How are people so optimistic about relationships?

24 comments

1. Slow down a little there. Agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship after 3 weeks of dating doesn’t just jump to being married with kids. It sounds like there are some commitment fears but that’s normal. What’s not normal is letting those fears spiral out of control to where you start making up excuses in your head for why a relationship will fail. If the relationship is working, going exclusive is a logical next step- see how it goes and don’t be afraid to communicate your concerns to your partner. Enjoy each others company and have fun together. Then down the road you both can decide where to go next.

2. In general, I’m quite an optimistic person. I’ve had many people tell me they assume I’m being naive or looking at life through rose-colored glasses when I express optimism about certain things. But its not that I just think things are magically going to be great. Its that I think things are worth the effort to be great…this guy probably *does* understand that partnership and kids and all of that are hard work, and will be filled with hard times, and won’t always be fun. But he also may think it is going to be worth all of it overall…

   Also, being exclusive now doesn’t mean marriage! He may still be feeling all good vibes and giddiness because its still a brand new relationship that he’s seeing where it goes. Its good to not assume its going to end in October or whatever…

3. I think some anxiety in the face of any major life change is normal. Think about starting a new job or moving… humans are creatures of habit. Change is scary! But that doesn’t make it bad.

   I also think some anxiety in the face of a new relationship is normal. Building a relationship requires vulnerability. You have to let go of complete control; you have to trust someone else; you have to share of yourself… scary stuff! Fortunately, it doesn’t all have to happen at once. He’s (presumably) not moving in tomorrow. You don’t have to blow up your whole life overnight – and in fact, you’re better off easing in. Stay true to yourself even as you start to incorporate him into your life and develop a “we” together.

   Finally, know that it’s ok to be excited… people (you) don’t want to get their (your) hopes up – but – yes, relationships take work – *and* relationships offer fun, love, security, and support. It’s ok to enjoy the good things! I think in the early stages of dating my boyfriend, I spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop… it was too easy, he was too right for me…. and I had to consciously (sometimes literally, out loud) say to myself, “worrying about this is a defense mechanism. I am allowed to enjoy this and be happy.”

   This may not be forever, but it’s ok to live in the moment and enjoy what you have… kind of the perfect approach for the first few months, really.

4. I personally use unfettered relentless optimism and/or toxic positivity as a coping mechanism for soul crushing depression and anxiety. If I pretend REAL HARD that I’m optimistic, I actually become somewhat optimistic, and it helps, a lot. Of course when things go real bad, like being stood up on a first date, or dumped for no actual reason, the crash is real bad, but thems the breaks.

   Mental illness is great isn’t it?

5. You’re mentally moving 100MPH. Slow down. Enjoy this time with this guy for what it is. Don’t stress about the work of having a lifetime partnership, the work of marriage, how hard it is raising kids, etc. with a man you’ve only known and have been dating for THREE weeks. You are so excited about this guy you’re going into overdrive panicking about a future with a man you barely spent any time with. This envisioning the future with him stuff will break you in half if it doesn’t’ work out, which realistically it may not because again, it’s been three weeks. You are in the very very early days.

6. I just did something similar – panicked and ended things. It’s the first time I’ve done something like that and I definitely regret it.

   But, it’s also an indicator to me that maybe I’m not ready for a long-term relationship even though I thought I was. I still feel like I have more personal growth to do (so I’m not the type of person who has an anxiety spiral, panics and ends things), and I really am enjoying the perks of being single.

   I was hoping to take things slowly but as soon as he mentioned wanting me to meet his family, I freaked out (internally.) We had been dating about 2 months.

   My biggest regret was not *talking to him* about what was making me anxious before pulling the plug. Usually I’m HUGE on communication. There were definitely other factors at play, both inside that relationship and out of it that led to me responding more irrationally than I usually would.

