Learning to literally STOP CARING helped me so much in social conversations.
I noticed that a majority of the time I would be really shy and awkward and struggle to know what to say in social situations and literally feel like I had NO personality but sometimes I’d notice that (rarely) in some periods of times I’d be able to easily talk to anyone about anything confidently without any shyness.
I noticed this a while ago but didn’t think anything of it, I just figured that some days I’d just be randomly confident for no reason and I couldn’t control it. However a few weeks ago I think I finally figured why this was happening.
For example- I noticed if I was super stressed/anxious about something unrelated I’d easily be able to talk to someone without shyness. Same for if I was really excited about something.
There were several cases in which this would happen and I realised that the thing they all came in common in was the fact I didn’t care. For example, let’s say I was worried about something unrelated, I’d be too busy worrying about that than to be anxious about a simple conversation, I’d be able to talk easily without other thinking on the topic or on what I was saying.
Most of the times when I was socially affluent it was because I wasn’t ovethinking as I simply didn’t care enough too. Ironically, when I overthink social situations and rehearse what to say the conversation comes off as more forced and failed.
So now I’d identified the problem what was next? Now I knew all I had to do was stop caring but obviously this is easier said than done. You can’t just CHOOSE to stop ovethinking.
This is where the practice comes in an it comes easier over time.
In social conversations I literally TELL myself “I don’t care,” you have to try your best to convince yourself. Ignore your heart racing and your hands shaking, you simply don’t care right. Also STOP rehearsing what you’re going to say in conversations. What works best for me is saying “I’m going to go over and talk to X now,” and perhaps I’ll choose a topic but I’ll never rehearse how the whole conversation is supposed to go as that’ll only lead to inevitable overthinking.
When I decide to talk to X, it’s obviously nerve-wracking and so I keep on telling myself “I don’t care,” and “It’s not that deep,”. I also give myself a countdown to go up to someone if I’m nervous. I’ll usually count to 10 or whatever if I’m anxious. The trick is to JUST DO IT. and I swear it gets easier over time.
The next way to successfully not care is to put yourself over others.
Instead of thinking, “oh, they probably don’t want to talk to me,” tell yourself “well *I* want to talk to them and so I will”.
Don’t worry if someone is happy to see you or not simply tell yourself you don’t care. Obviously this isnt for all instances, if someone is clearly occupied and seems like the don’t want to talk don’t bother them. And if you’re in a conversation with someone and they seem like they don’t want to talk end it. This tip works for if you’re generally afraid of talking to people in case you’re “bothering them”.
The third tip is PRACTICE. this is literally stressed all the time but it’s because it’s so important. You can’t improve your social skills without putting them to use. The first few times you try this it might be nerve-wracking and awkward but over time you get used to just talking to people without much thought.
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This has been holding me up a lot too. It’s so hard not to care.
My main problem tho, is my self hatred. I reject myself before anyone else, leaving me with zero internal validation. So I seek external validation by trying to act perfect, which ends up with me acting shy and avoiding whatever may sound offending.
I am at a loss of how to overcome this. Sometimes, I simply act and go to the flow with social situations. Other times, I get so consumed with my self hatred that I can’t function. It’s episodic. Despite me knowing how crazy my ideas are, I can’t help but be convinced of what my mind says.
I am already diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But honestly, I think I’m too mentally ill. My head gets so fucked up during these episodes. I start feeling undeserving and pathetic.
Th subtle art of not giving a fuck; it’s a great read
This isn’t new. It is the ability to stop yourself from caring or overthinking that a lot struggle with.
I have the same problem. I’ve gotten way better as I’ve gotten older and I make a lot of friends, men and women. It just takes me so long to warm up to people. I have to work with people months before I feel comfortable around them and that’s only if they’re working in my area. It’s the worst for me when it’s a girl I’m attracted to. I have no problems talking to other girls, but when I like someone I overthink everything and decide it’s best to not say anything.
I kinda gave up on relationships because I always give myself an excuse. I need to work on myself financially first or get to the gym more or whatever. I know I’m at least average because I get one night stands every now and then or sleep with my girl fiends after a night of drinking. But I still can’t seem to talk to a girl I actually want to be with, not unless they are working next to me or something like that. It’s hard to go out of my way to do it.
You’re right though, I just need to focus on something else. I’ve convinced myself I don’t want a relationship after my last one ended badly.. 6 years ago. Still waiting on the right one but I know that will just lead to a solo life. Sometimes I’m ok with that, other times I know I can do better.
is there a TLDR?
Also, I’ve noticed that people react to you HOW YOU EXPECT THEM TO. If you worried about how boring you are and think, “They’re probably going to be bored and hate me,” guess what, they’ll be bored. If you go into it thinking, “They’re going to think I’m a positive, calm person that’s relaxed and enjoying myself,” they will literally feel that way about you.
When you know or believe how they’re going to react, you subconsciously make that happen if you just go with the flow. (Not in an overly confident way or cocky way. You have to have good intentions. They can read when you don’t.)
So I always think that others are going to find me relaxed, chill and a little funny. It works like a charm.
