Hi all. My husband and I used to live with my in-laws. Back then, she would yell at him and her own husband for the most miniscule of things. For example, she would mother him and he didn’t like it and would say so. She did not like this and would yell at him things like, “I’m your mother! I can tell you what to do! I’m above you!” She also used yo pinch and slap his butt and tell him how cute it was and when he confronted her and set boundaries multiple times she would try to ignore them. It reached a point where he would move away if she got within a foot of him and he never spoke to her. He stopped making conversation with her and tried to leave the house as soon as possible if I wasn’t there. This all made her angry because her own husband would avoid her as well.
We moved out and he had her blocked. I ended up with a medical condition that costs quite a bit to treat so we moved back in. Again, he keeps to himself and does not engage in conversation with her. This is because she doesn’t want her creating any avenue to where she thinks she has a relationship with him and tries to cross his boundaries again. The other day, she saw me leaving with a blanket and later on asked my husband why I wasn’t with him. I was simply returning the comforter. He told her it is none of her business and she started yelling at him that anything that happens under her roof is her business and that he is her son and he is her business, etc. She then starts to scream and rant at him. It doesn’t matter if he tells her to stop, she just continues.
I have always stayed out of it when she is yelling at him because she is vindictive. However, I’m starting to think I should say something. Should I? If so, what? She is extremely vindictive but I think she rants at him because I haven’t said anything so far.
She’s desperate for him to reinistiate the relationship they used to have without holding herself accountable for her many insults and boundary-stomping behaviors. She insults my sisters-in-law behind their backs. She mimicked one of my sisters weight (she said how my SIL has gotten fat, spinned around and pushed her butt out and pointed to it, mimicking weight gain in that area). Her husband is a doormat who would rather my husband take the blame than stand up to her. She also physically abuses him. I say all this to say that she may or may not be even more defensive when I say something to her.
Tl;dr: MIL constantly yells at my husband. I have never interfered because she live with them (again) and I’m worried about her vindictive behavior. I’m considering telling her something like, “Please stop yelling at my husband. Speak calmly otherwise we won’t engage in this conversation.”
14 comments
You can try, but it likley won’t do much. I’m guessing it might just be met with more yelling. The only real solution is to move out.
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Your husband needs to stand up and flat out tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. This isn’t your responsibility.
You’re both 26 and married – you need to get out on your own, it’s well past time.
No, don’t say anything.
Partly because it’s up to your partner to deal with their parents, but also, you *are* living under their roof. The only thing you can do is keep your head down and move out as soon as you can afford to.
I do wonder if this stressful environment is good for your overall health, though (both of you). Wouldn’t it be better to try and rent a room together elsewhere? Would that be in your budget as opposed to a full apartment together? Also, have you looked into all the avenues you might have to get funding while you can’t work / pay to live? What do people do when they don’t have family to fall back on in these situations?
I would take on debt to not be living under her roof. I also wouldn’t be able to see my husband being treated that way, I would definitely confront her. But that’s just who I am, it’s not necessarily the smartest move.
You and he are a family now. It’s kind of like you and him vs the world of sorts. Keep each other close, and have each other’s backs.
I asked my former MIL to reduce how much she hassled him all day. I explained to her that he tries his best to not react to her, out of love and respect for her, but it wears him out to the point that he has nothing kind or patient left to offer his wife at the end of the day, so it would really help me feel more respected if she could consolidate her comments into one request of him per day. My MIL liked me and believed in the sanctity of marriage, so that may be why she was receptive.
If your MIL doesn’t care about your marriage or her relationship with you, then it may not be a fruitful topic to raise
Let’s start with this is verbal abuse and absolutely unacceptable. She’s also physically abusing her husband? Unacceptable. Pinching her son on the butt without his consent and after he has repeatedly told her to stop? Unacceptable. He is a grown adult and does not need to be mothered by him anymore – the fact that she yelled at him I am your mother and better / above you?! Excuse me? Absolutely not. They are our parents yes, but that authority over us ends when we are adults and then it becomes a PRIVILEGE for them to be considered friends or allowed to stay in our lives after we are adults. Your husband and FIL are grown men and should speak up for themselves but have been beaten into submission by your MIL and it can be difficult to speak up for yourself when you are constantly subjected to this abuse and afraid of the repercussions. I would absolutely be looking for anywhere else to go even if it meant taking on debt to get out from this monster-in-laws home. And I would absolutely say something to her, she is disrespecting your husband and you. She sounds like she is a narcissist and may be mentally unbalanced. This is not a healthy environment to stay in. Please get out asap and speak up for everyone there. Yes it’s her house but abuse, even verbal is never okay.
It’s clear that this is just who she is. The most reasonable assumption is that she’s never going to change; as long as he has a relationship with her, the verbal abuse will continue.
While you’re still living there, it will be very difficult to establish boundaries. That complicates things. Obviously moving out is a top priority.
Once you guys are out on your own, you should expect her to continue to be the same way. At that point though, you will both have the independence you’ll need to put up a boundary. “When you yell at me, I hang up and we do not speak until you agree to stop.” You may have to go no-contact.
Gray rocking this woman might actually be the best approach, especially while you have no choice but to live with her. Being his parents, it’s up to your partner to set the boundaries. Have those discussions with him in private- he might have a clear idea of exactly what would happen if he attempted boundaries, or he may be in need of some additional support, like counseling, to help prepare him. He might also have some insight as to whether or not he would appreciate you speaking up, and what potential fallout there may be from that.
I’m sorry you and your partner are going through this OP. Hopefully you can get out ASAP!
No. Stay out of it and support your husband. Inserting yourself in their mess would make it much harder on your husband.
Ask your husband if he wants you to.
It’s his responsibility to deal with his mother, but you need to tell him you don’t like it one little bit. He needs to grow a spine and introduce consequences
Not to be presumptuous, but this sounds like an Asian MIL of some sort.
I would stay out of it if so, she’s never going to take your opinion under consideration, and you’re just going to make things harder for the both of you (you and your husband) because you will be seen as “disrespecting her in her own home”.
What you need to put your time and energy toward is getting out of their house, not trying to start an “unstoppable force vs an immovable object” struggle and endanger the stability of your living situation.
Look up “grey rock techniques”. That’s what’s going to get you through this.