   So my advice from someone who’s been in a similar position recently – talk to him about *some* of it. Sharing your whole anxiety spiral might be overwhelming to him/unnecessary. But as an example mention to him that you’ve noticed a lot of people don’t seem to realize how much work a long-term relationship takes. Ask him his thoughts on that. Ask him what kind of challenges have come up in his past relationships, how he handled them, what he learned from them. Share some of what you’ve learned etc.

   I was definitely guilty of the thought distortion “mind reading” which might be something you’re doing too. Although he seems excited, there’s really no way to know exactly what he’s thinking. Maybe he’s anxious too!

7. take it day by day, truly. If you feel good today, then let tomorrow happen, and don’t get upset about how you feel tomorrow until you are actually *at* tomorrow.

   It sounds like you’re already leaping forward 10 years in your mind and getting upset he’s not future freaking like you are.

   you have no basis right now for assuming that he doesn’t understand that it’s hard to raise kids just because he’s excited to be dating you after the first *3 weeks* lol.

8. Getting everything you want us scary as hell. Change of any kind, even if it’s exciting and amazing is going to also be scary and nerve wrecking. You can be moving into the house of your dreams, and it’ll be stressful as hell. You can get the best job in the world, because someone believed in you and saw you as capable and worthy, only doubt yourself so much, you’ll end up overwhelmed and burnt out. Getting what you want is just as scary as not getting what you want, only when you don’t get it, and let the voice in your head that tells you you’re not worthy, or less then, or not enough, you revert back to what you already know. Which is familiar and easy, even if it’s not what you want. The reward can be amazing, but so is the anxiety it can bring.

   I have a realistic view of relationships that is based on my experience, and on reality. I am happy because I have built an amazing life for myself. It has nothing to do with being with someone. No one can make me happy.

   I love my job, my art projects, I look amazing, I have no mental health struggles and my coping mechanisms when things don’t go my way are healthy. I am truly and genuinely GOOD by myself. I also love being in relationships because I enjoy that dynamic. I enjoy taking care of people, I enjoy giving, I enjoy the ‘togetherness’ and I enjoy tue endless possibilities that come with sharing your life with someone. I also know issues will arise, and it’s fine. I’m not scared of conflict and I’m not scared of heartbreak or rejection. I can do my best. As long as the person I’m with has a similar outlook, my relationships are amazing. If they don’t, we break up and I’ll go back to dating. Simple.

   People assume that if you make the optimal decision you won’t have any regrets. You’ll always have regrets. They’re built into the fabric of life. By making a decision, you’re closing a loop that could have led you somewhere totally different. I know that for me, even though I love my life, and I’ll miss so many of the beautiful things I am fee to do as a single childless person, I won’t be able to live with the regret of not trying to have a family, and a lasting relationship. I try to build my life not only based on the choices I want to make, but also based on which regrets I won’t be able to live with. I can live with the regret of not having ice cream so I can have the body I want. Being fit and healthy is the right choice for me, bit there’s still loss of pleasure in all the ice cream I choose not to eat, which is fine. Some regrets I can live with, some I can’t. Relationships are hard, and easy, and beautiful, and awkward, and complex, and I can’t bare the thought of being too scared to put myself out there, knowing how great my reward can be.

9. Going exclusive after 3 weeks of dating is pretty impulsive on both of you, even if everything seems to be a perfect match. Assuming you both didn’t know each other completely prior to dating. If there was previous interaction in the past then it’s somewhat reasonable.

   Nothing wrong with rescinding your exclusivity with him if you have all these “what ifs” scenarios in your head. It would be unfair for him if you cannot be present and reciprocate his efforts in being exclusive with you.

   All the concerns and fears are all in the future in your head space and plenty of pessimistic assumptions from what you have listed.

   For example, “Do they understand how much work and trouble goes into having a lifetime partnership?” After only 3 weeks of dating you decided to have the exclusivity talk then you questioning his ability to maintain a lifetime partnership. Like some other comments here, it might not even work at all like the way you might think.

