was with my 2 dogs. I said I didn’t know he was there and I brought up that I had asked other family to not talk to him a long time ago but they told me to ‘shut up and leave things be’ so I did because I never saw him and I never cared to.
My boyfriend wouldn’t let me touch him and immediately went to the bathroom so I got the tab and some boxes, we brought P home and we went home.
He went to the spare room and wouldn’t talk to me, at first I thought he was upset because my family talked to D still but after a few hours he came into our room and asked me “So how long has it been going on?” And I asked him what he was talking about and he thinks I’ve been cheating on him. He screamed at me for the next hour and was upset I kept saying the same things over and over because I didn’t have anything else to say. I told him I’ve never cheated or wanted to chest on him, I haven’t seen my ex or talked to him and I definitely haven’t fucked him.
He said many hurtful things in the heat of the moment and I’ve tried to brush them off but I can’t. He believes I’ve been cheating on him since Febuary and that’s why he stopped having sex with me. I don’t know why he thinks this I am with him 90% of the time. He said I probably steal his money and give it to my ex, he said I have 6 boyfriends somewhere i have no idea where he got that number or if he was just trying to say im a slut, he said, I come from a family of losers who are never going to do anything with their lives, and all trust is completely gone even though I’ve never done anything to him to damage his trust in me before.
After hearing all the hurtful things he had to say I tried to go to bed but ended up staying awake all night feeling sick. He left the next morning for work and I stayed in bed until I had to work.
When I got home I showered and he went to pick up a friend and came back. I sat in our room most the day while drinking. He brought his friend home and came back and started arguing again saying I don’t even care about him, I haven’t talked to him all day, and randomly saying other things to hurt me, he said my mom’s never been a parent and that’s why she’s always had someone else raise me and I started crying telling him to stop but he wouldn’t so I just emotionally shut down and sat on my balcony. When I went back in he was upset because he thought I’d left. I went to bed and when I woke up he was gone again.
I really don’t know what to do.
I do love him, but even if we get past this I don’t know if I can forgive him for all the hurtful things he’s said. I really don’t know what to do.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
TLDR- my (F20) boyfriend(M20) thinks I’m cheating on him with my ex that I haven’t seen or talked to and all of our trust is gone but I haven’t done anything wrong so I don’t know how to fix this
32 comments
You can’t fix this… All you can say is that you aren’t cheating on him and if he doesn’t believe you, that’s on him. He clearly doesn’t care about what you have to say in the matter.
He just cares about what he thinks is happening.
Do not give in to that sort of emotional abuse. He’s emotionally not mature enough to be rational or have a mature conversation. Him blowing up at you and saying all these hurtful things isn’t ok, and it doesn’t have anything to do with why he’s initially mad. He has his own things to work out, but you don’t have to stay with him while he matures.
$100 says he cheated on you around 4 months ago and is projecting now.
Fuck all this noise. The relationship has run its course and it’s time to move on.
(Also, just to be a pedantic, paragraphs will make your posts easier to read for future stuff)
The reason we date people before we commit to them is to learn about who they are, to make sure you are aligned with them in all the ways that matter most to you.
What you have discovered about your boyfriend is that he puts very little value on your well being. He has no problem completely discarding you when faced with a difficult situation. He did not approach you with reason, he did not discuss his feelings in a productive way, he lashed out like a child, punished you by withholding intimacy, and chose to emotionally abuse you over and over again.
This behavior is not forgivable. Do no allow yourself to be disrespected in this way any longer. There are fundamental gaps in this little boy’s emotional maturity that are not your job to fill. Walk away from him and block him everywhere.
I can’t say for sure, but it really sounds like he cheated on your four months ago, felt bad and stopped having sex with you out of guilt. Now he’s trying to project onto you so he feels better about what he did, as if it was justified.
Again, I can’t say for sure, but that’s what it sounds like.
Wow this is an example of abuse. And it will escalate over time.
You can’t fix him. He’s seriously broken. Dump him now.
