Hey all, I’m in need of some support here. Recently, my boyfriend and I were intimate for the first time and I think it really messed me up.
Some background info- I’ve dealt with a lot of abuse in my life, so any sort if intimacy has been hard. He and I are long distance and this is the first healthy relationship I’ve ever had so I thought I was genuinely ready to be intimate. He is so sweet and caring He writes me pages about how much he cares, he hangs out with my brother, my family loves him he’s a really great guy.
For context, we’ve been friends for about two years and together for 6 months. While together I’ve only been able to see him a handful of times. We’ve done a lot of verbal teasing over the phone and that was exciting for me. But when it came down to it actually in the moment, it just felt awkward and wrong like there was no attraction.
Honestly the whole event is making me feel sick. There were just little things, like we talked about boundaries before hand, but in the moment he kept pressing them so I caved. Oral things happend too and in the moment we talked about them and I gave him a bj and he had been asking to go down on me which I was fine with and he said he would after I did him and I told him I hadn’t shaved and he said he was fine but then once he got off he no longer cared to go down on me and it just ended.
Now I just feel used again and hurt. I think I made a really bad decision and may have messed things up between us. Before I felt comfortable talking to him and communicating but now I just feel distant and I’m realizing how much more growing and healing was needed. I feel terrible saying this because I really care about this guy but the whole experience is leaving a horrid taste in my mouth.
There were other things that just didn’t sit right but I’m terrified now that we have no physical chemistry. I don’t understand. Any advice from anyone who’s been through similar?
Tl;DR feeling used worried I had sex too early and i messed up a good relationship
5 comments
Why are you the one feeling bad when HE is the one who crossed your boundaries?
He’s not a really great guy. Great guys respect boundaries and follow through. They want you to feel good too. Chemistry is also a really interesting and unique thing that is just hard to predict.
> once he got off he no longer cared
Did you tell him this then? Have you told him yet? He sounds immature and selfish in bed – I’m sorry this is reminiscent of your trauma.
Sorry this sounds hard!
Id share this post. an older friend taught me. “The first is the worst” the idea that the first time you dance with someone in bed that you’ll be perfectly in step is ludicrous. Sometimes it happens and it’s great but it ain’t standard. Y’all are both young and going to make mistakes. We’re not taught good consent or nuances. The idea that us men get is that we should be assertive and topple that with raging hormones.
You may be able to get through this with him. You may be able to reset. Make sure he reads some more about consent and sex and some articles about people who have gone thru abuse before you are physical again. . Popular books include I heart female Orgasm, the guide to getting it on.
He may get scared that he’ll hurt you, and y’all should talk this thru.
This dude is selfish. You did nothing wrong, yet (you’ll only ne doing something wrong if you di not dump his butt). Partners respect each other and want to make each other happy – he did neither of these things.