Things have been challenging the past several months while I’ve been in a rigorous accelerated nursing program. Things haven’t been what they used to since I’ve had quite the course load. I’ve tried to schedule time for us to spend together each week and I feel like I’ve genuinely tried to be there for him even when I can’t be there for myself.
We went on a trip for Memorial Day weekend and I still don’t feel the love from him like I used to. He’s told me I’ve changed and he doesn’t like the person I am when I’m in school.
We’ve had many good conversations and have been trying to work through things. Physical touch is one of my love languages and the fact hardly get it anymore along with words of affirmation, I feel unloved.
Last night I asked him if he was in love with me still and he paused for a few seconds before he said no…. After I didn’t say anything to that he touched my back and said sweet dreams. I feel confused as heck. I stayed quiet because I didn’t know what to say back to that…
Any advice or ideas?
38 comments
You probably have changed while in school but that’s his problem, not yours.
He’s sunk costs. Don’t be afraid to bounce.
Ouch. I’m sorry to hear that OP! What do you want to do? I think it’s important to reflect on your own wants for the future and then reverse engineer the plan. Obviously a heart to heart conversation is necessary, but beyond that, it’s really up to the two of you.
A lot of people will tell you to leave the relationship, and I’d almost agree, but ultimately there’s a great many details you know that we don’t. You’ll make the right choice!
The writing’s on the wall, isn’t it :/
Yeah, time to break up.
Has he ever said he loved you, or would this have been the first time?
He loves you. It may not be romantic love at this moment. The mention of the importance of touch to you is cogent. Not many people recognize the importance of touch. If you want more touching, the invitation must be clear. Talking about it is just noise. He isn’t being invited in a way that he understands. Forget the blame game. You are busy, distracted by hard work, withdrawn because of it. Note his comment about not liking you when you are in school. You want better so you must do better. When you see him, a greeting that includes your complete attention to him, touching in a non-sexual way, looking straight into his eyes, a statement of how nice it is to see him changes everything. Whatever you do, I hope it leads to more happiness for both of you.
i am fairly sure you guys just broke up. don’t waste your best years on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
My shitty ex used to use the following two statements as excuse for her emotionally negligent behaviour. But she’s not wrong about them either.
“When people tell you who they are, listen.” He’s just told you who he is, he doesn’t love you, but he’s just okey with having you around because it’s easy and or convenient.
“You can’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” If you keep burning for both of you, you’ll burn out.
Take your time to recover.
Also, is he per-chance slighy conservative and afraid of cities and books?
No advice. This relationship ran its course.
You chose your career over him, and it’s alright, he wasn’t the one. Prepare yourself, get better, work hard, and further down the lane you’ll find someone when your schedule opens a little bit.
Well idk any other clearer sign that a relationship is over than when other person says they’re not in love with you anymore.
I mean nobody wants to hear that their partner isn’t in love with them, but I hardly think this needs to be the end of the relationship. It sounds like maybe you two have drifted apart because of life changes, predominantly school that you mentioned.
I think the fact he was straightforward, and sounds like he wasn’t really phased much by it, is great news! This means likely he’s been aware it’s been going on slowly for awhile, he obviously still cares about you, touching your back and saying sweet dreams highlights this! All these things lead me to, well what do you want? What does he want? You guys need to talk about that, and what you do and don’t like about your lifestyle and relationship. This sounds very fixable!
You don’t feel loved, well that feeling sucks. Have you told him this? Do you guys say I love you much anymore? All these things require a bit of talking and habit changing, but these are relatively small issues and not that serious over all, ya know? Neither of you cheated or even sounds mean. Just sounds like you’ve drifted apart a little and fallen out of sync.
I would focus on reconnecting emotionally and sexually. Real conversation about what is draining you guys, and what you each think would help make things better! I hope something here helps you and have a nice day! It will be ok! At least he didn’t just break up with you or cheat on you. He clearly still cares about you and loves you, even if he doesn’t feel like he’s “in love” anymore. Unfortunately, sometimes sparks fade, but they can be rekindled! You can do it!! 😊
EDIT: you should ask him why he feels like he’s not in love with you anymore? Does he know what things were different that made him previously in love with you? And if he has any ideas for how to rekindle your relationship? And just in general, what does he want? Does he have anything he would like to change on his end or like you to change? These conversations are rough, but if you’re there for each other and don’t retreat inwardly, there’s no reason you two can’t come out of this even stronger than your previous best! Try to check ego at the door, and be honest communicating with each other! I think you guys can totally fix this and be even better than your previous best selves! Good luck op!! You got this!! 😁
I think you should start by sharing this thread with him!
So the feeling of love only comes when you put it in action – it happens that after some time some people will say the feeling isn’t there anymore – but that’s because he stopped pursuing you – he stopped the small gestures tbat are so important to keep love alive.
Your relationship has an emotional bank account – when you say nice things, do small acts of kindness for each other, and keep promises you make deposits. Right now he made a huge withdrawal by telling you he doesn’t love you. That’s a bank breaking withdrawal.
Only you can decide if it’s worth trying to work this out.
First, I am very sorry. I don’t want to sound callous, but what advice and ideas are you looking for? He just told you he is not in love with you. Leave him and find someone who does love you. The “sweet dreams” part…what a tool.
Don’t waste anymore years on this guy
Jeez, that’s rough.
“Sweet dreams”? What an AH. It’s over. Return home and get your business in order immediately so you’re ready to kick him to the curb. JMO
I feel there isn’t much context? We don’t know how much time she is spending with him? It’s subjective. She’s like scheduling time for them to spend together.
