My girlfriend (19F) and I (18m) have been dating for a year, we’re both eachothers first real relationships and we lost our virginity to eachother. I gave her head about three months into the relationship and will happily do so multiple times a week and have been since. Our sex is great and often and both of us finish almost everytime but she won’t go down on me and I think I’m starting to envy or resent her. It just feels so unfair that she is so willing to receive and shes not even willing to go down on me no matter how many times I’ve asked. I’ve told her how I felt and she just keeps saying eventually, it’s been 8 months since eventually. She’s never done it before and won’t give me a good reason as to why she won’t try. I’ve been very understanding in the past and we’ve had good conversations about it and I’ve told her everything and she hasn’t even tried making an effort until I essentially sent her an essay on how I feel like this relationship is one sided and she finally 2 weeks ago gave me a handjob for the first time. She now loves handjobs and wants to give me them constantly sometimes too much but she still refuses to even try head and I think I’m starting to get resentful because I’ve tried talking to her about it three times this past week and these times I wasn’t as understanding and I feel like I did more damage and was borderline pressuring her to do it instead of just telling her how I feel. Has anyone else experienced this or has any advice? I know she wasn’t abused or had a bad experience in the past. I just don’t know how to approach this.
Edit- thank you for all the comments and advice some things I want to clarify.
1. I am very diligent about cleaning and my girlfriend prefers trimmed not fully shaved although I have tried it.
2. I do understand that “I don’t want to” is a valid reason and I agree that consent is extremely important which is why I feel badly that I think I’m starting to pressure her. What I was trying to say was it’s very frustrating when I don’t get a reason as to why she doesn’t want to as that would help me understand.
3. I’m not expecting head all the time I just want to know what it’s like and expand our sex life.
4. I also feel like I need to clarify her answer is always eventually when we talk about it it’s “I don’t want to” in the moment
I think I am just going to be patient and give it some more time I appreciate all the response and this is not something I’m willing to break up with her over, she’s an amazing person and other than this one thing and sometimes communication, this relationship is essentially perfect for me.
Update – So she talked to me and said she’s been thinking about it but she still needs time. I asked her why she doesn’t want to and her answer didn’t really resolve anything as she said she does want to give me head but she doesn’t want to do it? Which kind of made sense to me. I asked if there was anything I can do to make it easier or to make her more comfortable and she said “no, I know once I do it I’ll be fine” so I don’t really know where to go from here. I think just waiting for her to be comfortable is the best option.
Thank you all for your responses alot of you really helped. I am going to just let her take her time and go slowly.
35 comments
She probably doesn’t like giving head or thinks it’s gross. You can’t really change that.
A good reason is “I don’t want to”. It sucks, but if it’s a deal breaker then break up, can’t force her to do something she doesn’t want to do.
Stop asking.
Create an emotionally safe environment, and if she wants to, she will.
All in all, you’re young, not every partner you’re going to have will be up for doing any specific given thing. That’s why there are hookups.
Sounds like it’s time for a new gf.
Sexual mismatch happens often. But if you’re not getting what you want it’s time to leave. Trying to talk her into it isn’t right so it only leaves you one option.
It could be that she’s insecure about how good she’ll be, and worry that she will do it wrong, so perhaps asking if that’s the case and reassuring her might help. But, as others have said, it could just be that she doesn’t want to, in which case, it’s a sexual incompatibility, and you might consider breaking up.
It might shock you to know, but there are women out there who *love* to suck cock, and would never need convincing, if you break up, I would suggest go looking for one of those women. You’re young, so you have that option
I agree with the advice to stop asking. Getting a BJ after pestering her won’t feel good anyway, you want it to be her idea. She knows you want it, so unless you’re willing to break up over it, the ball is in her court.
When I was her age I remember feeling like BJs were a slutty and pornographic and degrading thing to do. So I wonder if theres something like that going on or if she just doesn’t want to do it. People at your age usually dont have great communication skills so there could be something she’s not telling you.
Respect her limits and stop pestering.
“No” doesn’t need further explanation or reason.
She might be insecure about it, inexperienced? Or maybe she just doesn’t like it… or maybe there’s something about you. There could be many reasons. There are many women who don’t and won’t give head. It’s just not something they like or feel comfortable with, and you have to respect that. I didn’t enjoy doing it when I was younger, but I still did it just to please the guy. Now that I’m older, more experienced, and committed to someone I deeply love – I enjoy it as much as he does and do it for him often!
All you can do is gently express to her your true feelings…and if she can’t try it for you, and it’s a deal breaker for you – then that’s your answer.
Stop going down on her if it’s bothering you. Also could find a new girlfriend. You’re young, you’ll be fine.
I can understand the frustration. But never pressure her, worse than not doing it would be to do it unwillingly.
