My (33F) and my partner (37M) and I have been together for almost 11 years- we have been engaged 5- we always planned for wedding but now he refuses to even discuss it. We had two kids and are almost done building a house and I really try to prioritize him and our relationship while balancing work and kids and school – but he never even mentions our relationship or if I bring up wedding plans (even eloping just the two of us!) he walks away and shouts not now. Everyone – both his side and my side and friends keep asking when we will finally give them a “big day out” but I have no answer- and I’m so embarrassed and hurt that he won’t even discuss it. I’ve gone as far as to look up to see if he’s somehow married before we met- I’m starting to feel crazy and uncomfortable. I just suggested we add on an hour for photos while on an already planned family trip to celebrate (just us and kids) being together 10 years and he just told me to “f\*\*\*off” and slammed a door shut.
I think it’s important to celebrate some part of our relationship- as I’m proud of getting through so much but he just shuts down every discussion and it’s spilling into all aspects of our daily lives. I’m angry about it. I’m angry at him. And mostly I just feel stupid.
Not sure if I am missing a piece of the puzzle here- we love each other ( I think) but this feels so disrespectful. I’m in the seriously reconsidering what I have with him- I can excuse the small moments he doesn’t try to be romantic because we are busy and tired, but this is different. This is important to me and to us. Something feels very off. I am not sure if there is a middle ground as I had assumed that a elopement was that middle ground. Any suggestions to celebrate a 10 years/relationship that is not a wedding? Any insight into what he could ultimately be hiding based on your experiences that I am missing here?
4 comments
Unfortunately nobody can tell you the reason except him. I think you have to put your foot down and demand a discussion – besides, I feel like you’re overlooking what bad behaviour it is to shout at you to fuck off. I wouldn’t tolerate that from my partner.
Him telling you to do so and then slams the door; is a huge red flag. Talk to him about it but if it were me I would actually ‘fuck off’
Is there something scaring him about marriage? How do you deal with finance? Could it be he’s afraid to lose something if you divorce?
Does he speak to you this way often? It’s very disrespectful and it’s showing not too much love. Since when has he started to say those kind of things to you? How about his attitude? Is he someone who shows you his love or is he grumpy and seems unhappy?
He really doesn’t want to get married. Don’t talk about planning a wedding but instead how does he really feel about your relationship.
What you’re feeling is 100% valid. It’s not that you’ve never discussed it or talked about it, so his dismissal of the conversation is not neutral it’s negative. What I mean is that it does say something negative about how he views your relationship right now and you have a right to know