a bit about me , in school I had friends from every different group ( I got along with everyone) , I was funny , fun to hang out with , and I never had any problems socializing with anyone.
since covid I got severe depression , Isolated myself and lost all of my friends ( I only have like 2 right now) , the number of friends isn’t my issue although I’m lonely , but I don’t know how to socialize anymore , It’s like I forgot how to talk to people ,
now I hate talking to people , don’t like going out , and more importantly I don’t know how to interact with others , for example if I get an order wrong I just take it because I don’t want to talk to the person serving it, I don’t know how to start a conversation in university and in the rare chance that I’m in one it’s awkward as hell and I feel sorry for the person I’m talking to , I get anxiety if a place is crowded , I can’t even shake people’s hands ,
how to learn to have any social skills again? (although I never had to learn it before when I was fine) and how to fix my life? please any advice is greatly appreciated
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No advice unfortunately but just wanted to say I’m in the same boat. I was never super social but had no problem socializing before covid, and most of the time enjoyed it. Then covid happened and for much of 2021 I was pretty much isolated. I feel like I completely lost my social skills, and they haven’t recovered despite constant efforts to expose myself to social situations. I just feel anxious and off in social situations. I’m either way too nervous and anxious, or the opposite, tired and brainfogged. Never feel good.
Stop overthinking everything.. just do what you feel like doing..
That social and friendly side is still there within you but its just like you have lost it within you with those overwhelming & Overthinking thoughts of yours .
Start slow, maybe giving a smile during your lunch time when you exchange glances..
I used to be in that phase where i got antisocial & always anxious phase, but my natural friendly side got recovered ,once you get 2-3 new friends ..they will get you more friends and with increase in friends circle things will change.
Good luck …
Join a hobby group on Facebook that does meet ups. For example, I joined the local mountain biking group. They organize group rides once a week. Being around other people that like the same stuff can be a good first step.
You need to expose yourself to people.
It sounds like you have a trauma response. I was/ am in the same boat, and getting a good therapist to help me process through a lot of the root causes of my triggers has given me the tools to learn how to move past, manage, and heal from a lot of the things I went through in a healthy way.
Isolation > overthinking social situations> generating anxiety > brain adjusting > depression/fear > brain associating social situations with fear > social interactions sparks fear > more overthinking > more anxiety generating > …
Break this cycle by healing the root causes, this you can only do by asking: “why is this bad” until you get to the root and releasing all this control, effort and emotion associated with it. This has to be done in combination with exposure to the fear, it’s the only way to decensitize your brain and reprogram it.
I was the same after Covid. Slowly getting back to how I used to be by forcing my self to be more sociable or friendly when I’m in public
In a similar boat. For most of 2021 and 2022 I had no friends and was just isolated. I wish you all the best.
It’s sad too since I’m 22 now and you’ll never be 20 or 21 again, which is when I was pretty much doing nothing and had no friends.
I wish I had advices, I went exactly through the same, except unfortunately it started way earlier than covid,
CBT and DBT both specialize in removing / significantly reducing anxiety, including social anxiety. I believe both are around 12 sessions, one session a week, for the course.
Take it one small step, by one small step.
Honestly I’m not here for anything other than to see suggestions because working retail has done the exact same thing to me. I feel you so much with the post it hurts.
you could try therapy and just be gentle with urself. i kinda understand. i used to have a lot of social anxiety and also am introverted. but before the pandemic i was a lot more open, excited, vulnerable in a good way and now i feel like a picle. it was worse in the begining, i was very stiff lmao.. had that deer in headlights face whenever someone talked to me. now i feel better. i´m not rude but i just feel a weird tension when i´m around people. idk what it is but it´s not necessarily social anxiety anymore, like i wanna socialize but i also just wanna be at peace by myself and do solo stuff like gym. its like i dont care anymore i dont have friends. i dont push myself but strangely, people are approaching me now.
so the advice i can give u is do it like me. dont force anything. sometimes conversations will naturally happen anyways.
I recommend [Charisma on Command](https://youtube.com/@Charismaoncommand) on YouTube. I like this guy in particular because he is positive, he covers a wide range of social situations / issues, he provides specific examples of what to do (or avoid doing) in those situations, and he elaborates on the WHY to help grow our social awareness.
