For a few months I’ve been left very unloved by my girlfriend to the point where it doesn’t even feel like a relationship. We have been together for over 2 years but slowly our intimacy and time together has dwindled to a point where it doesn’t really exist anymore. She took sex off the table early on and initially I was fine with it but then once she started to shy away from hand holding, cuddling or kissing, I felt something was up. She insists that nothing has changed on her side, and that it’s just a case of this is how she is. But I just felt so distant from her and she doesn’t realise what she’s doing to this relationship. We hardly meet up and our distance away is only 40-45 mins apart but her way of spending quality time is just watching movies on Netflix together over a Skype call. That’s all we do these days and she’s happy with it.
I’ve tried to get through it and accepting it but it’s just become too difficult. Even her wanting to up with me seems more of a convenience for her rather than her really wanting to spend time with me. To give her some credit, she does put in effort when she wants to meet but it’s mostly on her terms like for her to do shopping and get stuff done that she needs to do.
She continues to say that she feels we’re still strong and whenever I bring it up again, she just gets defensive and doesn’t like talking about it. The other day when we met for the first time in 3 months – we were travelling separately with our families – the way she greeted me was as if nothing happened, it’s just like cold turkey behaviour.
So it’s come to the point now where I just want to end it as it’s gone on for too long. It feels like an incompatibility issue but also could be more that she stopped caring, even though sometimes she makes it seem like she cares. How do I even bring up this kind of conversation and what do I say?
23 comments
Say you’re unhappy and would like to break up. Then block her.
>The other day when we met for the first time in 3 months – we were travelling separately with our families – the way she greeted me was as if nothing happened, it’s just like cold turkey behaviour.
3 months? That’s bullshit. Life is too short to be starved of affection. I’m sure she’ll find someone who would be fine with Netflix instead of sex, plenty of cold fish in the sea.
I hear you sayin’ you’re feelin’ about as wanted as a skunk at a lawn party. Your gal’s colder than a well digger’s knee and I reckon it’s high time you cowboy up and address the issue.
This ain’t an easy task, but it’s gotta be done. So you sit her down and say, “Darlin’, I’ve been feeling more lonesome than a three-legged dog in an alleyway. I’ve tried talkin’, tried understandin’, but I can’t keep pretendin’ that everything’s hunky-dory. You’re happier than a tick on a fat dog just watchin’ movies over Skype and shoppin’, but I need more. I need warmth, I need love. We’re as mismatched as a rattlesnake at a hamster convention and it’s not fair to either of us. We need to go our separate ways.”
Edit: Well shoot, ‘preciate the gold stranger
I am a very similar situation. I’ve begged and pleaded for my partner to be more affectionate, in whatever way he preferred to show it but he hasn’t.
Sometimes you have to realize that you want something different or more from someone else.
I would just be honest and say that you are not getting your needs met by her and you don’t think you can stay in a relationship like that. Good luck
It could be that she’s got a distant avoidant attachment style. But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with that, I have a very affectionate personality and I’d have a very very difficult time with this as well. Nothing’s going to fundamentally change, especially if you’ve already tried communicating about this time and time again and she has no intention of changing, to the point where she’s getting upset even just talking about it.
I’ve broken up with someone over incompatibilities before, and it’s really not easy when you love that person. There is no “right time” to bring up the conversation, (obviously do it in private, i just mean like day of the week or whatever). I’d say Tonight is the night you do it. Tonight you say something along the lines of..
Hey I need to talk to you about something important. I’ve been thinking about this for a long while now and I just don’t think you and I are emotionally compatible. We’ve talked about this time and time again and it hasn’t stopped bothering me. my emotional needs aren’t being met in this relationship and it’s clear from how long it’s been, and how much of a chance that I’ve given us that they never will be met. I wanted it to work, but it just can’t.
You need to stay strong dude, and stick to your guns because there are more, better people for you out there. After I broke up with my ex I thought I’d never find anyone even half as good as she was, but that’s just our minds tricking us. You take this time while single to work on yourself, the the best you can be.
It seems like it is an incompatibility issue and you have brought up these problems and she refuses to work on them. At this point you have a green light to just end things. Be open and honest that you feel unhappy and that her version of love isn’t working for you and you want to find a better match. If she’s distanced herself from you this much chances are she will be relatively chill about it. Just don’t make the mistake of letting her tell you she will change or fix things. If she won’t fix the problems without the threat of a breakup, she won’t permanently fix them, just change her ways for a bit until she can go back without breaking things off
You want fundamentally different styles of relationships. Break up.
write her a letter if she will not listen to what you have to say.
Than start building your new life by blocking her
You tell her honestly the relationship is not working for you and hasn’t been for a while, thank her for the good times you did have together, and wish her all the best. If she wants to argue and say you should stay and fix the relationship, kindly tell her you’re past that point and not interested.
You have brought these issues up multiple times, and she has been dismissive. You want to end things, so just, do that.
“Hey, Marcie, I need to talk to you. As I’ve tried to tell you a few times, I’ve been really struggling in our relationship for a while now, and I’ve decided it has to end. I’m sorry, but I’m breaking up with you. I wish you well, but this is it for me.”
Are there logistics of picking up stuff from her place or anything like that? “I’ll be in your area next weekend, can we arrange a time for me to get my [hoodie, toiletries, books, laptop, whatever].”
Then, no contact.
I don’t get these women. I’d be crosseyed
Honestly the conversation will be hard but it’s best to say how your feeling. Say I’m sorry and I do care and love you but I’ve tried talking to you about the issues I’m having with not feeling loved and cared for and you have dismissed my issues as just how you are and if that is true then this relationship is not for me. I want my relationship to be filled with love and warmth and quality time together. I haven’t gotten any of that from you in awhile and we hadn’t even seen each other in 3 months. I’m sorry but we are over and I’m leaving. I wish you nothing but the best and I still love you but we just aren’t compatible we express our love differently and that’s ok but it’s not how I want to be loved.
just tell her how you feel honestly. there’s a disconnect and lack of emotional intimacy that she fails to address on a consistent basis. you’ve already tried talking to her about it. now just tell her what it is which is over.
This is not a relationship. Do you want this to be your future life? Break up, block and find someone with a beating heart.
“She took sex off the table early on.” She’s playing you for either an ATM or a fool, or both.
I’d put money on she’s getting her needs met elsewhere and you are just there to pay bills.
Tell her “you rob me of solitude but provide me no company”
She’s been fucking someone else since she took sex off the table with you. Time for you to move on.
Plenty of deal breakers here. Pick one, or many and stand up for yourself. Let her crawl back to her introverted weirdness and go back to living your life. Don’t waste any more time on this one. There’s no telling what she is really doing that you are unaware of.
She either has trauma she hasn’t disclosed to you, is in a relationship with someone else, or is still in the closet sexually. If she won’t talk to you about it like an adult, break it off completely.
Hey, we aren’t really even dating so I think that’s a wrap.
You say, “I don’t want to be with you anymore, so this relationship is over.”
Just tell her that you don’t agree with her assessment of your relationship. Just because she says something does not make it true. If you want out, get out.
You say ‘this isn’t working for me anymore. I’m breaking up with you’.
You say ‘this isn’t working for me anymore. I’m breaking up with you’.