One year ago, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend after she decided that the news of my grandfather dying (edit: who I was very, very close with) wasn’t worth cancelling her Twitch stream for, among various other issues related to emotional neglect.
I got the call after work, so I drove to the house we shared, came into the room where we shared an office setup, told her what was going on, and she said “I’m sorry, but I’m about to stream. You need to leave the room.”
(another edit: to be clear, this was not her source of income, it was a side passion that she did twice a week. no money, just engagement from her online friends).
I’ve told my friend group why I broke up with her, but despite that they still talk to her and hang out with her occasionally, and it’s upsetting ~~triggering for me, for lack of a better word~~. It hurts my feelings that my friends would still talk to someone who hurt me.
I’ve gone to therapy, tried changing up my life, started dating again to move on with my life, but the fact that my close friends still communicate with her seems to impede any progress I’ve tried to make.
On one hand, I want to tell them: “You shouldn’t hang out with her if you care about me,” but that doesn’t feel fair to them. But I also didn’t ask for my ex-girlfriend to treat me the way she did. Those were her choices, and my friends saw the pain I was going through at the time.
On the other hand, I believe that she’s told them a much different story about how it went down (I’ve heard she’s saying I cheated on her), and I can understand how hard that would make it to pick a side, so I do at least appreciate them staying neutral.
What should I do? I want to be fair to my friends, but I also don’t like the idea of someone like her keeping my friends especially after what she did.
**TL;DR — my friend group still hangs out with my shitty ex-girlfriend, and it feels very triggering for me. I’m not sure if it’s my place to say they shouldn’t hang out with her.**
(Edited for clarification, I don’t think I explained it properly, my mistake.)
**–edit 2 (5/26)–**
I’m gonna address some FAQs in the comments:
My friend group and I knew each other BEFORE she came around.
We dated for two years
Two months prior to this incident, I lost my other grandfather on my dad’s side of the family. She didn’t even attend the funeral with me even though she worked from home, and easily could’ve.
A year prior, one of her friends died in a freak accident. I stopped everything I was doing to go see her and hold her while she wept for around an hour. I guess I expected she would do the same for me in a similar moment? My mistake.
Her Twitch streams were NOT a source of income. It was just for fun. That’s why it hurt the way that it did.
38 comments
You’ve outgrown the friend group. It’s time to move on.
INFO: Is her streaming a source of income? How long were you two together? Can you give some more examples of ways that she “neglected” you emotionally?
So was this literally right after your learned of his passing and 20 mins before her stream started?
Because if it is, then I understand why you would end it.
Unfortunately, you can’t expect your friends to end their friendship with her.
And if you think she lied when she told her version of the breakup, then you need to share what really happened with your friends.
You can only control yourself. Your actions. The things you say.
Also, maybe this is an opportunity to broaden your circle of friends.
Edit: Grammatical errors
I think you need to work on your emotional distance here. Wanting to not be around her yourself, and *maybe* not wanting to hear about her could be healthy boundaries, but expecting people to cut her off because she hurt you is not really reasonable or healthy, and it’s actually showing a lack of proper boundaries on your end. Boundaries fundamentally are about understanding what is you and not you, what is properly your business and what is not. Part of that means recognizing that others will not share identical views with you on issues, people, situations. They could agree with you that this was a messed up thing to do, but still not see that one incident as the totality of her character and value.
If it’s really affecting your ability connect with your friends, I would actually consider focusing on expanding your friend group. You might talk to your closest friends about your feelings, but also work on appreciating that the situation is far more nuanced for them than it is for you.
You need too understand your pain isn’t thier pain. It’s really that simple. They weren’t dating they don’t have the same expectations of emotional intimacy. You don’t get to control who your friends are friends with. You can control if you will be there if she’s invited but you can’t expect them to untangle her from thier lives because you did.
>I’ve gone to therapy,
I suggest you go back if this is such a major sticking point. And maybe change therapists cause a good one should help you understand the above and help you work through that process.
What exactly do you consider “hanging out” ? Is she a mutual friend of friends so it’s a package deal sometimes? Did you introduce her to them?