The “fake it till you make it” approach applies very much to social skills. Takes practice to integrate new behaviors. Might feel artificial at first, but it becomes second nature with time. I tend to re-watch his videos, too, picking up more the second time round after I’ve had more experiences relating to the scenarios he’s discussed.
This has happened to so many of us.
It is a very big side effect from everything that happened in the last few years.
Society is shifting because of it. Try to remember you are not defective and alone in this and maybe see if shifting your view that the others around you feel the same as you.
This will help you realize the awkwardness or uneasy responses you’re feeling back isn’t because of you it’s with you
We have to find a new way and system to navigate the world in hs we were fresh and all learning the social ways along with each other.
Now the rules have all changed and for adults the “third places” to hang out or interact are not relevant or almost extinct.
You were forced to be in social settings.
The first step is to STOP 🛑 over analyzing. Stop thinking about what to do/say in any given situation, what others may think, etc. Be in the moment. Many people are going through the exact issue you encountered. You can either dip your toes in, or dive straight into the deep end. Think about when you go swimming. Yeah, you may want to dip your toes in first, but you KNOW that inching yourself into the water is TORTURE. It isn’t as pleasant or liberating as diving right in! Right before you dive in, you’re hesitant, because you know the water is cold. You go ahead and dive in anyway, and it’s exhilarating; you feel AMAZING. If you want to dip your toes in I’d suggest sparking up a convo with random strangers. You’re waiting in a check out line? Comment on something you see the person ahead of you purchasing. I know, I know, small talk SUCKS. Many of us loathe it, but sometimes that’s what it takes to start feeling more comfortable with talking with others and socializing.! Tell them you’d been wanting to try out (insert product) and ask their opinion on in. Make eye contact and smile/smirk. Join some clubs (I noticed someone else suggested this), because it’s an excellent way to already have a topic of passion to discuss and easily connect with others without necessarily feeling lost/clueless. You can also volunteer which is a way to give back to the community AND connect with others. The focus isn’t on you, but rather helping others, so it takes pressure off of you. If you have the courage to dive in then put yourself in a position where you’re FORCED to make small chat and speak with others. One thing I did to challenge myself (not sure what your situation is or if you’re in the position to do something like this- but it was an immense help for me) was started waiting tables. As a server, you’re put into a wide array of situations and it teaches you a lot. It teaches you patience. You’re FORCED to partake in small chat, but eventually you realize other people are suffering too. You learn people’s names and their struggles and they ask you about yourself. You learn a lot about interacting with others but also about yourself and how you can improve. It’s beautiful. A second option would be to join an improv group. Yet another option would be to sign up as a guest speaker for an event. The best way to grow is to get out of your comfort zone.
Wanted to share something I recently learned! So first off – same. NEVER had problems making friends and then during my divorce I socially isolated from mostly everyone for the last year and a half. Now I dissociate during most interactions with new people, and it’s like I don’t even know what to talk about anymore or how to listen and not check out into space, or even retain what was just said five seconds prior. Then I saw a video on YouTube from Dr. Tracey Marks (a psychiatrist) about how prolonged social isolation literally deteriorates the brain – similar to what’s happening in the brains of people with Alzheimer’s (recent studies detailing the effects of Covid and quarantining over the last 3 years are finally being released)
I’d highly recommend looking it up, but the five things she suggests doing to rebuild your brain (three cheers for neuro plasticity!) are 1) education (literally learning about anything) 2) high levels of social interaction (lol but this is hard) 3) cognitively challenging jobs (not mind-numbing but not overly stressful, either – can be a hard balance to strike IMO) 4) activities that engage your brain (like sudoku, crossword puzzles, learning a new instrument, etc) and 5) physical exercise. I’ve started going on runs literally in the name of “but I don’t want my brain to deteriorate!” And the couple friends that I have made recently have started saying “wanna hang out? Better than brain deterioration!”
This is all very fucking hard, and I am so sorry you’re also going through the harrowing experience of loneliness and “I used to be good at this and now I can’t engage”. I hope things get brighter soon <3
What about about a part time job? It’ll help you be social and you’ll start to bond with coworkers
healthygamerGG (Dr. K) covers some of these topics. but it really comes down to exposure therapy and understanding that anxiety is a fear of something that hasn’t happened and, for this scenario, likely won’t harm you.
