Update- I (23M) have been feeling resentment because of my girlfriend’s(23F) sexuality

35 comments

1. You didn’t betray her and it wasn’t your fault. “No sex forever” is an untenable position for most people…and it’s unrealistic for her to expect most guys to be ok with that.

   You did the right thing ending it

2. You needed to put yourself first in the situation. You did the correct thing, I know the situation is complicated & you still have feelings, however you’re expected to be asexual as well, when you’re just not.

3. Just want to commend your bravery, my wife was somewhat on the fence about asex. And I was pretty much on the same path. It is extremely hard caring for someone and also craving the physical intimacy. That was a hard decision I believe later in life this would be something you are proud of. Your happiness is important.

4. It’s not your fault. You’re not responsible for her mental illness. She needs to be comforted by family or friends. I think you should stay away from her, TBH.

5. >A couple of days after making the post, I decided maybe it is time for a breakup. The comments did gave me the confidence that it was alright to feel how I was feeling.

   I read the other post and yes it was totally okay to feel this way given your situation though I’m not sure how you can truly love someone without knowing they’re asexual.

   >So I sat her and just told her everything. How I was getting sexually frustrated and that maybe we should break up. Initially she was confused but when the realisation hit her, she became too quiet. Like she didn’t say a word to me and just went to pack her stuffs in my room. I thought maybe giving her space was the right call so I didn’t follow her.

   All of this is totally appropriate on your end.

   >She came out of the room and started to leave. I tried to talk to her about still being friends but she just said “I thought you were different” and left.

   Sounds like you were different. Doesn’t sound like you were abusive in any way. You were good to her and you still “love” her. You’ve set aside your needs for at least a year and didn’t even raise the subject until now. But you were also extremely irresponsible. You should’ve thought a lot more about how you’d feel about not having sex. Never means never *ever.* instead of just dumping her you could’ve asked to open up the relationship so your physical needs are met. You can still be in love with her and have other partners just for sex. People do it all the time

   >That broke me. But the worst didn’t happen yet. I was in contact with her roommate just to be sure that she was doing ok. She tried to end her life the day after her breakup. Thankfully her roommates were there and they controlled the situation.

   You don’t need to be in contact with her or her roommate. I don’t understand why people pretend they’ll be friends after a breakup. 99% of the time you won’t. You just knew she was triggered and you felt responsible so you’re leaving the door cracked which only prolongs both of your pain. Sounds like she has a lot more going on than just being asexual and none of that’s you’re responsibility. It’s also possible this may have been a cry for attention and/or a way to guilt you into taking her back and it wouldn’t surprise me if the suicide attempt was completely fabricated.

   >She is getting help. Atleast that’s what her roommate said. Apparently, one of her ex didn’t care about her asexuality and in a way, tried to force her. And then another one, hardly stayed eith her for a month before losing his control and souting at her for being a freak (just because she won’t have sex). And the others guys she went on dates with, bailed out as soon as they heard about her “no sex” rule. So, I guess, for her, I was the first one who actually cared. And then I broke her heart too.

   Good, she needs help. I totally understand why she’s upset because every relationship has the exact same problem; her sexuality. Asexuality is by no means common and unless you find another asexual its gonna be a major problem in the relationship. She needs to accept that she has two rational options. She can stop dating until she meets another asexual or she can start dating men who are willing to be in an open relationship. Committing suicide was definitely not the appropriate response in any universe. You definitely didn’t “betray her as your last sentence state.

   Go no contact and move on. It’s best for both of you.

   Edit: spelling errors

6. You’re absolutely not at fault. The reality is, you were incompatible and with her sexual identity she will likely be incompatible with 95% of people.

   She needs to get the help she needs and you should talk to someone too, just to make sure you’re OK.

7. This is not your fault.

8. Guilt is a useful emotion when we’ve done something wrong. We feel this way so the lesson learned ‘sticks’ and we don’t do the bad thing again.

   Sometimes guilt shows up when we do something we have to do and someone gets hurt. You thought you could be asexual. You were wrong. It happens. It’s okay to let go of the guilt.

   Easy for me to say, yes. You didn’t set out to hurt her and that matters. Hopefully one day she will realize the break up was better than eventual resentment. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

9. You have nothing to feel guilty for, you have done the right thing in breaking up with her as regardless of how much you care you are sexually incompatible. Your resentment would have continued to grow and it would have been far worse down the track.

10. Bro what? You want sex, she doesn’t. How have you betrayed her?

    Would you live your entire life not having sex rather than being with someone who wants the same as you?

    Don’t even begin to blame yourself for her actions, it’s absolutely not your fault. She will be able to find someone who is asexual just like you’ll also find a compatible partner.

11. How have you betrayed her? You did your level best, but ultimately you’re just not sexually compatible – and why should you live a life without sex for *her* sake? You might have agreed with it at the start, but you’re allowed to change your mind.

