A mutual friend set us up and he is incredibly nice. At the end of our second date he flat out said “yeah I think you’re too smart for me.” In the moment I was completely shocked, like what do you even say to that? Should I be offended? Take it as a compliment?

42 comments

  2. Hard to know without witnessing the expression but I would say I’m leaning toward it being a compliment. Also, intelligence can be intimidating. He could have just been giving you a nod to that and thinking it might help him cope.

  3. hey, if you’re out of his league you’re out of his league.

    at least he could think critically enough to calculate your requirements and his relationship tools and know that he couldn’t meet them.

    at least he didn’t waste your damn time.

  4. Depends on the context. He may be saying “wow you are out of my league, do I really deserve you?” or he may be saying “meh, too much for my taste, not really what I want”.

    I have learned to always ask people “what do you mean by that” every time they say something confusing, it has saved me from many anxiety moments 🤣🤣

  5. Depends on context. What were you two discussing that brought that up? It doesnt come out of nowhere.

  6. I’m not sure you should take it as offensive or as a compliment. He’s either got low self esteem, he recognizes a difference in intelligence that he thinks would lead to problems down the line, or he’s just not looking for a woman who is smart.

    Best to move on and find someone who simply appreciates your smarts.

  7. I think a compliment and a small diss on himself maybe? Guys nowadays have a shit ton of confidence issues. Personally, I think intelligence is such a turn on though. Such an underrated quality!

  8. You’re supposed to joke back… Anyway, the moment has passed, let it go. Why ruminate? You’re obviously an overthinker. Anyway, is there a third date? If so, good. If not, also good.

  9. The way I see it, it could go one of two ways;
    1) it’s a very weird way to compliment you if it was meant that way. You can/should definitely ask what he meant if you guys are still talking or planning to go out again.

    2) run. In my experience, anytime a guy says something that can be construed as “you’re too good for me”, it usually ends with some form of sabotaging the relationship. Cheating/ghosting/causing fights, etc.

    Either way I would approach the situation with caution, but definitely just be up front and maybe say “what you said the other night kind of confused me and I wasn’t sure what you meant by it.” Or something along those lines. Or even say that you took it as a compliment but now you’re overthinking. Everyone can relate to that, I overthink all the time 🤣

  10. Once I told guys about my education some of them would stop talking to me because “I was too smart for them” apparently “being too smart” can be a red flag for some guys lol.

    It does happen but I wouldn’t take it personally.

  11. I’ve rejected women more than once because I thought they were too good for me. I don’t know what she’s thinking but I sure don’t see myself as someone that a woman like this would be proud to present to her friends and family as he boyfriend. So I’ll just see myself out now and not waste our time.

  12. I think in general coding girls are scary for boys. He knows you earn a lot and you must be smart to get to the job. So I’d just move on (thanks for not wasting your time)

  13. i would take it as a blessing and move on. Be thankful he isn’t wasting your time and don’t give it a second thought. You do you. Don’t let anyone make you second guess who or what you are. Get clear on what you want because chances are you really don’t want that guy anyway.

  14. Some people use it as an excuse so they don’t have to tell you that they don’t think you are very attractive. 🤷🏻‍♂️

  16. I once got broken up with after an almost 2 month relationship because I was “too sweet and just too good of a person….”

    Seriously?
    It hurt. I really cared about this guy.

    I wouldn’t take it personally. Like a previous poster mentioned, it may just be a difference in personalities or he recognizes something that may make him feel inferior in the future

  17. If you see him a third time you might explore that with him. Could be that you are. Having similar intelligence can be advantageous in a relationship. It might not manifest itself in similar interests, but might enhance compatibility.

  18. Highly intelligent women can be intimidating and potentially bruise a man’s delicate ego…I said similar to my ex when we first met. I was this rough guy with a chip on my shoulder, never even finished high school.and i have the math skills of a 9 uear old.she was a straight A student with a job in cyber security. She just smiled and pointed out a few of the qualities she saw in me. We lasted 8 years…meanwhile I started a successful business thanks to her encouragement and belief in me. The business is currently thriving. Sadly our relationship did not work out in the end..he just has low confidence. I know that isn’t an attractive trait but some men just need the belief of a good woman and we can accomplish incredible things.

  19. Believe him 🙂 men tell on themselves usually. If he claims that you are too smart for him but you fall for his antics anyway, he will blame everything on you in the end. He cheats on you? Well, you should’ve been smart enough to know he was going to do that. He’s not helping out around the house? Well, you should’ve been smart enough to know he wasn’t going to do that. Just my experience.

    Edited to add: he could also be looking for a woman who isn’t as intelligent because he wants to manipulate them. And if you are too smart for him, he would not be able to do that. This is an extremely large red flag.

  21. It reeeeeally depends on context. It could be a light gesture/ compliment acknowledging that he thinks you’re smarter than him.