Sorry for the quick statement. about to go for a Pokemon Go and lunch walk.
You got this. You aren’t broken.
Wow. This legitimately happened to me. Had you met me in high school / my teenage years I was the definition of a social butterfly. Fast forward my time at uni & I was a complete shell of my former self. It took some time & a whole pandemic to really reverse those changes but I am now no longer dealing with any sort of anxiety really and can talk to anyone again.
So I’m going to give you all the advice, tips, and mental reframes I used that really helped me when I was going through this.
1. If you’re on any sort of drugs, or drink. Stop it. As much as you may think it helps you relax or deal with life, you are only using it to escape and not deal with reality.
2. Whenever you have a lot going on in your head, it really helps to move everything below it. (:
Not saying you have to go full gym bro but having healthy outlets will help tremendously with mental health / overall health + happiness. Move your body, you’ll be surprised how many benefits you’ll draw from it.
3. Being in your head & anxious in social situations is the result of being focused on yourself. “How am I being perceived?” “What am I supposed to say?” Realize that the best way to be interesting, is to be interested. When talking to others take a genuine interest in what they have to say, and ask questions that allow the other person to educate you & forces them to go beyond their normal talk track.
4. Realize no one cares. The same way you have your own issues, stresses & life so does everyone else. The amount of time you think others spend thinking of you is wildly inaccurate. I can guarantee you this. To some this may sound as a depressive statement, in reality it is a freeing one. No one cares if you mess up or embarrass yourself and they will forget about one mishap far quicker than ya think. So, just be yourself & be appreciative of the few people in your life that go out of their way to let you know they do care.
5. Life is a mirror. If you want to change the outer, change the inner. They way you view yourself dictates how you show up in the world which will in turn determine how others treat you, which will than reaffirm that initial view you have of yourself. So again, if you want to change the outer, change the inner. (Had this written on my mirror for the longest time, it helped remind me that I am in control of how I show up in the world)
6. Exposure therapy! Look into it. It helps.
7. Do not be so delusional that you think you are the only person to ever experience this. In general, any problem you are facing you are likely not the first to go through it and equally as likely someone, somewhere probably wrote a book on it, read that book. And than another. And than read another one of a slightly similar issue. And all the meanwhile apply what you’re reading through application + dedication you’ll find you can deal with most of the problems you’ll face in the world
8. A major problem for me was the loss of identity. My previous version of myself was only so confident / sociable because I knew where I was deriving my confidence from. When that source left, I no longer knew who I was and what I can be confident about. Ask yourself this, where does your confidence come from? How are people confident. (Go down this rabbit hole, it’ll help)
9. Write, podcast, voice note, whatever method you choose, have an outlet where you can get all of your thoughts out info the world. I have YouTube videos that I have never shared with anyone simply doing monthly life updates because it helped to get these thoughts out of my head and into the world. Get in tune with how you truly feel, drop the ego and be completely honest with yourself
10. Have a little faith (: doesn’t matter in who or what just have some.
Writing this during my workday so it’s a little rushed. Hope it helps! haha
How long have you been isolated ?
Just wanted to say you’re not alone. I feel the same exact way. I feel like I was a different person before covid and I’m struggling to find that person again. I’m a fucking mess.
It’s just something you’d have to either talk to a psychiatrist about or work on yourself. However, i’m in the same boat, though mine has been due to a lot of mental trauma caused by emotional abuse by family and my past 2 jobs, as well as suicidal thoughts. Now, i tolerate people but i dont wanna bond or interact more than what’s necessary.
Weirdly, I feel you’re going to get it back again. Someday a switch will flip. You’re out of your groove but idk, just feels like you’re going to jump right back in there one day. Don’t ask me how I know this or how it will happen. I just think it will.
My nibling is 7 and she’s so sociable its my favorite thing about her. We were on a summer vacation together, and no matter where we went she can make friends so easily. The beach, restaurants, parks. She often will just walk up to other kids introduce herself, and asks if she can play with them. Its a great skill that you need going into adulthood because often times you need to be the instigator, introduce yourself and take initiative to include yourself.