I read most of this thinking things would be ok, that it was probably just that he’s young and overthinking, that he just needs to grow and learn to trust you or it would lead to things ending, but as I read further all I can think is you need to get far away, the issues he has right now, whatever caused them, they aren’t going to get better with you around, I see some people saying he cheated and is projecting, and maybe, I think it doesn’t matter why this is eating at him, I think he’s unstable and doesn’t know how to handle his emotions and he’s going to hurt you quite a lot until he learns, if he ever learns, some people don’t, but if he does, you’ll be the person he destroys to learn it, I promise you that, my thoughts is he thinks you’re too good for him, he thinks he’s not worthy of you, maybe he thinks you like your ex more than him but even if not I’d say he thinks he can’t keep your love or attention because inside he feels like a nobody, not someone you would dare, so hes paranoid, watching for any sign to confirm his suspicion, and taking it to heart when he thinks he’s right even though he’s not, and hurting himself over it, and in turn hurting you over it, making him in fact not worthy, when instead of he could just pull his head out of his ass and appreciate what he has in front of him and learn to take yes for an answer things would work out much better for him, reguardless of if that’s truly it or not it’s clear he doesn’t trust what he has between you is going to last because he’s afraid of something
He is absolutely the one who cheated 4 months ago
Your family continues to keep contact with your ex even though the relationship is over? And they don’t see how this could cause problems in your current relationship?
I mean, on one hand your boyfriend needs to be a little more trusting as you haven’t done anything to merit suspicion. On the other hand, you need to make it clear to your ex that he cannot just drop by to visit your family. The relationship is over, you don’t want to see him anymore, and he is not welcome to make contact with you directly or indirectly.
Both of you have some work to do.
This is more abuse waiting to happen. I’d say you should leave him he obviously isn’t able to control his emotions and either way he said you were cheating with 0 evidence. If you stay it could eventually lead to more abuse please stay safe! The other comments seem to take the words right out of my mouth so this is where I’ll stop. So sorry that this has happened to you and I wish you the best <3 again please stay safe!!!
I get being annoyed an ex is still lurking anywhere near your current relationship but it sounds like you’re doing everything right. All I could offer, if you’re willing, would be to become completely transparent; give him your phone at any point and time, share location etc. BUT I warn against this! People love their habits and living with someone always checking up on you would be like living with a parole officer. If you haven’t done anything wrong and haven’t given him any other reason to distrust you then he’s out of line. His complaint is weak based on what you’ve posted. And without any other reason to suspect you I can’t see how he jumped straight to ‘cheating’.
You need to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you want. Then have a real conversation with him and be calm, kind, but direct and clear about what you want. Make sure to listen to his reasoning too but if it’s paranoid and/or controlling, it’s not justified. Good luck.
Girl. Leave. It’s only going to get worse
This is why you don’t move in after only 6 months. You’re doing most of the housework and he cheated on you 4 months ago.
Leave and learn from this
Yeah, I’d suggest you say something along the lines of “you’re sick of being verbally abused, and going to stay with a friend or family member while he decides if he can grow up or not.” I’d reiterate, “you haven’t cheated, never wanted to, etc, and if he can’t get over this, you will be moving on.”
Be bold, don’t ever take shit from a guy, but especially not this kind of childish horse shit. Girls sometimes pull diff crazy emotional abusive shit, but I think guys can be a lot meaner and more abusive over one issue in my experience. Regardless, nobody should deal with regular abuse of any kind!!
It’s one thing to freak out a little once in awhile because they feel insecure. It’s a whole other problem when it becomes abusive, and this is definitely abuse when for months you belittle and berrate your partner when nothing has even happened. You don’t even owe him anything, if it gets any worse or doesn’t improve, I would definitely get out of that toxic environment asap!!! My dad did shit like this since I was 4 yrs old, and it’s taken me years to get over constantly hearing negative things about myself. Don’t let someone beat you up, especially when it’s bs lol. Take care of yourself! 😊
save yourself and break up with him ASAP
Definitely leave him and go NC.
My 2c is people are able to act/be nice and sweet the beginning of the relationship, it’s honeymoon phase after all. As time goes on, their true self starts to show, their mask is slipping. If he does not communicate with you and refuse to listen to you, I doubt this relationship will get better or survive.
I say cut your losses now. He can’t even discuss with you why he’s feeling the way he’s feeling then it’s going to be rough from here. That’s something he’s gotta learn. Being mean to another being has consequences. No one should or has to put up with it.
Run away as fast as you can
something i learned really really recently is that if your s/o thinks that you’re cheating on them or being shady, even if you’re hanging out with friends, then that’s signs of bad anxiety and trust issues. reassuring someone can be deteriorating, especially when it happens often. now if he’s yelling at you or emotionally hurting you, it’s not healthy at all.
if you have no trust, there’s no relationship.
Regardless if he cheated or you cheated, there is no way you deserve to be treated like garbage. He did not need to say any of those low blows to you.
