By broken me i mean mentally.
Hey guys im new here just thought I’d share my current situation with yous, basically I’ve been with my partner for around 3 years and things have not been great for me, I’ve been mentally abused by her this whole time and i never saw it.
Ive tried many times to break it off but she is very mentally unstable and says things like “ill kill myself and you” so i can never stick to it and end up going back on it, I don’t know what to do and the situation has escalated even further now and I’ve completely lost feelings for her.
I’d love some advice on this matter as I’m completely mentally broken and destroyed by this and has ruined my image of females, im sorry if this sounds unbelievable but I’m saying this with my heart that im lost and don’t know what to do, thank you for reading and any advice is welcome
Just looking for some advice on what to do?
25 comments
First, you need counseling ASAP. Second you need to get out of this relationship immediately. Her choices are hers not yours and you can’t let them control or blackmail you. You’re young with your whole life in front of you. Good luck
You leave her. This is the second post in an hour of someone who stays because of the threat of suicide. It’s emotional blackmail. It’s also an empty threat. Leave the relationship and find a therapist. It’s what we need after leaving abuse. I promise you there are a lot of good women out there. I think you know that. But. First you need to address this experience and work through it with a professional. You will remember who you are and find your self esteem again. It’s so worth it.
Run away from her, OP I dated a girl like this, she will ruin your fucking life. You are not responsible for her actions.
If you leave and she continues to threaten suicide, notify the police.
> “ill kill myself and you”
I guess as long as she does it in that order..
Seriously tho, saying this is abusive.
You break up immediately. If she threatens suicide, call 911, in front of her, and advise them you are breaking up with your girlfriend and she is threatening suicide. She is emotionally manipulating you. If she is seriously in need of intervention, the authorities are well versed in how to handle this.
Also, do you live together? If you have your own place, I would change the locks and get security cameras. She could need serious help, or just be vindictive to you or your property. Hopefully it doesn’t turn out to need all that, but better safe than sorry. She could make up all kinds of stories about you. I’d protect myself and have no contact
First off you should leave her and probably file a restraining order as soon as she gives you a reason.
Secondly you should get a gym membership and a hobby to take your mind off the things she has put you through.
It happened, it can’t un-happen, so just accept it and start to untangle yourself from her. Once a year or two has passed you will be looking back at it like a foggy memory.
First and foremost, using life as a hostility is not a human. If that’s a human, there is no reason to rationalize anymore. You leave. You run. No trail. No tracks. Because they will hunt you down. It is no longer you help her. It is now you save yourself, your future kids, and your future.
Run.
If at any time you feel broken by a relationship, walk away. If you feel it’ll impact future relationships it’s ok to be single for awhile and enjoy life on your own. I’d also talk to a therapist to process what happened.
Gonna sound ice cold but if she dies she dies. I really doubt she will tho.
Never take a threat of suicide as an empty threat. Always call 911 if you believe someone is in danger. I know this firsthand.
It is possible that your ex has borderline personality disorder. These persons are toxic, manipulative and abusive. You are maybe « trauma bonded » to her. It is not love. It is like a drug. You are used to live these roller coaster in terms of emotions. You will find a real love after that. That is an experience to stronger yourself. Say thank you that you are 21 and not 41. Try to do a therapy if that help or hang out with family and friends. Good luck bro
GET OUT
I’ve been there, my friend.
>I’ve been mentally abused by her this whole time and i never saw it.
The first step to fixing yourself is to leave the mental abuse. You can’t heal while you are being actively injured.
> I’ve completely lost feelings for her.
This is also a signal to leave.
> i can never stick to it and end up going back on it
This is a you problem, and it’s one of the many reasons why people recommend going No Contact with abusive exes. Extremely manipulative people are ***very good*** at manipulating us, whether it is through threats, sex, love bombing, money, or abuse.
I’m going to recommend a website dedicated to recognizing and understanding the manipulative techniques that are used by personality-disordered individuals, for you to do some reading on.
[https://outofthefog.website/traits](https://outofthefog.website/traits)
The “FOG” stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, which are the three main emotions that are used to manipulate us.
For the remainder of this post, I’m going to reference traits listed on that page.
>we both live with my parents by the way and i can’t tell them as they are more supportive to her than me.