Asking people to choose sides rarely goes the way you want it to. I had a friend who recently broke up with his gf, and told me that he doesn’t want me talking to her anymore because if it hadn’t been for him, I never would’ve met her. “I’m not giving you an ultimatum, but…” He absolutely was, and I talk to her now more than I talk to him.
IMO, you have 2 options-
1- find a new friend group
2- vocalize to your friend group that you understand they have zero obligation to stop being friends with her, but that you do not want to hear anything about her, have them tell her anything about you, or be anywhere she will be. So if someone is throwing a party, they will have to decide who to invite. If it’s her, that’s fine and you’ll have to accept it.
Set a boundary and stick to it. If someone brings her up, politely remind them that the break up is still affecting you, and that you do not want to hear anything about her. If they step over your boundaries, remove yourself from the situation.
Yeah. You are not being fair on them. Make your choice: get over her, and concentrate on your friendships. Or change your friendships.
That’s all you got.
I think you’re having more trouble getting over this because you’re seeing the situation in black and white.
You’re looking at her like a shit person. A villain.
You can also look at it from this perspective. She was 23. In a highly intense emotional moment for you, she made a bad decision. A really bad decision. People don’t always react to grief or high stakes moments in the right way. And if there was more emotional neglect in the relationship – maybe that means she wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time? Maybe it’s a good thing she showed you her true colors so you could get away from someone like that?
I’m not saying you should forgive her or anything like that. But expecting your friends to cut her off is too extreme based on her actions. Her actions don’t sound great but you’re just not going to find many people that would agree that these are unforgivable.
Blaming your friends for your lack of progress isn’t fair. If you want to tell them not to talk about her, i think that’s totally cool. They should respect that. Anything else – you need to own that to truly move on.
> and it’s triggering for me, for lack of a better word.
I just want to point out that there are many better words you could have used here rather than further cheapening that one, which continues to lose value as people continue to use it in situations like this one. And I know you could have used a better word because you did so immediately afterward:
> It hurts my feelings
Just say this. Don’t say something “triggered” you as if you have PTSD or another serious mental health condition. Now, onto the actual advice…
I think you’re using your friends as an excuse to still be hung up on your ex. She wasn’t a good partner to you, and that sucks, but nothing she did here was immoral or irredeemable or beyond the pale. She just wasn’t supportive when you needed her.
Your friends aren’t in a romantic relationship with her. They don’t need that kind of support from her. She didn’t do anything to hurt them. So it makes perfect sense that they might understand why you broke up with her and agree that she acted coldly towards you, while still being comfortable with her friendship. Their relationship to her exists in a totally different context than yours did.
This really sounds more like you want to hurt your ex. You want her to lose friends because you don’t like her. Because if your friends hang out with her, that doesn’t actually have any impact on *your* life whatsoever. If they cut her out of their lives it wouldn’t actually change anything for *you* at all. You just want her to suffer like you did.
Ultimately, and I know you really don’t want to hear this, what she did just *isn’t that bad*. Don’t get me wrong, it’s understandable why you would break up with her, and it’s perfectly valid to want a partner who is there for you in a way she just wasn’t. But she didn’t do any active harm to you or anyone else. She didn’t cheat on you, she wasn’t abusive, she just wasn’t a very good girlfriend. And that’s simply not enough of an offense for anyone else to cut her out of their lives.
>my friend group still hangs out with my shitty ex-girlfriend
It sounds like you’re not properly over her.
If you find it that disrespectful, focus on what you can control: find new friends, get a healthy mindset, move on through pursuing others.
Sounds like she’s not a very caring girlfriend which is why you ended it. Now that’s it’s over you need to realize you don’t control other people. They have the full right to still be her friend too. Emotionally she was a terrible match for you. It probably went both ways.
You need to realize it’s over, you can’t control other people and let it go. Find peace in knowing that she’s not your girlfriend anymore and have the maturity to be civil.
Was she part of the friend group before you all dated? If so, I understand them not cutting her off just because she failed to be supportive in a time of grief. You’re totally justified in breaking up over that but I don’t see how that would warrant a larger shunning by a pre-established friend group.
If she only knows them through you, then I think this is more wrong. It’s poor form to hang out with your ex’s friends like that post break up and poor form for your friends to keep your ex around like that. If they think it’s perfectly fine, I wouldn’t introduce new SOs to this group anymore.
