Title. I love my long distance girlfriend (we are yet to meet in person) of 6 months very much and she is basically my only friend as well. Today she bumped into her ex and he wanted them to be friends again. I’m very afraid of her falling for him again. I can’t physically meet her and I feel very bad about them being able to hug when I wasn’t even able to do that with her yet. While her abusive ex said he “just wants to be friends and not interfere with our relationship”, he also tried to win her back in the past numerous times(just weeks and months ago, while he knew that we were together). He also said I’m controlling because I said that I’m uncomfortable with them seeing each other. I’m so lost. I don’t know if I should start distancing myself from her so it doesn’t hurt as much when she leaves me for him. While she said she wouldn’t do that, she also said she was scared of falling for him again. When I questioned her about why she said that, she said that she didn’t mean it. But I’m very much afraid that that’s exactly what’s going to happen. She is not a very strong person sometimes. She blamed her failed relationship with her ex on herself even though he physically abused her and went to prison for it, among other things. She is not always a strong person, and tends to give in to what others ask of her. I was able to guard her against numerous people who tried to assault her during our friendship and relationship. Idk if it’s important, but she cried while telling me that she wants to be friends with her ex again. I talked to her about it all and she still wants to be friends with him. I don’t know what to do. What would you do in my situation? I’ll delete this post at some point just FYI.
11 comments
I’d say the writing is on the wall, mate. Sorry. Her ex is actively trying to win her back and she can’t or won’t limit contact or even guarantee that she won’t end up going back to him. I’d rip off the Band-Aid before you get your heart broken.
if you’re okay and up to it, try to tell her it makes you scared. tell her you’re scared for he. make sure both of you guys are comfortable before you say it. also, tell her that it’s up to her but you think it would be better if she didn’t. you don’t have to follow this im just trying to help! :]
Please realize that you could meet her in person, feel no ‘spark,’ get on each other’s nerves and otherwise lose interest.
My advice is to spend this weekend meeting some new people who might eventually become friends.
You are way to invested in this one person. Personally, I would end this relationship.
Time to go dude, her going back to ‘friends’ with someone actively trying to get back with her is showing you her priority isn’t your relationship. Rip the band-aid now and at least you won’t get cheated on as well
You say “I have a feeling that this is not going to work long term so it’s best that we part ways. Please be careful of your abusive ex and if you need help, remember that there are people out there who can help abused people. Please never contact me again.”
And then block her everywhere.
Some people just have a self destructive bent and there is nothing you can do to save them.
Try structuring it differently to her. You feel uncomfortable because of how he acted in the past and remide her she shouldn’t be treated like that. It seems like she has trouble cutting toxic people out of her life though, that’s a red flag
She’s still [trauma bonded](https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/). She won’t be able to actually manage a new relationship until she breaks that trauma bond and accepts that he cannot be in her life at all because he’s dangerous. Until then, she will always return to him. Her position is sad, but don’t sacrifice your own time, energy, and happiness trying to save her.
~Sincerely, an abuse survivor who’s been there before
How long distance are we talking? Like road trip long or plane ride long? But in all honesty, get a real girlfriend, sounds like you met her online or something and have no means of seeing her regularly. That’s not a relationship that’s worth investing in my man, especially if she’s pretty much falling into her abusive exs arms. Let her live her drama filled life and find a girlfriend you can actually touch.
I have been in this exact situation, turns out the ex probably wasn’t as abusive as she said. She lied the entire time then also told people I abused her after we broke up because she cheated on me.
You know the answer. The fact that she wants to be friends with the ex shows she still has some feelings for him, or just isn’t really mentally right…
If it were me, and I believed everything you wrote, then I would definitely want to separate from her, as she is not the kind of person who is a safe and loyal partner, and would not be a good long term partner.
Try this. Tell her she can be friends with her ex but not with you at the same time. She has to choose between you and him – what will she do? This isn’t controlling, as she is free to make a choice.
Because wanting to be a friend with someone who went to prison because they abused you is not healthy, and it is disrespectful that she is attracted to him and knows this, yet still wants a relationship, despite having an SO. Period. End of Story.
Know your worth. You can’t save people who don’t want to be saved – and she may need professional help to deal with the trauma bond she may have with her ex.
That’s not your girlfriend. Find someone local and stop being a sap