Traits: **Proxy Recruitment, Alienation, Imposed Isolation** – by portraying herself as the golden girl or victim, she’s recruited your parents into supporting her. This has isolated you from a key portion of your support network which would otherwise be on your side and telling you to take care of yourself. She’s also recruited them into supporting her abuse of her, and potentially making her the “victim” and you the “abuser” if you try to force her out of the home, because of.
Reality: You are their child. They love you. The longer you let this go, the more she will endear herself to them, and the more ability she has to make you the scapegoat. She has already made you believe that they will support her instead of you. Have you tested that? You might find that their support of her has been intended to be support of you supporting her.
>If i leave her she and her sister will be going back to their abusive father and mother im seriously at a loss 🙁
Traits: **No-Win Scenario, Dependency, Catastrophizing -** she’s made you feel trapped in a situation in which there are no “good outcomes,” because she has made herself inappropriately dependent on you and your family for her health and safety, and she’s portraying a catastrophic outcome as the only alternative.
Reality: She’s presented a false binary situation. There are many other options if you break up with her. You can move out, leaving her at your parents house. She and her sister can get jobs and an apartment. She and her sister can apply for public assistance, or live in women’s shelters. She and her sister can find another man, tell him the sob story, and get him to take them in.
Further, ***whatever happens*** is not your responsibility. You don’t cause her parents’ abusive behavior. And you aren’t causing her to go back to the family. You are only saying “I can’t live with you, and I’m no longer your boyfriend.”
>she is very mentally unstable and says things like “ill kill myself and you”
Traits: **Threats, Emotional Blackmail, Verbal Abuse -** As many have covered in responses to you, her threats are a form of blackmail, and they qualify emotional abuse. She is making these threats not because she intends to follow through, but intending to control your actions through fear of her threatened actions.
Reality: This is called “dangerous to self or others,” and is justification for an involuntary mental hold in the United States. You can call 911 when she says this – you don’t even have to break up with her to make the predicate true.
>What if its not an empty threat and she actually does it? I’m not confident in her being 100% stable if i leave her.
Traits: **Depression, Self-Harm** – That’s precisely why it is a justification for an involuntary mental hold. You aren’t a trained mental health professional with expertise in preventing suicide. Even if you had that training and background, you would not be an appropriate counselor for her due to your preexisting relationship.
Reality: She needs professional help to deal her depression and suicidal ideation. She is responsible for her own actions. You are not responsible for her actions.
Seriously, if you didn’t read that website, go read it now. It lists 100 different traits and behaviors — and each is a link to a page about that specific behavior, describing what it looks and feels like, with a specific list of “What Not To Do” and “What To Do” for each of them.
It can serve as an innoculation against many of the techniques she will try against you as you begin the process of separating and extracting yourself from this situation. In particular, pay attention to the section on Triangulation, as she may try to play you and your parents against each other.
So, Step 1, go read:
[https://outofthefog.website/traits](https://outofthefog.website/traits)
I guarantee you will recognize dozens more of her behaviors in that list.
Step 2:
Get support. Talk to a therapist.
Step 3, talk to your parents. Quoting from that website on the various pages:
>Keep in touch with those you love and trust and tell them about any problems or issues you are having.
>
>Talk to the people you are being alienated from. This takes courage.
You can do this.
You are not trapped.
I’ve done a quick copy and paste of a reply I made from another post made this week in this sub, changing genders for this posts. A gf was being tormented similarly by her bf.
My mom successfully did what your ex threatened to do to herself when I was 16 years old. I’m now 52. I’ve had a lifetime to process the consequences of her horrible decision.
This person is using your compassion against you. She’s using emotional manipulation to keep you in line so that he can play upon you. She is using your kindness as weapon to hurt you.
My concerns are first and foremost for you. Yes, she needs help. But you are the one that she is tormenting. She is seeking to punish you.
You’re in a constant state of stress and trauma. You may not be able to process things because of what she’s been doing. You know it’s not your fault, but she wants to make it your fault. That’s insidious behavior.
Added for here :
I survived what my mom did. I don’t want you to go through the decades of self-doubt blaming yourself because of the mental machinations of your gf’s choices. She is to blame, not you. You are in no way responsible for the things that she’s done!
This is very cold and calculating behavior. She wants you control you by choosing to actively cause you pain. No loving person would do that.
Best advice anyone ever gave me when I was with my abusive ex- It’s not your responsibility to keep them alive.