   Expecting something bad to happen because you’re seeing the “what ifs” of your future scenarios is called anticipatory grief, and it can ruin a good potential relationship. your behaviors eventually will show that you’re not ready to put in the same energy to the relationship and he will either address it directly to you, ghost you, or just plain break up with you.

   If you still enjoying the single life that much then own up to it and stay single. Don’t give the guy a false hope when you still struggling to find out what you really want or if you even ready to commit to exclusivity. There’s always ENM option if he’s in to that. Not sure what your dating history like prior to your 4 years of singleness, but if there’s past trauma/learned behaviors you had from it, it’s best to let him go and work on yourself first.

10. Do the guy a favor and let him go. You clearly are not ready to be in relationship. If you see nothing that makes you excited in being in relationship with someone, you both gonna suffer. Until you wish to have all those things you wrote, you shouldnt date anyone. Hes excited to be with you and you dont want it… and yes he is most likely aware what relationship brings and all the jazz that comes with it

11. Hi, I think sometimes we get scared to embrace something that feels “too good to be true” as a self protection measure. We don’t want to lean fully into the happiness/joy because we are scared it won’t last. I am a huge advocate for therapy, EMDR, and doing self work to try and heal any past traumas. This helps us figure out our behaviors and figure out what we really want. Good luck with everything. 🙂

12. Just remember that you csn break up at any time. Even though you are increasing your commitment, the relationship is still new. But suddenly you have something to lose, so you are feeling vulnerable

13. I was not really looking for a relationship but I (34F) started seeing someone (31M) just for fun 4 months ago.
    I fell madly in love once I allowed myself to do so, he developed deep feelings, and we both are scared like hell.
    He is scared of commitment (not because he wants to see multiple women, but because of the responsabilities and accountability that comes with it), I am scared because I see how big my feelings are.

    So we just take it one day at a time for now, having more fun every time, opening up more and more, taking little steps.

    I want it, he wants it, but it scares us so we follow our own pace. Just do the same and enjoy your new relationship day after day!

14. People are afraid because they get ahead of themselves. The anxiety is worse than the event.

    All relationships are played by ear. They are not static things, they are connections between two living changing being so in that sense the relationship also lives and changes.

    Take it one day at a time. As long as it’s satisfying and you aren’t being wounded, keep doing it and you are always free to make new decisions as things change.

    Idk why people fear this so much. Why do people fear breaking up soooooo much? It’s not my favorite thing to do, but it’s silly to avoid something potentially rewarding just because I’m afraid it will end.

    I mean, that is life. Got news for y’all….we fucking die at the end. All of us. Every one. We die at the end of this ride. So let go a little bit and have fun

15. You can hold off for a few more months, but I think its fair ti give a timeline.

16. I wouldn’t wait too long to have children, 35 years old is a high risk pregnancy.

17. “Work and trouble?” Relationships certainly require effort, and periods of highs and lows, but I wouldn’t describe my relationship as “trouble.” Maybe he has had healthy relationships modeled for him and/or has had LTRs under his belt. IME men coming out of LTRs/marriages tend to be able to weather the highs and lows of relationships much better, because they’ve experienced it before.

18. Damn 3 weeks? I’ve got food in my fridge longer than this. Pump the breaks. Also just enjoy it. The honeymoon phase will wear off eventually. No need to usher it along.

19. >But now I am also questioning if this guy has a realistic view of relationships

    You’re projecting.

20. Goes to show the extent to which folks self sabotage their own happiness.

    You my dear need to do a lot of introspection and/or therapy.

21. The fact is that he simply asked you not to date other people so you two can get closer. That’s all it is, and it’s a good thing

22. > we had the exclusivity talk last night
    >
    >I am afraid I will jump out of this situationship

    ..and everything else in this post: Honey, you need to decide what you want.

23. Don’t think about the future, just enjoy things in the present, and things will slowly start revealing themselves.

24. Yes! In the same boat as you. I think some of it comes from witnessing a unhealthy and unhappy marriage growing up.