I’ve been going to therapy for a few months, and one of the things pointed out is that I’m a people pleaser and co-dependent in relationships. I tend to put everyone else first, to my own detriment.
While at first I thought this applied mostly to my last romantic relationship, I’ve realised I do the same at work and even with long-term friends.
Most recently, I realised that when I ask friends what their plans for the weekend are, they just state them without asking what I’m doing.
My last ex spoke about himself all the time and expected me to neatly fit into his schedule.
In general, even strangers treat me like a therapist and just offload all their worries on me. On one hand, it’s ok that people perceive me as a nice person. On the other, I’d prefer to have relationships that are more mutual effort.
Has anyone changed this pattern?
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I feel like people pleasing is anxiety based and has a person fixated on things that can go wrong.
To a lot of people it feels like you’re trying too hard to gain approval or for people to like you; comes off as disingenuous to some. To others you’re a punching bag or a doormat. To others your a shoulder to lean on and a listener to talk to. Its because you give off that impression to them. A lot of these things definitely happen subconsciously between people as well as consciously if someone is analyzing you.
The opposite of people pleasing is probably someone who is more self focused and doesn’t put others needs before theirs at all. Might look like someone who says no to people a lot or someone who doesn’t let their boundaries get crossed with zero repercussions or punishment.
Find a balance. People pleasing brings out some beautiful qualities in people don’t just turn into the opposite.
There’s a lot of factors that go into being perceived as people pleasing. Maybe some areas you could start off at is maybe less self-sacrificial tendencies?
If you told your boss you need off some day for something very important and they call you that day to come in, say no. Don’t sacrifice whatever that very important thing was even if it was just a day for your relaxation and mental health.
If you notice someone keeps asking you to do something, but they do nothing for you or you find yourself saying yes way too often, say no.
Don’t say sorry too much. Find other words to use that doesn’t sound like you’re saying “yes master” to your slave owner. Think of “Thank you guys for waiting” instead of “I’m so sorry I’m late guys!”
Fake laughing is a pretty funny give away. It’s funny to me when I catch people fake laughing. Don’t have to always follow the crowd.
If you set a boundary, stick to it. This includes a peer pressure and/or coercion or people trying to guilt trip you. Don’t fall for it and stick to your boundaries. Don’t fold on yourself.
That’s all about I could think of for how you could at least start to go about changing this pattern.
In the simplest form, I guess you can sum it all down to:
Have a backbone.