If they kill themselves then so be it, that isn’t on you. That blood isn’t on your hands, it isn’t your responsibility to kill yourself to keep them alive.
Call her bluff. My ex never did even after threatening over and over.
And if she does? It isn’t your fault. She’s an adult who made a choice.
You need to call emergency services when she says she’s going to kill herself and you. That’s an immediate psych hold. That will give you time to get out of the situation. You need a therapist as soon as you can see one, because you have definitely been abused.
Leave her. And block her.
She’s an adult, responsible for her own wellbeing. But you can inform her family and then cut contact.
Begin the healing journey, brother, come back into the light
Does she leave the house? When she is gone, grab your stuff and leave. If she calls threatening to kill herself, call 911. Get into therapy as soon as possible. I’m sorry you are going through this. There are many women that would never treat you this way. Best of luck to you.
I guess the first thing to realize is, you are not responsible for other people.
Guys often try to protect women and take responsibility that is not there’s, it’s a large part of our nature, but you need to learn to be selective with it.
If I had to guess, I bet you began with everything so wonderful you could hardly believe it. Wow, so much love, this is just awesome. Then you started seeing other sides to her and it evolved into, everything wrong in her life was your fault, right? Ok, here’s the thing, that beginning, that person you thought was so amazing that you could put up with so much just to get back to that again? Yeah, that wasn’t real. That was a mask to lure you in, and then they showed you the real them which was painful. It was a bait and switch, not your fault, but be aware of it for the future and don’t let it destroy you. A lot of guys go through this, you got it out of your system.
You are not broken, you likely did the right things and through yourself into a relationship with another person without reservation. If anything it was admirable, but you are not responsible for the damage someone else brings to you, you are not responsible for ‘fixing’ another person. Find a person who does not need to be fixed, and make sure you’ve fixed yourself as much as possible.
Get her to say that on a text or on a call then record her saying it for proof. You need to go stay with a friend until she moves out of your parent’s house. And if she doesn’t then you move out permanently. You don’t deserve this. Please see a therapist as well.
Ugh, cut that shit off homie. Btw, I know you’re from here in Aus when you say “yous” 😆
Do you live together?
Do you have commingled finances (joint accounts)?
Do you have the same cell plans or separate?
Are there any bills for her that you auto pay?
Those are some questions you need to ask yourself as you develop an exit strategy. You need an exit strategy. She has threatened to kill you. You need to be very careful and calculated. I am worried for your safety.
First off if you’re trying to break up with her and she’s threatening self harm and murder, then that is when you call emergency services and explain to them the situation and have it not only documented but also have them deal with her. I watch all the murder shows I can and I’ve seen episodes where one partner of the relationship ends up committing a murder suicide. Does she mean the threats?? Well I’m sure you don’t want to hang out and find out!! Have her committed and get yourself away from her. Change your number and cut all contact. She sounds mentally unstable and you’re not safe especially if she is making threats!! Get a restraining order against her, document every threat she has made either towards you or herself. Look into having her sectioned. Do it sooner rather than later and if I were you I’d be looking for a therapist to help work through everything you’ve been through with her to help you move forward into an actual healthy relationship when you are ready!!
Wish you all the best and just want to say not all of us are that bat shit crazy. There are kind, caring and emotionally stable women out there looking for their forever person!!!
Never date a mentally unstable person.
They need extensive therapy and professional help. She probably did not have a good upbringing and it’s her responsibility to get help for that, not you.
For your own sanity you must leave. If she threatens to kill herself contact her family or police.
Leave the relationship as soon as possible. This is my advice to you.
And you’ll probably need therapy afterwards because that’s how mentally unstable people f you up.
If you need to gather your things. Then send her a text like. I can no longer be with you. I feel like you are emotionally blackmailing me, and I’m afraid. You threatened to kill yourself and me. I can’t continue in a relationship like this. I hope you seek the help you need, but I can no longer be with you. The moment she texts back anything reiterating her plans to kill herself or you walk into your local police station. Show them the proof and ask them for a wellness check. If she’s that emotionally unstable and you don’t have “proof,” she may attempt to turn it back on you. You threatened her. You hurt her. She’s afraid of you. Protect yourself and then seek help. Situations like this will come back and bite you in the a$$ mentally and emotionally. You may carry it into your next relationship or continue seeking people with these traits. Good luck!