I (20) F , have been feeling overwhelmed recently,because I feel I have zero social skills, I don’t how to say no to something, I don’t know how to ask for something, like literally i see people around me asking for favours like it’s nothing, and i cannot, i cannot talk to my uni professors, i avoid conversations at all costs. I believe it might be due to my childhood, i was sent to hostel when i was 12yo and maybe it’s a defence mechanism that my mind has created, because as a child being sent to hostel i had so much in my mind to talk to someone (especially parents)but i wanted to be strong so i never did, i used to write diary, and 3-4 years later was diagnosed with depression. As a kid i was so ashamed to ask my parents about anything, even a simple candy as too what they might think about me, am i being too picky. Other than that, i was a meritorious student and participated in all activities. But after being diagnosed with depression, i changed drastically. I left my hostel after completing my 10th grade, and started studying in another city(still living alone in flat). Those two years, i was doing whatever i wanted,(made a bf also) because i thought that’s how i would heal my depression. Maybe I was delusional. Now i am currently pursuing my degree, and still feel like I can’t talk to anyone, and at this age everything is getting complicated and difficult to deal with(i know that’s how life is) but sometimes i feel like ohh it would be so great if i could talk to someone and ask for advice about how to casually deal with life?? I can’t talk to my parents about this because they have my image in their mind that I am really strong, can’t talk to any of my friends because i feel they are kinda judgemental or maybe it’s just my lack of social skills that I can’t open up to anyone. Bf occasionally listens to me but i feel like he is too insensitive and chill about this whole life topic and yeah can’t confess my emotions there too openly(otherwise our relationship is really going great), and sometimes maybe due to my lack of these skills, I can’t just open up about what’s really haunting me, for once i want to talk honestly to someone without any filter, without me thinking what if they think I am not strong. Currently I am struggling in my health and education, and have lost my patience level maybw due to that and thwre has been a feeling of vengeance in me that i dont like at all, like if i do something for someone and they don’t reflect it back, I start hating them away and pushing them away( mostly with my bf), I just want this feeling to go away. I have now become less kind, less empathetic and less sensitive to others emotions, that was never me, i used to always listen to other’s problems with my heart, now i feel like i am just always pretending.
I know none of it makes sense, but guys tell me what should i do?
3 comments
oof, i could‘ve written that. would it be possible for you to go to therapy?
especially the second last sentence is what i realised about myself too. you don‘t sound happy and like you want to participate in life again. i don‘t really have advice because i‘m in and out of this state too at the moment but i hope there will be days where everything feels a little lighter and you don‘t have to pretend so much.
This sounds like therapy would be immensely helpful to you. This is not antisocial, this is deep learned fear and you can unlearn it, but you will need some help with that and it is okay to look for help. You are absolutely allowed to bother someone professional with that, it is their job.
In the mean time, you can try starting with this book to find a little bit of inner strength, so that you feel able to ask for help.
Healing Your Aloneness: Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child, by Erika Chopich and Margaret Paul
I wish you all the best! Good luck!
Hey there. I struggle a bit about the same thing too. I will share what helped me to deal with this, and I hope that it helps you too.
If you want to talk to people but you freeze or get anxious, you might have social anxiety. As you mentioned, it can be rooted in a childhood trauma as the one that you described. But honestly, many people suffer about this same issue and they might not have a childhood trauma either. You have to understand that this is normal, and that it can be fixed. You definitely should seek therapy if you consider you need to work on these traumas. My personal advise (again) is that the past cannot hurt you anymore, what matters is the present and that you have to let it go.
Now, there is a lot of advice regarding how to deal with social anxiety too. What helped me, personally was:
– stop caring about what other people think, do, or say. People react differently to different situations and messages. You cannot know if they’ll like what you say or you, or what reaction they’ll have at all. You cannot even know what they’re thinking internally.
– it’s not about the message, but how you say the message. Your tone, your body language, your voice, these are more important than the content of your message. You can say a really stupid thing and people will not care, but they will notice if you’re nervous or if you come off as rude.
– be kind to yourself. You are valuable, you’re as anyone else. Value people like you who also struggle to establish conversations
– different people, different personalities. Let’s be real, you cannot connect and befriend everyone. You will make jokes that some people find hilarious and other people find silly or even unfunny. Get close to the people who makes your personality shine and don’t even bother with people who don’t appreciate your spirit. Or if you do bother, don’t overthink