Have a real talk with her, open some doors about why she won’t do it, is it fear ? Disgust ? Insecurities ? Either she gives you a straight answer on why she won’t go down on you and you can both work from there or you can leave. Or she tells you “eventually” again and you can leave.
Plenty of women enjoy giving BJs. If she’s not reciprocating your oral efforts, someone else will with plenty of enthusiasm. Respect her decision, “I don’t want to” is a perfectly fine reason for her to not go down on you but you shouldn’t feel like you have to stay with her. Break up with her if you feel like you are not sexually compatible.
Since you were both virgins not too long ago, maybe she just needs some time to get comfortable with the idea. Maybe you can clean and shave down there, set up an inviting atmosphere where she would be comfortable to try it at her own pace and can stop at any time if it’s not for her. But under no circumstances should she be pushed into it. Communication, respect, boundaries.
Edit: just want to add, if you do break up with her – do not tell her it’s because of the lack of BJs. She might feel coerced into it like it’s an ultimatum, or it might make her self conscious about it in future relationships. Don’t do that to her.
My ex was exactly the same, some people simply don’t like giving head, and that’s totally fair enough
Be sure that you’re clean, first. Lots of dudes don’t clean under the foreskin or wash their ass…you can smell ALL of that when you’re down there.
Maybe she just doesn’t want to do it. And that’s alright. If it’s an imperative for you then this isn’t the girl for you.
Also, it’s really bad form to pressure someone. “No” is a complete sentence. It doesn’t matter whether she was abused or not, maybe she just doesn’t like the idea of having a dick in her mouth…I know I don’t.
She’s probably insecure about it, but it’s possible she doesn’t want to ever. Hard to say when all she’s given is “eventually”.
If you are feeling resentful then you should stop giving to her what she isn’t giving back. If she brings up that she wants it you can say you aren’t comfortable unless she is too.
If that doesn’t work then maybe break up, she’s 100% within her rights to not want to do it ever and life is too short for bad sex. You’re young, there are so many more opportunities ahead.
Some people don’t like giving BJs. Your GF may be one of them. If they’re that important to you (which is fair), my advice is to find a GF that will. You’re way too young to be so sexually incompatible.
Time to leave
I was honestly scared to death to give head for the first time. I kept putting it off because I was nervous I was going to be horrible at it and not know what to do. I remember I printed out this like 13 page packet of tips on how to give head from a website I found on the family computer (the printer setting was set to print 3 copies so I almost a heart attack when my parents came home).. but after much research, I felt confident enough to do it with my bf at the time and I haven’t looked back since. It’s my favorite now 😂
Stop eating her pussy
Leave her and find a girl you’re compatible with.
I’ll say the same to you that I would say to a girl whose guy won’t go down: if you really want BJs move on. Otherwise accept that you may never get one. I broke up with a couple guys because they said they didn’t want to do it. Oral is important to me, so you have to decide how important it is to you. It’s very frustrating to have a partner who doesn’t adore your privates.
i hate giving head. i have a small mouth and a bad gag reflex. literally burped once while giving.
more than happy to use my tongue and tongue piercing to play with
First, stop giving her oral.
Second, stop asking her for oral.
She will notice the change in dynamics and will ask you what’s going on. At that point just tell her that you don’t feel it’s fair to either of you for you to give and not receive as it just builds resentment and makes you feel like shit always pressuring her. You may just be sexually incompatible.
Find a compatible sex partner
Few days ago there was a post on this group about a bf not wanting to go down on the gf and all the upvoted comments were saying things like “he is an asshole for not caring about your sexual needs” while the tone of the comments on this post is way different. Lol
She’s allowed to have limits–that is, things that she just doesn’t want to do.
You’re also allowed to have things you absolutely want.
If you absolutely want something that is beyond her limits, the two of you are not sexually compatible.
Life is short. Get a new girlfriend. She may be great but she’s not a fit.
OP at this point you have three choices:
1. Suck it up and keep the relationship as it is.
2. If you don’t get head, she doesn’t get head.
3. Break up and find someone else that will.
The more you’re gonna ask for it, the more she’s gonna backup and reject it. Go down on her, and enjoy. On time if she wants, she might surprise you with one. But for now it’s developing a perfect scenario for resentment and detachment.
I’m amazed.
If this were a woman giving oral sex and not receiving then the advice would be different.
She’s sexually selfish, and doesn’t deserve head from you anymore.
Cut her off from head and see how she feels, sex is a mutual act
Personally, oral sex is a deal breaker I would’ve ended it already.
