Title pretty much explains my situation. The sex was consensual. However, I felt disgusted at myself having sex without really wanting it (my bf really wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint him). I am stressed as I now feel scared of seeing him (I know this isn’t rational). I want to understand why I feel this way, and what I can do in this situation.
2 comments
What can you do? Learn from this. For many people, what you describe (which has a name – maintenance sex – where one person wants it and the other consents, despite not really being in the mood to keep their partner happy) can work and it is the way to compromise about mismatched sex drives – and I say that as a married 36M who is the low libido spouse in my marriage; a fair few times my wife and I have sex is maintenance sex on my part – but I do it because I am invested in meeting my wife’s needs (and yes, she does the same; in her ideal world, we would have even MORE sex, but she respects my need for less sex too – just before anyone things my marriage is inequitable). However, for many people that simply does not work; you have now found out that maintenance sex does not work for you. Going forward ONLY ever have sex if you genuinely want it. If that means you and your bf are incompatible, good that you find it out now before you get even more serious with him; you can then both go and find more compatible partners.
Why do you feel this way?
I don’t know but I would guess that you submitted to sex not out of sexual desire but because of the situation: your boyfriend wanted it, you did not want to seem withholding or unloving, you didn’t want things to become awkward.
Now, all those motivations have faded and the whole thing feels rather grimy. It’s a let-down.
You don’t want to see him because you will have to directly confront all these problems.
What can you do now? That I can answer:
1. Forgive yourself. You did what you thought was the right thing at the time. If it’s a mistake in retrospect, well, not too much damage was done.
2. *Decide* if you should forgive the boyfriend. Did he just want to have sex, and not conceal that fact from you — or did he pressure and manipulate you into it? If the former, try to just let it go. Wanting sex is natural, and letting you know is honest. If the latter, the situation is more serious. Either confront him about it, and make sure he knows it is *never* happening again, or else just never see him again.
3. Think about what led you to doing what you did. Was it alcohol? Or just being in a bad, self-destructive mood? Whatever, try to learn from the incident, so it does not happen again.