You need to set some strong boundaries. Like “I’ve already addressed this with you and didn’t cheat on you. You either need to TRUST me or break up. We can’t have a relationship without trust. I’ve given you more than enough time to work through this. Yes it’s scary trusting because you could end up being blindsided and I’m scared too, but the alternative is not having this wonderful relationship at all”
I think the issue is the evidence – both you and your ex where in the same house at the same time but you said you didn’t meet with him.
He loves you to death and I don’t think he would cheat. You probably know him a lot better than us.
He’s 20 – you’re 20. I remember being 20 and so naive, and if I was cheated on at that age I would be so crushed.
He’s made up his mind because of the circumstantial evidence.
If you want him back you must rebuild his trust again from a negative emotional bank account that you share. Whether you cheated or not it’s not important right now.
Show it with your actions. Spend time with him. Do nice things for him. Tell him how much he means to you. Think about what it would take for you to trust him again if the roles were reversed. That might mean having an open phone policy for both of you for a little while.
You’re his childhood crush. How important do you think you are to him. I would guess you’re more important than anything else in this world for him.
Be patient and make small daily deposits with acts of kindness and love so you two can be happy forever.
I highly recommend you watch Dr. Gottman’s TED talk on relationships on youtube, so that both of you can become relationship Masters.
I think you should leave. He has been punishing you for months for something you did not do. This is the beginning of controlling behavior where you are constantly jumping to prove yourself to him. I have seen this in relationships before where one person is totally into the other, but at the same time can’t fully trust because they carry all the self-doubt of the earlier rejection. Like with you turning him down for dating until a year ago. Now he is making a lot of tests for you to pass in order for him to get over what happened before. I can’t think of a single instance where this has worked out long term. Break up now and save yourself a lot of grief.
Also, no sex for 4 months, and he accuses you of cheating on him — are you sure he is not cheating on *you*?
He isn’t worth another minute of your time. He basically destroyed your relationship after sitting on his unfounded paranoid suspicions for months.
Maybe he cheated. Maybe he’s a terrible boyfriend. He is definitely an awful human being. Try not to be sad when you leave him. He’s not worth it.
I agree with the people. This man is either mentally unwell or he cheated on you. Either way, leave and tell him to get help
Is there anyway mods can force people to make paragraphs every five sentences?
I mean I get he got insecure about your ex still going to your mother’s house, and that you were there too, eventhough you didn’t came in. But the huge tantrum and the violent outburst sounds more like projection on his part. Maybe it’s time to check his phone because he’s probably the one cheating.
Are you sure you haven’t given him other reasons to doubt you?
If you truly haven’t done anything with the ex, and you’ve been completely honest with your bf, then all there is left to do is restate that and demand that he either get over it, or agree to both move on. I don’t want to presume ulterior motives but often when partners make a mountain over a mole hill, it’s them actually doing shady shit and using the blame game to excuse their behavior. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case for your bf, but would just recommend you look out for red flags. At the end of the day, you deserve respect. I recall a story where a girl cheated b/c she saw a picture of her bf on Facebook dancing with another girl at a military function for a family member. What were the chances this military member was a girl and the bfs cousin who he was dancing with? As rare a circumstance as that, it still does not excuse the gfs behavior. Same for your bf. Give him an ultimatum to get over it, or move on. You deserve respect and to be trusted by your word.
wow. im so sorry but thats disgusting the ways hes treating you. he’s hiding something or projecting something onto you and is being extremely destructive with his behaviour.
OP:
1. What’s up with your family letting your ex come and visit your dogs? Are they deliberate shit stirrers, even though you come over to give your mom a ride to your cousins?
2. What up with your cousin bringing up this topic about the ex in front of your boyfriend? Especially after you brought your mom over there to try to fix her car? That’s how she repays you? By bringing up inflammatory topics in front of your bf?
3. It’s clear that this was the first your bf heard about this because he got pissed and said, “How long has this been going on?”
4. A 20-year-old guy stopping having sex with his gf prior to that, and not knowing about this ex’s visit until now looks highly suspicious. I think there could be the truth that others suggested that he has been cheating (getting sex somewhere else), and this dumb thing with the dog is just a pretext to shift the guilt/blame on to you.
5. The screaming, the accusations of money theft, and the 6 boyfriends, though, sound almost like a psychotic break. There is now way you should continue in a relationship with this guy. I hope you have someone you can stay with so that you can move out for your personal safety.
Well did you cheat? You can tell us? Your ex hanging with your family and you NEVER see him???