My bf and I have been together for 5+ years and talking about marriage & buying a house. I found out he was searching my friend up and chalked it up to curiosity. A month ago I found him searching a coworker of his. They are both beautiful girls who I look nothing like.
When confronted he said he was just curious if they were on SM (even though he doesn’t use it.) When I pushed on it, he said they were just eye-candy and found it similar to porn. He asked if I also did the same thing with other attractive men.
Whenever I think about it I feel ugly and heartbroken. How do I move on from this and trust him again?
15 comments
What kind searching is he doing on his deep dives?
Tell him it’s not similar to porn because you know these people. If he wants porn… then why not watch porn? It porn is no longer cutting it and he now needs the thrill of someone you have a connection to, then that’s a real problem.
SM ? Oh…. I am stupid, social media.
You can let him know it bothers you, and that you dont feel attractive when he does those things.
But at the same time we are visual creatures (both men and women) so our eyes are not stupid about what we like / find attractive.
Him seeing your co-workers and friends is odd….. 😅 lets just take the easy path there!
Has his actions towards you changed at all ?
Does he still do / say / express that he finds you attractive ?
A visual / porn fantasy is not the same as a long-term commitment, you can of course draw a line and ask him to stop that kind of behaviour.
But it might come down to ultimatums.
Him looking at other people does not diminish your value, that is a feeling and insecurity you have to work on yourself.
He can do nothing about that part, the checking out your friends SM is kinda… strange to say the least.
it sounds like a self-esteem and insecurity issue on your end
do you follow any attractive people on social media? do you look at people on the street that you find attractive?
there is nothing wrong with being attracted to other people. you do not lose your ability to find people attractive when you are in a relationship
seeking out your friends is definitely in bad taste, and he could have handled the situation much better.
i don’t really see how he could have broken your trust, as he technically did not cheat
maybe you are feeling unfulfilled in other areas of the relationship, and there is just a manifestation of that. perhaps if you felt that he found you unbelievably attractive, and you were unwavering in this belief, you would not have this reaction when you found out he sought your friends on social media.
You don’t. You know these people. He knows his co-worker. Leave him. This is not equivalent to porn. The chances he’ll meet a porn star are slim to none.
He adding to his spank bank. I would be concerned also that he lied to you that he just wanted to see if they were on SM and then finally told you the truth. When you take photos of people you know and use it as porn it is a problem. He is looking for something, OP. Ask to see his phone and or computer.
This is very disrespectful to your relationship OP and I am very sorry. It is hard to trust him as he sees these people daily and you are now comparing yourself to them.
Op, please don’t listen to “YoU aRe iNSeCurE” and “iT iS jUSt a FaNtASy” comments. You have a very reasonable boundary, for your bf not to lust over people he knows.
Yes, it is different then porn, that is just disrespectful and creepy, and he himself knows it, because you had to “push him” to confess. Those are people that ARE IN HIS REACH, he lets you know, that this particular person turns me on more then any porn, I choose them over porn (and might potentially choose them over you/ find them more attractive then you). And that is just ew, how disrespectful.
I am sure, that he is only saying he would be ok with you jerking off to men you know, just to let his actions slide, might also be true, that he would be unbothered, but I doubt it.
Regardless, you are uncomfortable with that, so you have a riggt to draw that boundary. Please, stand your ground
Stay strong
Even if he has a valid logical point, which I’m not sure of, you are entitled to your emotions. I know for fact my wife would be deeply hurt if I fantasized about her friends, as I would be if she fantasized about mine.
There’s just something personal about doing that to your SO’s friends and family. It’s fine to be attracted to someone, that’s natural, but to then seek them out… I’m with you. It’s painful.
I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt. It’s normal to look at people we find attractive or interesting. It doesn’t seem he messaged them, was screenshooting their pics or anything creepy.
Have you ever looked up a model? Someone you’d just met? A celebrity? I think you’re taking this too seriously. Give yourself a hug and work on being more secure. ❤️
This is silly. I do deep dives on people all the time out of curiosity, doom scrolling, or just appreciation of a good looking person. I’m straight and look at pretty girls’ sm all the time because they are pretty. You can’t be monitoring his search history like that and press for answers to questions that shouldn’t exist in the first place. Loosen the grip a little OP. This is pretty normal behavior
Yep, that’s not good.
R/loveafterporn
This is fucking beyond creepy. And a huge red flag.
Why on earth would you ever put up with this? He’s one message away from temptation and you’re allowing yourself to teeter on that cliff of heartbreak. Break up with this fucking loser and find someone who looks on YOUR SM and sees the universe
Those ppl arent voluntarily in porn. Hes icky.
Why do u want to move on?