    It could also be a nice way of saying that you’re annoyingly correcting or challenging everything he says. Like as if it were an intellectual debate that you’re trying to win, rather than a social conversation between 2 prospective love interests. That is SUPREMELY off-putting. “Banter” can be very good at spicing things up with tension, “debating” dries up the attraction juices quickly.

  23. I would take it as a Compliment.But I try not to assume things. I dated a girl she was so much smarter than me. I still wanted to be with her but it was obvious that she outsmarted me by a lot.

  24. I’ve actually experienced this myself with someone who was just “too smart”. I went out with a doctor who had a PHD and MD. He was so intelligent, it was crazy impressive. I’ve dated doctors before but this guy was on another level.

    He was so interested in having these thought provoking conversations about anything and everything, it was so hard to keep up. He had so much knowledge and he didn’t want to just share it, he wanted to debate and banter with it. It was kind of mentally exhausting for me.

    What I’m saying is, it just wasn’t a good match. Nothing to be too upset about. You should take it as a compliment if you really think about it- and go find someone just as smart who will be more on your level 🙂

  25. A guy has told me that but told a mutual friend that I’m too opinionated and talk too much about niche things other people wont understand. Wish he told me that directly instead of finding the true meaning through a friend. I think he was just trying to be nice

  26. I don’t think I’m stupid, but I’ve met girls who were cleaaaaaarly way ahead of me in the smartness department. However those discussions were probably the best I’ve had as we could talk about anything and didn’t have to do the usual stupid small talks.

    But yeah, intelligence can be intimidating. It was one of the reasons I didn’t pursue anything with them.

  27. My read? He wasn’t enjoying talking to you. People talk about “intellectual disconnect” and it looks like he was feeling that. He was being polite enough to not just say that he found you boring.

  29. I find myself thinking this when I talk with a girl who is well educated and has a lot of broad knowledge. It can be off putting but only because I want to be able to hold a conversation but don’t have any knowledge of what she’s talking about to really participate. I’ve tried trying to get more knowledge about random things but I just never remember it

  30. He expects you to eventually leave him for someone smarter. Smart women are more valuable on the market than stupid ones.

  31. Some men are just intimidated by things. Maybe he doesnt think a woman like you would appreciate a simple guy with a blue collar job that drives a pickup truck, would take you out on his boat fishing, or would enjoy ice cream at a road side stand.

  35. I’m impressed. At least he’s self aware. Many people don’t know they’re dumb

  36. People topically feel more comfortable with people around their own intelligence.

  37. Wow that’s a cop out, heck I met a girl took a walk in the park and went to Baskin Robbins one time and she ended up saying.”um, were like the same height. I don’t think this will work” Bout a month later she was our waitress at pizza hut she got a 5 spot on tip no hard feelings go get me a Togo cup please

  38. When you figure it out, let me know. I’ve learned that my answer to “what do you do” tends to change or end the conversation. The last guy responded, “Wow, you’re really smart.” Then he dropped off the conversation chat. I care that someone is a responsible human with good character. That’s mostly it.

  39. It’s not offensive, it’s honest. Say goodbye courteously and go on with your life, knowing that you’re smart.

  40. Last year, I dated a man for 3 months. One of the first things he said to me was, “I’m not smart.” I told him not to tell me that because I don’t do well with men that aren’t as smart as me.

    He treated me very well and was fun to do things with. He was a wonderful boyfriend.

    No matter all of those great things, I broke it off, as we were not intellectually compatible.

    He repeated things a lot. He quoted from movies a lot. He couldn’t talk about a lot of things. He mainly talked about gossipy things. He regurgitated things he had heard. He did have common sense, but nothing out of the ordinary.

    He just couldn’t understand why I would let him go, if he was so wonderful. I couldn’t tell him the truth. The truth being that I need to be with a man that can keep up to me intellectually. I can’t be happy with a man that I have to define lots of words or dumb down how I speak or refrain from what I like to talk about or share.

    I had high hopes when I met him, as we were compatible in many ways. I dated him longer than I originally was going to, because of two girlfriends saying, “Give him a chance. Intellect isn’t everything.”

    It’s not everything, but it soon became boring and irritating with him. I lost interest in listening to him talk. I didn’t respect his lackadaisical or cookie cutter opinions. I just couldn’t go on any longer.

    Next time, I’ll follow my gut, instead of ending up hurting a kind man.

  41. I would take it as a compliment. If he can’t keep up with you mentally you will wind up unhappy later on.
    I am constantly thinking and my mind is going a mile a minute and I find these men that im really into but they can’t or don’t want to have an intelligent conversation and I find myself bored and unhappy in a relationship because I’m not being mentally stimulated.

    He did you a favor

  42. I have had this happen to me. Being smart is a good thing. You are better off finding someone who loves you just the way you are.

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