We’re together but not at the same time (T.W ED AND SH)

sorry this is kinda scrambled, i’m new to this and trying to write this before anyone comes home but i need an outsiders point of view

Back story: my best friend/partner (21m) we’ll call him john and i (22f) have liked each other for the last two years, we have both seen other people in that time due to our fights and just needing space but always manage to come back to each other.

With all of our fights and how john was with me i thought he stopped liking me in August 2021, fast forward a year, i started dating another guy (dave) and dave and i had been together 10 months as of August 2022. On john’s birthday he was really drunk and told me he still loved me even though dave is his best friend (didn’t mean to go between the two but i’ve always loved john and dave is an amazing guy but it’s always been john for me).After John’s birthday and john had been trying to convince me to go away to his families (just as friends) with him and i kept saying no as i was still with dave but the wednesday came and i just kept have bad mental breakdowns (i have depression, anxiety and anorexia). John ended up convincing me to go away and even though dave wasn’t too happy about it he thought me going out to the country side would calm me down and he couldn’t come due to having work.

i know here i’m the asshole, when me and john got to his families house everything just happened and we ended up sleeping together. As soon as i got home i ended up breaking up with dave. From August 2022 i have been faithful to john.

In october 2022 we went back to his families house and while we were there we were drinking and smoking and whatever else young people do at a get together, but a chick who’s had sex with his brother and father was there and he was talking to her in private and then he was choking her and pulling her hair (in the sexual way) in front of me and that sent me spiralling that night. His siblings and father and everyone was there so i just left it. i ended up getting told to sleep in the bed with him as he was meant to share with one of his siblings. a few weeks later when i’ve already been breaking down because he was cold shouldering me i come to find out that he texted our now ex mate that i was ‘too clingy’ even though i hardly know/am comfortable with everyone up there and that i kicked his sibling out of the room that night even though they told me i could sleep in there. Me and him worked that out and we started talking again.

the end of november/beginning of december 2022 we went from cuddling together in bed to him starting to give me the cold shoulder again. we ended up having to travel back up north and he was on his phone in the front while i was in the back of the car and he was sending another girl “x’s” at the end of every message. her and our ex mate were told not to come up from his mum because everything that was going on but they disrespected her and came anyways. he left his pops house with the shits and left me there so i went out with a couple of my mates i was comfortable around at the time and when he got back and asked his mum where i was and she told him he got angry again and said that i wouldn’t keep my legs shut even though he went and slept in the same bed as another chick. me and him fought for about 2 weeks and when we started talking again he did admit to me that he had kissed and hugged the other girl but no further that that.

on christmas day i moved into his and everything was perfect (except him changing how he was with me in front of different people which i called him out on and he changed). and everything had been going perfect up until the beginning of april 2023 which is when he started to change again.

everytime he was on snapchat he would move to a position where i couldn’t see his phone or if he was on it and i command near him he would quickly swipe off of it and 99% of the people he talks to are females. i have brought it up with him multiple times as it has caused me to start overthinking really badly which spiked all of my mental health disorders. i have completely broken down in front of him multiple times and also gotten angry at him over the same thing and when i break down he just cuddles me until i calm down, doesn’t say anything until i’ve calmed down and it’s usually only trying to get me to cheer up he never says anything to reassure me and it is still happening.

My last time snapping at him was yesterday as i have been living with him since. christmas and it’s now 5 months later and he hasn’t asked me out so we aren’t technically together but we do everything that couples do and his mum said something about me doing something and called me his misso which he replied ‘she isn’t my misso’ and about half an hour later he came in and tried to cuddle up to me and i told him to get off and he kept pushing me to tell him what was wrong and he ended up getting the shits and telling me to fuck off and not come back so i started to pack my shit which set me off and i ended up breaking down and started to pack me shit. when he came in and asked what i was doing i told him ‘you told me to fuck off and not come back so i’m packing my shit’ which he ended up coming up behind me and hugging me until i calmed down and we just kept laying on the bed cuddling.

but each time i go off i feel like it’s my fault as it’s my overthinking that is cause of my doubts that we keep fighting and everything else and i just don’t know what to do so am i the asshole and is it my fault?

TL/DR: me and my partner have been fighting a lot and i don’t know what to do anymore