Make more friends so that what these friends are doing doesn’t impact you as much.
1. Use this as an opportunity to grow thru your alone time.
2. Make more friends completely unrelated to this social group.
3. Keep trying to date other people.
4. Join a club, a group based on a shared hobby.
5. Take space from anyone who communicates with your ex-girlfriend. Eventually your friends may notice & ask what’s up & then you can tell. “Honestly, that you guys have chosen to remain friends with my ex has hurt me & I’ve been processing that.” It’s not a demand or controlling but it’s the truth. You can’t change how you feel & if they try to, then they’re NOT your friends.
This is what exactly happened to my bf and his ex. I want to distance myself to that friendgroup for that reason. But my bf is still friends with these people. He deserves people who care about his feelings more tbh
It’s wild how similar our situations are. I’m 27f and I broke up with my boyfriend 27m, because when my grandma died, he decided to go play music and jam with his twin brother rather than comfort me and be there for me. Didn’t even come to bed that night, fell asleep on the couch. I broke up with him 2 days later and moved out. It’s been about 2 years now, but I still have family and friends that keep in touch with him and are closer than I’d like. Specifically my own mom, who adored him, and sent him cookies just a couple months ago “just cause.” I still see her comment on all his social media stuff related to his music, and that still feels like a slap in my face even 2 years later.
I don’t have any advice on how to make it easier, you can try talking with them and vocalizing how it does frustrate you a little seeing them remain so close with her considering she hurt your feelings to such an extreme. But be prepared for them to think you’re in the wrong for making them choose a side. Honestly sounds like you’re doing everything right from your end, maybe you need to look into distancing a little from said friends and making new ones. For me it did feel good closing that chapter and starting a new one with new people.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a frustrating situation, I feel exactly where you’re coming from oddly enough. It’s tough to put into words without sounding petty or immature. Because being civil and amicable is always mature and the path people want to take, but there’s of course a part of you that wants them to take your side and shun her without you having to ask for it. Keep moving forward pal, it really is just a time thing.
My friends opted to not mediate anything between myself and my ex. After getting dumped I sincerely wanted to remain friends with her. She doesn’t have any of her own. I was really hurting and I made her know that. She, however, paid zero attention to me. Happy at the time with her new dude. Hah. See her maybe a couple times over the next year and try to play nice.
She decides she’s had enough literal abuse from her next guy. So she gets with the main buddy I was hanging with. Great. Ignores my feelings entirely. Plays like her and I never happened. All of those “I love yous” and “you’re my best friend” and everything else she had said. Everything we did. The better part of a decade I felt and still feel I lost to her was not worth mentioning.
She shoehorned herself back into my clique. I again wanted to stay friends but with fading pain now freshened I was having a bad time. She wouldn’t talk to me about it. I told friends that they needed to suggest she does. Nope, they stayed neutral. I was going crazy and no one backed me up at all.
So I don’t have those friends anymore. I lost a good dozen friends. Self preservation demanded I cut contact with any chance I would ever see her again. Oh well.
It’s understandable that you feel hurt and frustrated that your friends are still hanging out with your ex-girlfriend, especially after the way she treated you. It’s important to remember that your friends are not responsible for your ex-girlfriend’s behavior and that they may not know the full extent of what happened between you two. You could consider having an honest conversation with your friends about how their continued friendship with your ex-girlfriend is affecting you, but it’s important to approach the conversation in a calm and non-confrontational way. You could say something like, “I know that you guys are still friends with my ex-girlfriend, but it’s been really difficult for me to move on from what happened between us. I’m not asking you to stop being friends with her, but I wanted to let you know how it makes me feel.” Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what you’re comfortable with and what you need in order to heal and move forward.
You are being too selfish here. She didn’t chest on you, and if she is serious about her twitch stream, you have a right to be upset but that was your choice to break up. She didn’t betray you or cheat. This is a case of your expectations not being met. But you can not expect your mutual friends to have those same expectations, and it is selfish of you to think they should. Most friends just do not want to be drug into the drama.
