Hey guys, I (22F) need to know whether I am right or wrong about this. My bestfriend (23F) of 8 years has pretty bad anxiety (supposedly) and never wants to hangout unless I beg her for weeks or bribe her with expensive meals.
Backstory: I met her in college and it took 3 months of being very persistent before she would even come to my house to hangout. She says this is because she has severe social anxiety, but I’m not so sure. Fast forward 2 years into our friendship, I had some issues at home and ended up living with her and her family for 2 months. We slept in the same room and got along amazing! Got stuff figured out at home and another 2 years later, I again stayed with her family for 6 months due to some other issues. Her father and brother are like family to me (mother died of liver cancer before I knew my friend).
Now I have my own house and am doing great! However, my bestfriend never wants to hang out with me. It seems like she blames everything on her anxiety. She has no job, no car (refuses to get her license because she is scared to drive), took the spring semester off for “mental health”, and never wants to leave her home (still lives with her younger brother and father and pays no rent or bills). She’s a year older than I am, yet I feel like she acts like a child. Since she doesn’t drive she has me, her brother, or her father take her where she needs to go when she does actually leave the house (which hasn’t been for a month). She has anxiety meds, but still uses her anxiety as an excuse to stay in her little bubble and not be an adult. When I try to express this to her she says I know she has anxiety and that I’m emotionally manipulating her. It’s breaking me down.
My last text to her was this: It feels like you use ur anxiety as an excuse for everything. And you don’t even really do anything about it either, you would rather just stay in your little bubble and not deal with things. I’m constantly begging to see you and it hurts feeling like I’m the only one that wants to hang out. I don’t really have any other friends, so when the one I care about the most can’t be bothered to see me at least once a month bc she doesn’t feel like it, that sucks. I would do literally anything for you, but you won’t leave your house for me? How else am I supposed to feel?
This was her response: “Because she doesn’t feel like it” Thanks for completely invalidating my feelings. First of all, it’s not because I don’t want to. As I’ve said, multiple times, it’s hard to leave my house sometimes. Ikr it’s hard for you to understand but you could at least try. You don’t know how many times I push through that feeling just to go to your house. As I’ve said before, there’s tons of things we could do that don’t involve me leaving my house. “You don’t really do anything about it either” ?????? You have no idea what I go through on a day to day basis and it doesn’t seem like you even care or try to understand. You’re being incredibly narcissistic, manipulative, and unempathetic.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
7 comments
You do seem very invalidating of what she is likely feeling – even if it is at an unhealthy level.
If you’re wanting to spend time with her, sounds like the opportunity is there to hangout at her home. If you’re wanting to not be inside (or inside her home), then you may need to look for other people to fulfill that niche for the time being; while still being able to be there for your friend by seeing her at home, inviting her out, etc.
Your friend’s anxiety IS real. However she does sound like a baby of a person and not someone worth this much effort.
I had a friend like this, we went on a trip for one of our college club that our school paid for and she ended up spending the whole time in the hotel room. During this time, she made up that she had an illness to avoid going to any of the events because of her anxiety and spent the whole time in her room gaming with online friends. This past semester she randomly packed up her dorm and left without telling anyone, which made us think she was kidnapped but she just went back home.
The best thing to probably do is to ask for some space. Yes her feelings are valid and her anxiety is very much real but she also doesn’t seem to be making any positive changes in her life like getting a job or a drivers license. Your feelings should be acknowledged too, you’re just asking to hang out and have been nothing but a supportive friend by buying her things and giving her rides. I think that you deserve better and she should be making greater efforts to spend time with you. If her anxiety is limiting her then she should at least feel comfortable to hang out at your place :/
I’d say it may be time to put your energy towards other people or things for a while. You can only do so much for someone in her circumstance without hurting your own feelings in the process or losing your patience. There is no real right or wrong here, you are just wasting your effort on someone who isn’t ready to be an active part of your life.
I probably wouldn’t have accused her of using her anxiety as an excuse like you did in your message as it does sound like this poor girl is suffering somewhat. That probably just furthered her want to not interact with you.
Sounds like she might not like you as a good friend anymore but cannot tell you this obviously because of her anxiety. Its time to let her be and make room for new people in your life.
>I’m constantly begging to see you and it hurts feeling like I’m the only one that wants to hang out. I don’t really have any other friends, so when the one I care about the most can’t be bothered to see me at least once a month bc she doesn’t feel like it, that sucks.
That does feel like guiltripping.
Your problem is that you don’t have any other friends so you depend on her to fill your needs. Better use the energy to find people who would want to hang out with you as much as you want to hang out with them.
Have you tried to digitally hang out? Like on discord or an mmo.
She might have a deliberating anxiety. And she might go out because you are guilting her into going out.
I would also not bother putting effort in a person who constantly is making me feel bad and invalidates my mental health.
Why is it so hard to understand that some people function differently and just try to find people with whom you are more compatible rather than trying to force someone to change for you? It’s better for your mental health.
She is not holding you hostage. You can just go and find more compatable people.
Also, she might be neurodivergent and thus things are not so easy for her as you think they are.
Also, the constant begging and bribing and getting angry at her for not being able to hang out can increase the anxiety. She might actually be scared of you (looking at the rage that seeps throught your post) and thus doesn’t want to hang out. You might be triggering her anxiety with your demands.
Regardless of her issues, this sounds like a shit “best friend”. I’m sure she has a non-zero amount of anxiety, but it also seems like she’s playing up her issues so she doesn’t have to take responsibilty for anything, and if somebody calls her out on it, she can double down on it and play the victim.
What’s she doing to give *any* indication that she wants things to change? Like great, she’s got a diagnosis and a prescription for some meds, but is that one of those “I’ve done the bare minimum and I’m all outta ideas” kinda things? Is she doing anything that actually requires her to put in some time or effort or take some responsibility for herself?
This situation between her and you isn’t entirely her fault…you could have done some things differently too. She’s not meant to be a substitute for your lack of other friends. You’re not entitled to have her meet your expectations because you chose to overinvest into her. Cost is what you pay, value is what you get. She doesn’t owe you the difference because you chose to overinvest. You can’t control her side, you can only control yours. I wouldn’t have pushed her like you did at *all*. I’d have just matched her effort and whatever she chose to do, I’d believe her.