I agree with a lot of the comments here. It’s good to stop asking because she knows what you want. I understand the frustration and disappointment though. However, it is quite selfish of her considering that you’d happily give her oral. I’d say that you should stop giving it to her. 🤷♀️
I agree with a lot of the comments here. It’s good to stop asking because she knows what you want. I understand the frustration and disappointment though. However, it is quite selfish of her considering that you’d happily give her oral. I’d say that you should stop giving it to her. 🤷♀️
So a few things:
1. Everybody has the right to NOT do certain sex acts that they don’t want to do. I understand that it’s disappointing not to receive oral, but she doesn’t owe it to you. It sounds like you’re starting to pressure her over it and you need to stop.
2. Ultimately, if this becomes a deal breaker for you, you’re well within your rights to leave the relationship over it.
3. At your age, people (and girls especially) will get comfortable with sex at different rates. My girlfriend at that age gave enthusiastic oral but wasn’t ready for PIV until about 20. I’d suggest trying to be patient and enjoying what you do for now.
I went through what you’ve described in this post for many years with my partner. When we had just got together she tried to go down a few times but was always hesitant or always found ways to “avoid” having to get her mouth near my penis, she later admitted that it felt degrading and demeaning and she was not at all attracted to the idea of having a penis in her mouth.
As a man who has great, deep and tactile desires for specific parts of female anatomy, this is a really crushing thing to hear and while devastating to one’s self-esteem, I learned a lot in the process. Media and the internet has made men feel like if their partner doesn’t want to suck them off 24/7, then it must mean that they simply aren’t attracted to you, so this can all turn into a huge can of emotional worms. There are things to remember in these situations;
* This may be a temporary feeling. There is a real difference between men and women’s processing of certain kinds of stimulation, sexual ideas and what specific acts *mean.* This can change 180-degrees over time as your partner may find something in themselves that they didn’t realize was there and they may suddenly want to explore things they didn’t used to like. Many men don’t change this much in our wants and needs so this can feel disingenuous even, because it’s hard to imagine being grossed out by something and then actually wanting it at some other point, but emotions are a wild ride and can take us in new directions all the time.
* One other difference between sexes is what aspect of sexuality has “top billing” in the act. Most women get more from the emotional/intimacy part of sex than a physical urge to do nasty things with naughty parts. Again, a broad generalization but many people would agree. Even in same-sex couples you will see oftentimes that one partner has different urges and their connection comes from making their differences work to satisfy each other. Abandoning the idea that we have to have the same kinds of wants to be sexually fulfilled together can cause undo stress and pressure. Enjoy the parts you can with your partner, find what she enjoys, nurture these things to make sex a comfortable place for her to explore new things without pressure, and it may actually change her feelings over time.
* Your partner may never feel as drawn to your genitalia as you to hers, while at the same time having a desire to be physically intimate with you. Again, this is a REALLY hard thing to swallow (lol) but the sooner you start to accept and try to internalize this fact in a positive way, the sooner you can stop letting it wreck your self-esteem, because it DOES take a while to get over. It left me with lasting harm because I obsessed about it and let it make me feel gross, dirty and undesirable, and that’s a completely unnecessary reaction to dwell on.
* A lot of people don’t have ANY way to connect oral/mouth/eating with what goes on below the waist, with organs meant for “dirty” things like peeing. It may be that your partner simply hasn’t felt safe to explore this mentally or may even never be able to put this together in the way you would want. *Be ready for that and don’t underestimate how bad this might make you feel*. If you had a lot of fantasies about specific sex acts, and you love your partner and want to stay with her always, this can be a very conflicting and depressing reality to process.
* Talk to your partner. Yes, this is a reddit trope now, but this particular situation is really challenging. It’s hard to tell your partner that you simultaneously feel less-than desired and/or you feel sad and disappointed while also making sure they understand that you expressing these things is not an attempt at pressuring her, but rather you will need other kinds of validation and acceptance to not feel rejected or undesirable, or even just reassurances that it’s not an issue of attraction. This is hard, even in a really close relationship, typically as men we’re not conditioned early on to talk openly about how we feel about ourselves and our needs for certain kinds of emotional/physical needs from a romantic partner, we’re supposed to be stoic and able to shrug off anything, but you can’t let negative feelings fester or it will get worse and worse.
For girls, it can be a bit intimidating to give head at first because we don’t know what we are doing and are afraid we’ll mess up and it’s just foreign and weird.
I would suggest maybe flavoring it up a bit with Nutella, stick a fruit roll-up on it, flavored lube, cake batter, etc. For me, putting something tasty on the penis makes it WAY more enjoyable and also your girlfried won’t have to worry so much about ‘messing up’ or not knowing what she is doing because she’ll just be licking/sucking off whatever you have put onto it.
I think that would make the ‘giving head’ less stressful and more fun for her.
Shes just anxious about doing it wrong or isnt into it dude, if youre frustrated, dont give her head. Its that simple