I had the same experience with my own 2 best buds. We all hung out with my gf and her friends as a group. I introduced my friends to my gf and her friends but they had seen her around for years at school. About a year out of hs we break up. But my good friends still hang out with her on weekends and all of it like it was all a group just now without me because I don’t wanna hang out with my ex and her friends. My friends were okay with it. We’re about 19-20yrs old. I spoke up to them about it after about 2 months and they basically said well they’re our friends too and they don’t wanna choose sides. But by hanging out with them they did choose a side in my head. Me and those 2 friends and all those people haven’t been the same since. That was about 8 years ago. I occasionally like their fb post but I moved on and I’m happy I did I got closer with my cousins and family who will always be here for me.
OP here.
I appreciate everyone’s comments, even if I disagree with your take. I’m just gonna express my feelings to my friends, and just leave it at that. I’m not going to make anyone choose, but I do think it’s important for them to know how it makes me feel.
On the chance that my ex finds this, as she’s often on these types of subreddits, I hope you’re doing okay, but please don’t try and badmouth me to my friends. Thank you!
So, my ex wife emotionally abused me. You can find how up and down I’ve been in my history. Thing is, before I realized I was manipulated, she already talked to our mutual friends and got her story out first. And to my dismay, even though I have written proof my ex lied about me, out mutual friends still gravitated to her, questioning whether I needed to expose her lies. Guess what, those people aren’t mutual friends of mine anymore. And I knew these people 16 years before I met my now ex wife. That’s how I dealt with it.
I’m sorry about your grandfather. Your gf’s actions were extremely insensitive, and I can understand why you broke up with her.
However, you seem to be creating a lot of unnecessary baggage for yourself. How exactly does your friends hanging out with her “impede any progress that you’ve made” and how is that “triggering”? She did something insensitive and shitty, but she did it to *you* on a particular day under particular circumstances. If all of us were judged by everyone by the worst choice we ever made, nobody would have any friends.
It’s been a year, you have been grieving for your grandfather and your relationship. If your friends are not there to help you with that process, you need better friends. But that’s far different from asking them to “pick a side”, and if you do that you might not like the result.
Just find new friends then. Don’t explain anything. Just move on and move forward if it’s bothering you that much. So many people in the world. Ima here if you really wanted to you can find an entirely new group.
Sound like you need a better therapist. You can’t force people to do what you want. You broke up with her, she did not break up with them.
I’m very sorry about your grandfather 🙏
You were not in the wrong asking her for support. She just as easy could have offered compromise such as please give me 10min to go live and let them know I can’t do the live today. She could give a possible day/time she could go live to make up the missed live stream (if that was even necessary 🙄).
As far as the friend group goes – while they can choose to still do things with her sure. However, it is very disrespectful that they talk about it around you. There’s no need at all to be telling you about all the things they do. That alone makes them sound like crap friends.
If she told them lies about the break up and they just took her word as gospel, those aren’t the best qualities for friends to have either. More so if these are friends you’ve had for awhile and who should know what your moral compass is like. (Taking into account that cheating isn’t something you’re known for of course.)
I’d agree with the previous comments about trying to meet new people for friendship that have no connection to this ex.
Same thing happened to me. Continued to hang out with ex and the new girl despite me telling the truth how he cheated and ghosted me after two years.
Now those so called friends have come around saying I was right and the truth came out
Your friends picked a side, and it’s not neutral. I’m sorry.
Keep them around, if it brings you joy, but also start branching out soon to new friendships because you’re going to realize you outgrew them a long time ago.
And it’s easier to move on from that with new friends than it is with no friends.
You could start off small, not reaching out as much. See who reaches out instead.
I understand that you must be hurting, and it’s totally understandable, but in my opinion, this is on you to deal with internally.
Most people are, in some way or another, the villains in someone else’s tale. She hurt you, not them. It’s not on her parents to disown her, her job to fire her, or her land lord to kick her out. The issues between the two of you have nothing to do with them. Likewise, her friends (whether shared with you or not) have no reason to cut her out of their lives. They don’t know what the objective truth is and they never will. They also don’t need to concern themselves with that. What they know of her, through their own experience, quite clearly isn’t enough to make them turn their back on her.
