I see this said a lot on Reddit and especially subs about loneliness and anxiety, which obviously isn’t representative of society at large and might, in fact, skew lonely people more often, but… I’m not sure if it’s even true? I’ve been trying to make friends using friendmaking subs and talking to people for a pretty long time, by which I mean years, and unfortunately nothing stuck. I also feel (and this is probably something I need to address and overcome) like a stab of envy whenever I’m chatting with a person and they mention that they went out with their friends last week, or talk about a friend who made them this, etc.
I’m someone who’s virtually never had friends, like my whole life. I’ve had some, but because it’s so rare that I ever get friends I end up ghosting every time I feel like my relationships aren’t working out or that I’m getting too close/too distant with someone. And this is just for online friendships, mind you. In terms of real life people I basically haven’t had a friend since high school lmao. It brings me a lot of really painful shame and become pretty much my identity now — I just think of myself as “the girl who’s never had friends and never will”. (my post history is literally just… crying about that.) It’s a problem that’s plagued me since I was a kid and I’ve never learned to overcome it. Every time I try I sink into even greater depths of depression and suicidal ideation, because I feel almost a sense of unreality when talking to anyone at all. I can’t connect with anyone. I’m like a whole different species.
I guess that kind of turned into a rant that didn’t really relate to my question. I think I get romanticized ideas of how relationships are supposed to form, like oh, two people are lonely or most people are lonely and wouldn’t mind talking with someone, so it should make me feel better and less self-conscious and I should be able to connect with others better… but it never really works out that way. Everyone else *has* friends or *had* friends and are just, for circumstances mostly outside their control, unable to be with them. What does someone who has had no friends at all do? No past thread I can try to find, no former knowledge of “oh I used to be popular and have lots of friends, what did I do back then?” to draw from. I just don’t know. I feel so lost.
9 comments
There is so much shame with it. It’s hard not to internalize the idea of being unworthy. It’s hard to be vulnerable and make overtures.
I don’t have any easy solutions, but just a person who knows the pain of feeing like I don’t fit in. I am 52 and I eventually found a small circle of friends, most are neurodivergent and damaged (like myself) who also struggled to connect.
The fact that they have felt to pain of rejection and ridicule makes them understand me and since we think the other is wonderful, it’s easier to see ourselves as worthy and wonderful.
Idk, maybe the people who are lonely just have a hard time to connect, and that’s why they are lonely, or they have weird hobbies and interest that not many people have.
Whenever you’re chatting with a person and feel that stab of envy – remember that in the present, it’s also your opportunity to befriend this person! I honestly think that most people have friends, but it’s a good thing because if you befriend someone, they will probably introduce you to their friends, and you can all be friends!
If you’re a student, try to study with other students; if working, perhaps coworkers? See if you enjoy talking to them – try to focus more on whether you like them, instead of getting anxious about whether they like you. Then suggest an activity to do together – get dinner or drinks or ice cream, go explore a park or hike or city event… it’s just about having genuine fun and a good time together. Making memories is the foundation of any relationship.
I feel you when I read what you wrote.
I hope it’s ok to recommend a book that I find really helpful and have made me understand more about thoughts and what to make of them.
The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness
The nature of lonely vs social people is that you’ll *ALWAYS* see more social people than lonely people. It creates the illusion that you’re the only one.
Thought experiment: 99 people live alone in their apartment and never goes outside. One person, Social Georg, actually walks between apartments and talks to the people he passes by.
To 99 people, 100% of people they meet apparently go out and talk to everyone.
But that doesn’t mean 100% of the population does it, only that people who put themselves out there will be seen more often.
I do feel a lot of people are lonely within themselves. People can be out with “friends” but on their phones, or just bad mouthing other people they know. I’ve seen very few friendships in my life that I was envious of. I’ve been able to look at other friendships between people and realize why they like each other, and how it probably will implode at some point.
Most friendships are just people with similar interests and personalities who agree with each other, complain to each other, and go about doing this and that.
Focus on making yourself a happy person without anyone else. The irony about people is that I only like them when they don’t care about being liked. So first, make sure you are happy by yourself.
As far as the past, a lot of it is situational luck. Most people are forced into school at a young age and mix with each other. People who play sports together become friends easier than those who don’t. People who can relate to each other. People who share similar values, beliefs, personality traits, upbringing, culture, etc. People who work jobs together. Or volunteer together.
Get to know yourself, and then you can look for similar traits in other people. You need to know what you want in a friend. What type of person do you want to be around? Why do you want a friend in the first place? Don’t say because you are lonely because that puts pressure on another person to make you happy. Be happy by yourself first.
Read one of Dale Carnegie’s books. Watch TV when people interview other people. Watch late night TV hosts. Observe the interactions. Sense if the people in the interaction are enjoying each other or not.
I think the ability to communicate with any type of person is the highest skill. Observe Observe Observe
To answer your question more directly: no, most people have friends and are definetly not alone. But they could feel isolated within a group. I think it’s more likely people have other people to go out with to fun events and feel like they cannot really connect with one another. I don’t think that’s loneliness at all, but those people describe it as such and I have to respect their perspective (unwillingly). I think the idea of “everyone is lonely nowadays” comes from a few sentiments that merge: a) everything used to be better b) the youth is *insert worse/ more lazy / less moral / bla bla bla* c) the lonely people are vocal, especially online and demand representation.
Anyhow, to answer your rant more broadly: it sucks, yeah. I (22M) can relate to your feeling of not connecting with anyone. I used to beg people in high school to do fun things with me. It definitely leaves scars. I just want you to know you are a beautiful person. And you are stronger than you realize. A lot of people sometimes fall into a spiral after losing their friends, e.g. after college. You had this stable situation for a long period of time and you got through.
I can only have respect for that, as I became crazy from isolation in high school. I’m only sorry I couldn’t help you. But I guess this is a journey we all have to make ourselves.
There’s a few things that’s important when making friends. The first is how often are you exposed to people, if you’re mostly at home doing things on your own. You’re hindering yourself from opportunities. The second is your social skills, how do you interact with others, how do others respond to you and stuff, all that stuff that people often call game. The third is compatibility, do you and the other person share similar values, hobbies, ambitions, etc? Like for example, you know how their cliques and stuff, yeah thats just a bunch of people similar in some way forming a social group. My recommendations for you, is to figure out how you can optimize the variables I laid out to you to your advantage. And just a quick way for you to get started, what are your hobbies? once you find that one hobby that you really enjoy. Find other people who also like your hobby that is a way for you to find and connect with people. For example, I made a lot of my friends playing pickup basketball, just because how much I enjoyed playing basketball.
According to the US Surgeon General, we have a
> … public health crisis of loneliness, isolation, and lack of connection in our country
> Even before the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, approximately half of U.S. adults reported experiencing measurable levels of loneliness.
[New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States](https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/03/new-surgeon-general-advisory-raises-alarm-about-devastating-impact-epidemic-loneliness-isolation-united-states.html)