I was the same way. It only helped me when I put myself through the pain and massive uncomfortableness and just did it. Every time I went to the store made conversation with the cashier when no one else was in line just to get practice. Co-workers at work, make conversation and keep practicing to get confidence. I hated calling people on the phone so I did that in free time to get practice. I did all of those until it started feeling natural. All I really do is go to work and hang out with my brother and chill at home during off days so I HAVE TO PRACTICE at stores and through a cell phone and at work. You can’t use no excuses just have to do the act. I know some people who are just like how I WAS. They are hushpuppy’s at work and at the store, do everything they as fast as they can out in public and at work and never call people. They never try but want the results! Gotta go through the work and pain of it!
A book I highly recommend “the power of now” . Currently on a social journey myself, this book has opened my eyes. And really being curious into other peoples lives. Ask about peoples hobbies, interest, even their family life! And just listen, this has been working for me.
I was in an identical situation to you coming out of the COVID-19 lockdowns. I was super friendly, little to no social anxiety, and very personable before COVID, but then I spent 3.5 years inside speaking face to face to no one but my brother the entire time.
Almost 3 years post lockdown and I can say I’ve fully recovered and am now even more sociable and personable than before.
The two pieces of advice I can give is you have to put yourself out there and get used to it again and you have to realize that nobody cares about the little fuck ups.
It’s hard at first and you’ll think you’re a social moron and overthink every interaction, but slowly you will start to read the cues again and you’ll start to remember how to talk like an actual human being. I took the path of fire and immediately jumped into an extremely socially demanding job of being a barista which helped kick-start everything for me again. I also starting going to the gym and reading self-help books to regain my self-esteem and self-confidence.
It can be dismaying to misread a cue and say something out of turn or make a bad joke in the moment but have humility; learn to poke fun at yourself and understand that an hour after that interaction, the other person probably already forgot and are ruminating on something they think they did to embarass themselves. Just try to have fun!
Remember that old saying? It’s like riding a bike? It’s only kind of true, you do forget the nuances but the basics are still there and if you take the time to practice you’ll be back to “normal” in no time!
P.S. if you miss your old friends from before the lockdowns, theres absolutely no harm in reaching out to them and saying hey. Either they also miss you and would be happy to hear from you, or they don’t and probably won’t reply. I reconnected with my university friends by posting a picture in discord of a funny liscence plate I saw after not speaking to them for over a year!
Trying to develop social skills while being a loner will be an uphill battle, but you can also use it to your advantage. Try and find reasons to tell yourself why you did the right things and why it’s ok for you to have made those mistakes. Only use the reactions of others sparingly. Justify to yourself as much as possible why you did what you did, but also modify your behaviour accordingly if you have sufficient reason to believe that you should stop doing a certain thing. It takes a while (I’d say about 6 months) but it’s an amazing feeling once you get the ball rolling.
this happened to me to in high school when i homeschooled and isolated myself. before that i could talk to people and wasn’t scared. what helped me was going to college and kinda being forced to be around people and talk. it took about a year to not feel so scared anymore and about 3 years to learn my social skills back. sooo my advice would be to surround yourself with a lot of people, observe how people are starting convos with each other and stuff, and try to talk even if it’s awkward cause you’ll get better at it eventually.
in class it’s easy to start a conversation, ask them about a recent test or about the homework, or something related to the class.
I have locked myself away from years I have no idea how to talk to people I used to be somewhat normal before the anxiety and all that started well bipolar in my case but with bipolar there is anxiety depression and panic attacks I wish I could go back to being some what normal .
To start from 0, I’d recommend just starting by smiling at stranger you walk past, saying hello to strangers u walk past (as long as they look friendly) and if u have a nice thought about someone (ie nice smile, cute outfit, shoes, laugh etc) tell them don’t keep it to yourself – you’ll probs make their day too.
And I’m no social butterfly but these things make me feel a little more out there lol or also start to have a dad joke or some joke memorized to break ice or just have something to say
This was me too. I will have good days and just slip back into it at the worst times. It’s hard! I weirdly had to go to physical therapy 2x a week and that really helped but I just finished and I feel a little lost again.
Are there any hobbies you have that you can sign up for to force a schedule on you?
Two suggestions. Follow the fear into itself n ask it “what is going on or what are you afraid of”? Wait for an answer/s. Do this as often as you feel able.
Remember that once you learned n expressed social skills etc. You can reteach your self those skills internally. Allow your “previous” sociable self to demonstrate them . Be kind n patient. Best of luck.