    >So, I guess, for her, I was the first one who actually cared. And then I broke her heart too.

    It’s not really enough to stay in a relationship because you’re worried about what will happen to them if you leave. If you’d stayed, your resentment would’ve just grown with time (particularly if you saw others in happy, sexually fulfilling relationships) and the fallout would’ve been much worse in the future.

    If she wants to have a ‘no sex at all and forever’ rule, she would probably be better off finding asexual groups and looking for relationships there. Otherwise, she kind of seems doomed to fail.

12. You can’t set fire to yourself just to warm someone else

13. There are other asexual people in this world. She needs to date one of them and stop dating people with sex drives. It’s unfair and kinda cruel to expect you to be both faithful to her (monogamous) and celibate. Her sexuality and needs are valid. But so are yours. She needs someone compatible, and that’s not you.

14. Nope not on you. Sexuality needs to be compatible. Would you force yourself to date a guy just because he liked you? No you wouldn’t because you are not gay (I’m assuming). She was not compatible for you and you did the kind thing by not forcing her and not shaming her. She needs therapy for the previous trauma but you did nothing wrong.

    You would be hurting yourself by staying in a relationship when you’re not happy. Sex is important to you…there’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re unhappy that tends to bleed out in other ways eventually.

15. Look, sex is important to most people and you totally have the right to want it. Unfortunately for her, i imagine that that’s also the reason why finding someone who’s also asexual or that is okay being with an asexual person is going to be hard.

    This situation is sad, but absolutely nobody’s fault. Some of the LGBTQIA+ community (of which asexuals are a part of) does have more of a difficult time finding people to be in a relationship with, and from what I know the asexual part is one of those. I’m not saying that situation is right, but i do suppose that when you have a boundary that excludes sex it ends up limiting your dating pool.

    This is going to hurt now but you made the absolute best choice for both of you. I hope she heals soon, I hope you don’t take the blame for yourself ♥️

16. The only thing I can think of is that maybe you could have told her you were frustrated before talking about breaking up. If she wasn’t aware of how you felt before, it might have been shocking and hurtful to hear.

17. It awful what happened. She’s in a difficult spot. She knows she’s not willing to have sex, but most relationship partners are going to want it at least once in a while.

    There are guys out there that don’t want sex either, but they are hard to find. She has to be patient. You seemed like a close match to her needs, but feelings change. She was the right personality, but you decided you had more needs in the relationship. That is perfectly normal. You were aware of this change in needs and didn’t make her feel bad about her needs. She obviously had something hokng on that pushed her to attempt to hurt herself. That was not your fault in any way. She needed help likely long before she attempted what she did, but she got content or comfortable enough with how she dealt with her problems so she didn’t discuss them or try to stir things by by letting you know that side of her.

    Please don’t blame yourself. You were different. You cared about her. I hope she is getting the help she needs.

18. At the end of the day you did nothing wrong. Had you stayed, resentment would have built up into an inevitable breaking point. Sexual compatibility is a real and integral part of a relationship. If you don’t have that, it can’t work. More importantly you’re not responsible for other people’s actions. You can’t blame yourself for her attempt. You were doing what’s best for both of you, even if she doesn’t realize it yet. Don’t get back with her out of pity, you’ll regret it in the future and the breakup will be worse the second time around. You can worry about being friends later as long as everyone involved gets the help they need. It sounds to me like you truly loved her. Go easy on yourself.

    EDIT: typo

19. Venting is definitely the right thing to do. Try and not feel guilty, you did what you had to do. I feel bad for her with her past experiences but that’s not on you.

20. Please talk to a therapist.

    It is not your fault that she tried to end her life. She needs help. I hope she can find a therapist to help her.

    It wasn’t fair for her to expect you to fully abstain. It also shouldn’t have been something you said yes to, but you’ve learned that hard lesson. Perhaps you love her as a friend.

    It will take time but you will be okay. Forgive yourself. You put YOUR needs first and that’s NOT a bad thing. You are the only person who can take care of you.

    I’m sending you so much love. ❤

21. You thought you were okay with it and learned that you weren’t. That’s life

22. I’m so sorry for both of you. This is a very sad event and it wasn’t your fault.

23. You are absolutely NOT at fault in this situation! You cannot be a “blame sponge” for something as straight-forward as sexual incompatibility. You just can’t.

    This is her thing to deal with. She needs to seek therapy, because she is only 23 and this will continue to happen if she seeks out monogamous relationships with men who are not asexual. It’s going to, inevitably, crash every time because most of the population seeks out sexual intimacy as a part of their romantic relationships.

    Be kind to yourself. You have no blame here.

24. So the post got too much attention and there has been some stuffs that I would like to clarify and thought an edit would be better than replying to the comments individually.

    1) I saw some comments mentioning that we were in a relationship for 4 years. That’s not true. The relationship was only 1 year long.