Ik she is in a nursing program and it’s difficult for her to spend time but at the same time it feels like people are being harsh towards him as well? Like can you assure him once the program gets over, you can spend more time with him. I think he is not happy with such less time you spend with him so I think, you need to communicate and find out the true reason why he doesn’t love you back.
Love isn’t something we fall in and out of. It isn’t something that happens to us or something beyond our control. It’s a choice we make every day.
Love is easy when it’s easy. Loving someone when they’re not at their most lovable, loving them and supporting them as they pursue their dreams- that’s intentional, selfless, TRULY loving.
What your man just told you is that his love was never true, was always transactional and always self-seeking. You can and will find more. Keep after your dreams, don’t ever date down, know your worth.
Please have the strength to move on knowing that you can handle anything that lies ahead – even time alone. You’ve got this! 💜
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I’m sorry 😔. Clearly the relationship has run its course, and it’s time for you two to part ways. You deserve to receive the same type of love you are giving.
At first I was going to suggest counseling, but after reading your full post, it sounds like there’s really no point. You should walk away. I’ve had three friends in this situation who stayed, and the men left them as soon as they met women they were excited about. In each case, the man proceeded to marry that next woman within a year of dating. It’s insane, and heartbreaking for my friends.
He’s told me I’ve changed and he doesn’t like the person I am when I’m in school.
I think this needs elaboration?
Also, sounds like your relationship is over.
This would break my heart. I’m so sorry. Know your worth- there are so many people out there who would love you for who you are. I would probably break up if someone said that to me after so long.
Listen to people when they speak.
The “sweet dreams” remark suggests that he still has affection for you, but he told you he is no longer in love with you. He has even identified that you have changed since joining your nursing program and he doesn’t like who you have become.
He doesn’t like who you have become as a person and is no longer in love with you.
What do you want to do with that?
You can stay and try to work on becoming a person that he likes and can fall in love with again. If that is something you desire.
You can stay with a man who doesn’t like or love you. It’s a bad choice, but it’s a choice.
Or you can leave and try to find someone who can love the person you’ve become.
Regardless of your choice, I would advise to take some time to reflect on *how* you’ve changed in your nursing program. It may be that you have grown and gained independence, knowledge, and skills and he is threatened by that. It may also be that you’ve become short tempered, emotionally unavailable, and judgmental. There is no way for a stranger to gauge that.
But if someone I knew and respected for most of a decade told me I had changed and they no longer loved or even liked the person I had become, I would take that as a sign for a reality check even if the relationship was over.
School is exhausting miss, and is very time consuming, what he probably means by “you’ve changed” it doesn’t mean necessarily your personality, more along the lines of your priorities. You are not in the wrong at all, advancing yourself in life is a must, you must always continue to move forward. I am sorry he doesn’t understand that, nor support you, he’s acting immature cause he’s not getting what he wants from you, saying he doesn’t love you is a huge mistake on his part. He should always be there to support you, pick you up and never let you down, that’s how a SO should always be through tough times. I’m sure if you want it to you can make it work, but he will continue this I assure you, untill he gets what he wants from you, which is youre time and attention, not saying you don’t try, just saying school is very time consuming. Best wishes, I hope he comes to realize how good he has it, and apologizes.
What are you waiting for, break up with him! You deserve so much better!
What are you confused about? He’s not in love with you anymore. Time to move on.
The part where he said sweet dreams is confusing. Maybe he misheard you? I’d double check.
I’m confused. Why are you confused?? . Never let them tell you twice.
yeah no the sweet dreams is just so hilarious to say after he told you he doesn’t love you, that’s not indicative of a guy that cares about you, to me it sounds like a guy tryna make things less awkward. but hey he was honest and it’s honestly time to pack it up and keep it pushing. i wouldn’t even be friends with him after that
I asked my BF just now if he’s in love with me and he said, no hesitation, “I sure am!” And gave me a smooch. You know you deserve better
Ok so being in love is a fleeting emotions that comes and go loving someone is loving someone and choosing to stay when you are not in love it comes and goes and needs to be built on and work on the in love phase if you choose. if not you need to separate I have been married for 5 years I was just talking about this with my spouse in love is a feeling that need to be worked on loving a person you can still love them but not be in love. So you need to decide what steps you want with your bf.
He told you exactly what he wanted you to hear. He’s not in love with you and he doesn’t like who you are. There’s only one thing for you to do. Tell him that this relationship is no longer working out and maybe you “were always better off as friends”. Take all the blame out of the situation and take the easy exit. No need to fight or struggle, just let it be over.
Sounds like you and him are growing. It’s ok. It’s great in fact. That’s what we do. We grow and change. You two are growing in different directions. It’s ok too. It’s time to either talk about growing in one direction together or two direction apart. Life!!
Take some time apart. Even if it’s just for a few days. Give both of you time to reflect on whether you want to save the relationship and what changes need to be made.
He’s probably felt this way for awhile but didn’t want to hurt you so he avoided the conversation. Maybe he thought he could just wait until you were done with school to break up. It might be best for both of you if you just break up now.
I am sorry you had to experience the end of your relationship in such a way and I hope happier days will come your way soon.
Leave him and find someone who does love you. The “sweet dreams” part…what a tool.
Some people only want the happy go lucky type of relationship. They don’t want to date actual humans that have a lot of (temporary) stress in their life because they are making the most of themselves and are pursuing their dreams. Those people can’t handle that. Time to pack honey and take care of YOU!