I’m in the same boat. Social and always out —> loner homebody (post Covid).
It’s taken some time to slowly work in social interactions with strangers (I am learning a language via zoom, therapy) and not pushing myself because I get tired easily.
I didn’t think this rut or feeling would change but in the last couple of weeks, I feel semi normal again.
I think it might happen for you too. Baby steps and patience. Be kind to yourself
If you have depression or anxiety, those need be solved first.
We need connections with people, or we feel lonely, eventually we get depressed. Chicken and egg situation though right.
Self esteem is the most important factor in how we function and interact. You can read all the books and watch all the clips but, until you have self esteem, you’ll be in your head. It’s a terrible suffering to worry about every interaction all the time, and (sometimes) base your self worth on “Was I funny enough, or was I weird… oh man why did I say that… shit now he hates me” or what not. “How are you” … “yeah you too” omg I’m soooo dumb. Nah man.
Once you have self esteem, even if you say dumb shit, you simply don’t care. I use to only speak when someone inevitably asked me why I’m quiet. Then I would feel obligated to pretend I wanted to be there and try to contribute to the discussion. Now, I talk a lot, or i’ll talk a little. Either way, I never regret, dwell, or analyze it after the fact. I can look around a room and pick and choose who’s company I want instead of hoping I’ll be accepted.
I say the preceding because that’s ultimately where you wanna be and if I can do it, anyone can. 30 years of depression and hiding to the opposite.
If you’re anti social, work on you first, because you need some confidence and self esteem. Depression will cut your all your cognitive abilities in half. Just a random estimate… because when I was depressed, sometimes I would literally struggle to form sentences, let alone exhibit social skills. Memory, creativity, comprehension, it’s all hindered.
So work on you and come out of depression. Clinical depression needs medication but if it’s situational, start taking care of your priorities. Finish your homework completely first. Then sort your place out, neatly. Then check your wardrobe, make sure it’s all clean. Check your hygiene and grooming, look the best you can. If you have a to do list, get it done. Now you can focus on what’s in front of you (people).
Keep in mind that whoever you’re talking to might be in the exact place mentally that you are, or worse. Even if they look or act perfectly, people fake, never assume anything. You won’t get along with everyone. Don’t take anything personally, ever. If you do or say something awkward, so what, life isn’t scripted, just own it. Call yourself out “wow i’m so awkward holy f**k” and continue talking.
You could be mega confident and you’ll scare off half the people you talk to, because it’s intimidating, especially to someone with anxiety or depression. So if you have a boring or awkward conversation just move on, and don’t blame yourself ever. Even if it was your fault… a conversation, an action, your job, your family, none of it defines you. What defines you is your attitude, your values, integrity, etc. Even if your attitude is “shit” according to the majority, okay, why is it “shit?” If their answer doesn’t make sense, they can F off. If their answer is a revelation to you, this defines you too, you’re willing to listen, and open to change.
Once you realize that the majority of people are not going to be a perfect match for you as a friend or partner, your expectations will keep lowering and you won’t be disappointed anymore.
Before that actually… once you’re out of depression. Eventually you have so many conversations you realize that they’re almost always the same anyway, so you simply don’t care enough to be worried about what you’re gonna say.
Focus on having fun and being yourself. Don’t focus on socializing properly, don’t focus on the other person (do listen to them just don’t behave in a way that caters to them, be yourself mostly).
Anxiety comes from you thinking you have to perform to a certain standard imo. Forget about being cool, focus on having fun and talking about things you REALLY find interesting.
When you were a kid and were playing u prolly didn’t think if you looked cool doing it but had the time of your life. Let go of expectations and take baby steps. Start with small talks then go bigger! U got this homie. 🔥
Don’t let yourself beat you up…read that again! You have control you can do the thing, talk to that stranger, gain your confidence back!
Gooodluck!
The answer isn’t to learn how to socialize. It’s to feel happy again. You’re a natural. It all comes to you naturally. That’s why you never thought about it so you don’t know how you even did it. Find out what’s causing your depression exactly and kill it. Spirituality (journaling, meditation, gratitude) exercise, nutrition, herbs like ashwaganda and St. John’s wort, and therapy like CBT can all help. Explore your options. Find what caused your depression exactly and fix it then you’ll be able to socialize and enjoy life without even trying to again.
This is becoming world wide problem