    2) The reason I agreed for “no sex” is because I thought I could do it. I was previously in a relationship where we hardly ever had sex. Plus we were friends before dating. So I thought it won’t be that bad. I was wrong. I learnt it the hard way.

    3) I would like to clear that not every asexual hates sex. Some do enjoy it. It is more about not having sexual attraction. I think the appropriate term in case of my ex would be sex-repulsed.

    4) The reason I am in contact with her roommate is because she doesn’t have much support. She has her family out of her life. The only support system she had was her roommates and me. I will break the contact once I am sure she is alright.

    5) People saying her “I thought you were different” was wrong. I didn’t take it that way. She was hurt. She isn’t a bad person.

    6) I can’t afford therapy. So that is out of question for now.

    7) I saw 1 comment about her suicide being for attention. Let’s just not say that. I have known her enough to know how her mental health has been and this isn’t something she would do.

    And also, thanks for all the comments. I feel good reading all these and less guilty for now.

25. Sex-repulsed ace here- you did the right thing. My last partner I broke up with for similar reasons, he wanted sex and I didn’t (something he knew getting into the relationship I wasn’t down for). No one can blame you for not being compatible with an a-spec person. I’m glad you ended the relationship and are prioritizing your needs 🙂

26. What you are feeling is normal because breakups are generally not feel-good situations.

    What I’m saying is your feelings are valid so you should process/feel/whatever else you need to do as it concerns feelings.

    However do not make the mistake of logically processing your feelings because there is no logic when it comes to emotions especially complex ones.

    Be pragmatic moving forward and I pray you both eventually find the peace you deserve.

27. Here’s what I’ll tell you. You CAN NOT take her “I thought you were different” retort to heart. You were different, you did understand at the time, and you definitely gave it a great try to comply to her needs. I’ve dated a few hardcore Asexual women in my life and it was hella tough and at the time I felt the same guilt when I realized they were who they were and I felt like I had let them down. The thing is and this is what you have to realize is that she knew you WEREN’T asexual when she decided to also date you. It’s a two way street on both your parts and no one is to blame for when people change or need to grow. You didn’t cheat, you didn’t lie. You did the absolute best thing and communicated with her with exactly how you felt. You are not responsible for her reactions when you were honest with her about your thoughts and feelings. It is perfectly okay to not be compatible with someone and it not work out in the end. You did the right thing by letting the relationship go.

    Now, as far as the “let’s still be friends” scenario, I’m gonna tell you to hold off on the just for a while. She’s hurt, your vulnerable to guilt right now. This is not the best time to mend y’all’s friendship but that is a hell of a slippery slope that you don’t need to be treading on. Give her and you some time apart because of you jump on right now to try and save your friendship, you ARE going to jump back into the relationship out of guilt and you will resent yourself and her and the second time around is 1000x harder than the first. Go do you for a few months, get your head straight, check up on her through friends or just her social media but let her have her space away from you.

    Best of luck man
    – A wise long lifed man –

28. You did the right thing. For many people no sex is a dealbreaker.

    I could never be with someone in couldn’t intimately be with. She needs to seek out other asexual people… I doubt many sexually active people will be down tbh

29. You did what was right for you.

    If you’re interested in having sex then having an asexual girlfriend is probably not for you. You can try to deny this all you want and your body will probably disagree even more strongly as time goes on. I couldn’t ever do it and so, I don’t try to maintain an asexual relationship on any intimate level because that’s not honoring my own needs.

    It’s okay to put your needs first, nobody else is going to.

30. OP, breaking up was the right decision. You were not compatible. You each deserve partners that can and want to meet your needs. It sounds like she is in a position to get some help now. You should not feel guilty or consider reconciliation. Prioritizing yourself in this situation is a necessity for your happiness and mental health. I wish you both the best of luck finding the “right” partners. It will get easier. Just try not to blame yourself.

31. Having an intimate relationship with your SO, is normal, and healthy. I for one have never met a healthy 23M who would agree to never having sex for the rest of their lives. You were making all the important compromises.

32. You did the right thing. Her attempt isn’t your fault. Sex is a very important aspect to intimacy and love for many humans. I couldn’t be in a sexless relationship like that.

33. You are just two different people that are not compatible and want different things in life.

34. Lack of sexual contact for a sexual person can cause mental anguish. It’s easy to -*say* it’s just sex go without, but at some point you become touch starved and it can cause depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues caused by repeated feelings of rejection. You did what was right for you. She is doing what is right for her (ie no sex) but can’t expect you to give it up any more than you can force it on her.

    She needs counseling to help her work through her own feelings of rejection.

35. There’s a difference between thinking you’ll be ok with a situation when someone explains it vs living through the situation. You thought it was ok but realized it wasn’t how you want to live your life. That is ok.

    She needs an ace dating site if she truly wants to avoid repeating this situation in the future.