I was at the lunch table with coworkers yesterday including the company boss.
The three of them were sort of having a conversation about a guy from the workplace next door who did a presentation the other day and who is leaving his role soon. My manager who was in the conversation sort of made a joke about not liking him, and they all had a bit of a laugh.
I felt like I was being awkward just sitting there so I decided to chime in, and I ended up just having a bit of a ramble and saying ‘oh yeah when I saw they sent that message to the combined group chat about him leaving I was like oh that’s who [my manager] talks about’.
I don’t know why I said that because my manager has only ever mentioned this guy to me once, and it wasn’t in a way that he was bad-mouthing the guy, more in the sense that that my manager doesn’t think the guy does his job properly.
I looked up when I finished speaking and my manager just ducked his head and everyone else just went awkwardly silent for a few moments before the boss very quickly changed the subject. It was pretty clear I just shouldn’t have said anything at all, and that my boss was quickly diverting the conversation to something else.
I feel like it was just completely inappropriate for me to have tried to contribute to that conversation. And I can’t stop thinking about how awkward it became after I spoke, and how everyone there was probably thinking about how awkward that was of me.
For the rest of the day I couldn’t stop thinking about that moment, and now my manager must now hate me. I also keep thinking that when I have these awkward moments at work, people construct their image of me based on these moments. I’m three months in the role so I feel like people are still forming their impressions of me, and it just feels like I’ve come across as such an awkward mess of a person.
My manager still chatted to me in the afternoon before he left, so I realised he can’t hate me that much. But I still feel shit for that awkward moment and for it happening in front of the boss too. Now, going in to work today, I feel like everyone is going to be remembering my awkward moment yesterday which I know is not true but I can’t shake the feeling.
I guess I just really needed to type out how I’ve been feeling, and hope for some validation from others in this sub because I am filled with some serious self loathing right now.
2 comments
I’ve been suffering with overthinking for my entire life, the way I cope is with something called “mindfulness”.
Try it, maybe it will help you.
i also had a cringe moment too at work that kept me up all weekend and was so upset over it, and reading this post made me relate so much to how youre feeling.
basically, while bantering at work i said that i liked person A’s dog better than person B’s dog, and i said it again the next day even though my intention was to “smooth things over” with person B. its such a minor thing but the way people reacted to what i said both times just really made me feel like shit and i just thought person B hated me forever now.
today i managed to catch person B and apologise and explained i didn’t mean it seriously, and that definitely made me feel much better when they said they weren’t bothered by it (and honestly i wouldn’t be too but i don’t know why everyone reacted so horribly to what i said..?)
anyway im not sure its something you can check with your manager about, but if your manager talked to you i doubt he even remembers the incident. also if he mentioned he didn’t like that person once to you, then he mentioned it many times before and he probably didn’t think you were wrong which is why he must’ve tried changing the topic, as he probably knew that denying wouldn’t go well.