YES!!! Our brains cannot tell the difference between a lie and a truth when we talk/think to ourselves.
Whatever we think, it does its best to make our body feel that way. So, even when you know that you care a lot, repeating that you don’t makes your brain want to make your body feel like you don’t.
It takes repetition, but every time you do it, it gets hardwired even deeper. Until eventually, it’s not a lie anymore it’s just the truth!
I first tried it with something small just to see if it works, and because my social anxiety was so large. I lied to myself that I love water! Honestly, water was so plain and I disliked drinking it. But every time I took a sip, I’d go “mmm hell yeah water” or “wow so refreshing”.
I love water now! And I’ve used it the same as OP, to care less about other’s reactions and more about my genuineness. And it does work. It is amazing
Yes, I’ve noticed something similar going on with me. When I’m sick I am not as anxious since I’m just thinking about my physical discomfort. I also realized that I could mimic this by connecting to emotional pain, which then lowers my anxiety paradoxically.
I literally came to this conclusion today. Life is life. Things happen. If you’re so hemmed up on being a certain person or trying to fit a specific mold, you’re doing yourself more harm than good. Just be you’re damn self and let go of the false narratives you keep trying to sell everybody. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
It’s nice if your business what other people think of you
I find it helps to practice social skills in groups and situations where I’m not too invested in the outcome – it helps me build confidence for situations where the stakes might feel a bit higher, like dating.
Wow… I’m so thankful for you for sharing this. You really REALLY helped me, or at least, confirmed a “hack” I also figured like you.
It’s literally that simple : not to give a fuck.
Sometimes I am so confident and energetic, other times I’m just like a cat who crawls into itself. Like yesterday, I kept thinking million times before talking and then…. I said something that was very off and it would’ve been better had I not spoken.
Anyways thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
I’ve been working on this as well for the past year or so, at least with my closest friends. I can be very quiet and reserved, but I’m trying not to think as much before I say things around them. I honestly feel like we’ve gotten a lot closer. I think it might be like a subconscious trust thing, people recognize you’re comfortable around them when you’re loose, so they’re more comfortable too.
You’ve done such a great job of seeing yourself and adjusting your thinking. You will do great in life!
In psychology, the primary approaches to conquering a phobia is **exposure therapy** and **cognitive behavioral therapy**.
“**Exposure therapy** focuses on changing your response to the object or situation that you fear. Gradual, repeated exposure to the source of your specific phobia and the related thoughts, feelings and sensations may help you learn to manage your anxiety. For example, if you’re afraid of elevators, your therapy may progress from simply thinking about getting into an elevator, to looking at pictures of elevators, to going near an elevator, to stepping into an elevator. Next, you may take a one-floor ride, then ride several floors, and then ride in a crowded elevator.”
“**Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)** involves exposure combined with other techniques to learn ways to view and cope with the feared object or situation differently. You learn alternative beliefs about your fears and bodily sensations and the impact they’ve had on your life. CBT emphasizes learning to develop a sense of mastery and confidence with your thoughts and feelings rather than feeling overwhelmed by them.”
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/specific-phobias/diagnosis-treatment
So it looks like your figuring it out well.
Learning not to care in general has been a great skill I learned
Yes, this is it! For the last 4 years, I have been working on my social skills and hadn’t realized this, and also I have been super shy in terms of talking to women. I literally couldn’t make much progress in all these 4 years.
But recently I started literally telling myself that I don’t care about what any people around me think of me, reason being not narcissism, but the fact that in the end, none of those people are going to be as permanent in your life as will be you yourself, and also that none of them know me enough as compared to how much I know myself/am my own well-wisher.
As said by my therapist : ” If people around you are temporary, people in your office are temporary, tons of people you consider friends are in fact gonna be temporary and even your current social skill level is temporary which means your current state is temporary, then why bother so much about the judgment of other people and let it affect your self-image? “
I highly recommend a YouTube channel called “The Crappy Childhood Fairy.” She talks about CPTSD (complex PTSD) from being raised by dysfunctional parents who didn’t properly support us.
The fake it till you make it/psyching yourself up method can work too, but eventually stop working when you find yourself wearing a lampshade at a party and lying awake for 3 nights straight because it turns out you actually *do* still care what people think.
It’s not really about not caring what others think, it’s about eventually getting to a place where you’re ok with yourself being awkward and uncomfortable sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
OKAY THIS. I will absolutely validate and agree with this tip. Telling myself “i don’t care” was probably the some of the best way to slowly get over my social anxiety. When I talk with someone, I will tell myself in my head over and over that i do not care. I stopped rehearsing most of the conversations I have. I pretend its like a game of improv, I try not to rehearse and instead, I just actually LISTEN. It can be hard, but it got easier over time. I would suggest this to everyone tbh.
Great post!
A great exercise to do as you are entering a social situation is to ask yourself, “Do I see X (the other person?” And then ask yourself again, “Do I really see X” Keep asking yourself until you get that you really see X. And you’ll know because you’ll be a bit oh Yeh, even Yeh, wow, I really see X. And when you are really seeing X, only X will exist for you and the rest of the engagement will be an invitation to X, and engagement with X.