I F(26) started seeing my ex M(30) again after a dramatic break up. We went on a date and hooked up twice. We met up again the next morning and had sex again.
I texted him that I had a lot of fun and he was like me too. He then says “this obviously stays between us right?”
I was like you’re making me feel so slimey. He goes no you took it wrong that’s not what I meant. I was like it makes it seem like you’re doing me a favor and its slimey.
He goes no I just don’t want drama.
How should I communicate my point further?
TL;DR: guy said us hooking up and going on a date stays between us. I feel that’s suspicious and degrading. How do I communicate that?
27 comments
I don’t see how it’s slimy, suspicious, or degrading, so I’m not sure I can help you explain why without understanding myself. It does sound that he isn’t interested in getting back together and you two are friends with benefits. Is that what you want?
Instead of arguing with him about being kept a secret, its better to just move on. Why waste more time on this guy
I are you sure he’s single? Also this is why getting back together with an ex is a bad idea. There’s no good intentions behind “this stays between us”.
Trust your gut, he is hiding you because he’s seeing other women. He backtracked only because you called him out. Don’t communicate just end it; he’s an ex for a reason and he’s telling you plain and clear that this hookup is just sex, not a re-start to your relationship.
1) Don’t crawl back to an ex after a bad breakup. It’s not going to work.
2) He’s hiding you from someone
He wants to keep you a secret so he can see other women behind your back if they don’t know about you. Say that you don’t appreciate being kept a secret and if this is just going to be a hook up and you want a relationship you don’t want to waste your time on someone that it’ll go nowhere with.
You broke up for a *reason*. That reason was that he was not good to have in your life.
This just gives you *another* reason not to have in your life.
Instead of trying to communicate with someone you shouldn’t have in your life, correct the situation by *not having him in your life*.
Do be clear, are your upset by the idea of keeping your relationship secret? Or just by the way that he said it?
What is your point? Are you upset that he wants to just keep it between you two? Why? Are you upset about how he communicated that desire instead? I’m just not sure what the issue is here.
Secret relationships are WAY more drama than ordinary public ones. He wants to have his cake (the girlfriend experience with you) and eat it to (not actually being anyone’s boyfriend and being perceived as single). Pass.
Just for shits and giggles, tell him you’re not keeping anything a secret and don’t plan on it. Watch him disappear.
Exes should remain exes.
Why are you wasting your time on this? Is he the only man in town?
If you’ve only just reconnected and your break-up was dramatic, it could simply be that he doesn’t want to jump the gun on advertising the reconnection until he’s sure where it’s going or it’s worth it.
How about instead of going on the defensive you ask what he means first? If he is saying you misunderstood him maybe you did. Once you know what he meant by it then you can decide how you feel.
He’s boinking someone else, blow up his spot!
Girl, run. I was on again off again with a guy for 2 years who said basically the same thing, and I was young and dumb and went along with it. Turns out his coworkers (who were all my close friends) thought we had broken up the first time and that was the end of it, so they didn’t know to tell me when he started hanging out with another one of his coworkers while we were still hooking up (or whatever he was calling it). It was just an all around gross situation that still makes my blood boil. Find a guy who is proud to tell people you’re together!
Hopefully you learned something.
YTA for going back to him. Have some self respect. There are billions of other men.
“I just don’t want drama” what a gas light-y statement. Like what does that even mean? Does he mean he’s talking to other people and doesn’t want them to know? Because yeah…there would be drama after he was outed for basically cheating? Wtf.
Or does he basically just want you to be his late night hook up or convenience…just the piece at his beck and call and nothing more and is referring to that as “stays between us” to make it clear that you shouldn’t expect public dates or social media pics showing up at friend things together? Cuz then he needs to own to up that instead of trying to be all like “no I’m not an a**hole I just don’t want dRaMa.”
Regardless…why are you lowering yourself to this? If he was into you he obviously wouldn’t have said something like that? He’s interested in sex and thats it. If you want more then have self respect and hit next.
don’t communicate your point further, stop talking to him and stop seeing him.
I ***might*** understand if the point was like…to avoid having each of your respective friends and family members get told that you’re giving things another shot before they have a chance to progress and see where they go. Given it was a dramatic breakup, wanting to keep it somewhat private at first when giving it another try makes sense.
But that’s not what he said or how he said it.
Given that that wasn’t his explanation initially or even when you understandably reacted negatively to it, it sounds much more like he’s looking to keep you secret from another woman he’s seeing/sleeping with. That’s not giving things another try. That’s fucked up, and would mean he’s using you as a hookup, a sidepiece, or stringing you both along til he can choose who to keep seeing, and that’s not at all okay. Fuck that.
Bro if u found his gf’s insta, please tell her what he is doing behind her back, it might save her from that scum as well.
I think you made your point
Please don’t waste your time on someone who treats you like that. He wants to keep you a secret because you’ve become his side piece. You deserve more than that. Make him a permanent ex!
Tell her and never speak to him again. This is the way. Block on everything.
He has another lady! You are his side piece now. OR his parents would not approve of you. He needs to grow a pair. And you need to decide if you wish to be hidden.
It’s understandable that you felt offended by his comment. It’s important to communicate how you feel and why you feel that way. You can try to explain to him that his comment made you feel like he was trying to hide something or ashamed of being with you. You can also tell him that it’s important for you to be with someone who is proud to be with you and not trying to keep things a secret. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation about your expectations and boundaries in the relationship.