If we all went around removing people from our lives because they once did harm to someone else, none of us would have any friends. Life is complicated. If I was one of your friends and I saw her act as you describe, I may choose not to have anything to do with her, but that’s because I hold myself responsible for the company I keep and the pain that those people may cause me, but it certainly wouldn’t be out of duty to a third party (you).
Your friends haven’t hurt you. She did. Remember that. Their relationship with her is none of your business. I mean that kindly. If she’s all that bad, she’ll burn them sooner or later. When that happens, don’t gloat and give them the “I told you so”. Have some empathy and remember that you were both fooled and hurt by the same person.
I don’t know why there is any debate here on whether or not the reason you broke up with her is good enough. Even if your reason for breaking up with someone is “I don’t like the shoes they wear,” that’s okay. You shouldn’t have to be in a relationship you don’t want to be in, no matter what that reason is. Of course, your reason is much more impactful than the example. Your long-term partner wasn’t there in your time of need AT ALL and blatantly prioritized a hobby (easily cancellable) over you. I stream as my job and I wouldn’t even think of not cancelling if anyone close to me was going through something like that.
You’re coming here saying you’re hurt hearing about her from your friends, and that is valid. It doesn’t mean they have to stop being friends with her, but it’s still super valid and understandable. I just wanted to tell you that everything you’re feeling is valid, and please don’t listen to the silly comments saying things about you not being able to see a different perspective. I think you came here to do exactly that.
From the perspective of your friends nothing big changed. You two were in a relationship, now you aren’t.
As an outsider, they’ll be asking why they should change their stance towards her. Between her and them, nothing changed at all, even though *your* whole world changed.
I think, and I mean this in the most compassionate way possible, that they just don’t find your breakup a big deal, whilst obviously for you it is. But in other peoples life, we are just side characters, and what is meaningful to us is meaningless to others, as much as it hurts sometimes.
What you might try is either see her as a normal friend – those might not end a stream for you – or try to expand your cycle of friends to people that do not know her. Or both, you’ll know best.
You do not own your friends, nor can dictate who they are friends with. Grow, be an adult.
Your ex girl friend’s life is none of your concern, you broke up with her. If your friends want to hang out with her, that’s their choice. Everyone has their own life to live. I’m sorry you didn’t get the response you wanted from your girl friend and friends when your grandfather died. If your expectation in your life is that people will drop everything for you at any moment when your life is difficult, think again. There is no guarantee. Manage your expectations so you are not disappointed. Our expectations should be to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I hope you recover. Everyone needs at least one bestie friend in their life to smooth out the ups and downs. I wish you the best.
It seems that you’re still hurting, and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. However, I don’t think it’s fair for you to ask your friends to stop hanging out with your ex.
What you can control is your actions and reaction. Why not focus on that instead?
You said it yourself, your friends are not taking sides, they’re neutral, and that’s good. Are they telling you to hang out together with your ex? If they are, just tell them you’re not comfortable with that and schedule a different hang out session with them. If they keep mentioning your ex, just tell them you’re still hurting and that you’d appreciate if they stop mentioning anything about her.
If they see more of your ex than you, then leave it be. If they want to hang out with you they’ll make time for you. Don’t push it if they don’t, hang out with other people in the meantime, and if they come around then that’s great.
No it would not be appropriate to tell them to stop hanging out with her. Yes, emotionally she wasn’t a great girlfriend but that doesn’t mean she isn’t providing what a friend should provide in her other relationships. Granted maybe I’m misunderstanding your story. You keep using the word trigger here but I don’t understand why that word is being used.
Anyways, that being said I think it’s a reasonable boundary to request her not to be invited to the same hangouts as you.
> I’m not sure if it’s my place to say they shouldn’t hang out with her.
Sorry, but it’s not. And maybe it’s time to branch out and find a new friend group. It sucks but they aren’t obligated to dump her just because you did.
> On the other hand, I believe that she’s told them a much different story about how it went down (I’ve heard she’s saying I cheated on her),
Ask them? Talk to them?
> I want to tell them: “You shouldn’t hang out with her if you care about me,” but that doesn’t feel fair to them.
It’s not. In the end, it’s not up to you if they stay friends with her, however resentful you are of your ex. And the “if you care about me” is kinda manipulative. Do not recommend.