Husband (M39) rarely says “I love you” to me (F34) even over 10 years into our marriage

15 comments

1. Some guys just don’t communicate these things well. Try being direct and telling him you need to hear him say the words regularly. It won’t happen overnight, but if you are persistent, direct and he really loves you he will start saying it more.

2. His actions will speak louder than those words

3. I agree with him on the love languages thing, but it is concerning that you say you do not see how else he shows his love. Have you told him that? If he doesn’t like to use words to express his emotions, his feelings for you should be obvious by his actions. But if you say you do not see those actions, you should tell him and let him know that you are not feeling good about it. If he is a sincere, good partner, he will want you to feel good and secure and will need to address this. If he only dismisses you, then I would be very wary about the future of the relationship.

4. My husband and I don’t say it to each other very often. It’s been months, probably. We do show each other every day, by the things we do for each other. I know he loves me through his actions. We’ve been together for 28 years.

   If this is something you need to hear more often, sit him down and talk to him about it. You’re not wrong for needing what you need.

5. Actions speak louder than words. If he loves you he will make you feel loved.

   I can attest to it being a bit difficult saying “I love you” as a man. I mean, I mean it when I say it, but it’s just… I don’t know… it feels weird saying it when I show it every day. I don’t doubt that there are plenty of men for which this is even harder due to upbringing or otherwise.

6. >I also don’t see how else he shows his love.

   Words are just words, so this is more important. Although it is odd that “I love you” is such a struggle for him.

   Lots of people put all their eggs in the “love languages” bucket. It’s not entirely pseudo-science… but there’s some bollocks there too. So might not be best to weigh in on that fully.

   So outside of the three words “I love you” what is making you not feel valued? What behaviours are or are not being done that make you feel this way.

   Think on the specifics, any particular patterns etc… that brought you to this point outside of 3 words and love languages. eg: If your love language is A and he’s doing lots of D, that’d still be him expressing love… just not the one you value so much… yet if he was doing that, you’d be able to acknowledge it.

7. This is such a women-thing to ask. Why would it even matter if he shows it through his actions? Also, by constantly bringing it up, you’re only causing him to either say it even less often or you force it out in a way that’s not genuine. I don’t think that’s what you want.

8. I am not one to say I love you. To me it is just empty words. My actions are what indicates where you sit on my love meter. My husband says it daily. We have reached a happy medium in my my ability to say it and his ability to see it.

9. 15 years abd maybe once a week, his love language is different to mine so I know he lives me by other things. Find his love language and see what he does around that, my husband’s is big gestures and generosity so I tell him I love him every day and he buys things & makes gestures, as soon as I learnt his language it all made sense

10. How hard is it to really say I love you to your wife especially if she voices that it’s important to her? Very strange behavior.

11. It’s been 10 years. Surely you know he’s not going to change by now, right?

    He says he shows it in other ways. Focus on his actions and see how he’s showing you. Does he often hold you? Does he buy you gifts and take you out on dates? Does he cook you meals, or take up your share of the chores?

    Find his love language through observation. You shouldn’t need an online quiz to tell you what you should have picked up from being together a decade.

12. If he show you everyday by actions that he love you then it doesn’t matter actually it make the words more precious when he will say it! So enjoy the moment when he will give you those 3 words and stop looking at problems who don’t exists!

13. I’ll be honest. You have told your husband multiple times that this is something that makes you feel loved and instead of acknowledging your need, his response was to call you insecure. If you don’t have sex with him for months and he complains, is that insecurity? He’ll never consider that insecurity. But your needs are a sign of insecurity for him. We all feel loved in different ways and he doesn’t have to say the words every day but if he can’t tell his own wife that he loves her in months, he’s pretty callous and inconsiderate. You can continue to feel bad about his lack of verbal affection or you can tell him that if he cannot fulfill a basic need of yours that takes less than 5 seconds, you won’t be fulfilling his likewise and if he complains when he feels unloved then he can take care of his own insecurity. Sorry to say but you have enabled his behaviour. If you had put your foot down earlier, he would have had more reason to make an effort.

14. Not sure why people are ignoring that you’ve already brought this up with your husband. I think it’s time for a very frank chat though. “I’ve told you repeatedly that it’s important to me that you say ‘I love you’. I’m questioning the health of our relationship because you won’t listen to my feelings on this. Is there a reason you won’t make this change?”

    Do you feel loved by him, OP? Is he truly supportive and affectionate in other ways? Or is this just one aspect of a larger problem?

15. “Maybe I am being insecure, but I just need to hear the words sometimes.”

    It’s not like you are asking him to cut off a limb or something. Seems like such a small thing to do that will bring you some happiness.