BF (35M) and I (31F) of a little over a year broke up on my birthday last weekend due to communication issues and lifestyle differences. At the end of the day, I couldn’t handle that he needed to be on a substance at all times (either his Adderall which is prescribed, but took way more than the recommended dose and would purchase it from random people from the bar, his habit of drinking a lot more than I felt was needed (he would go through a 6-12 pack in one evening), and his excessive use of weed (which I usually don’t have a problem with, but combined with the other things it was just too much)) and the lack of insight of his day to day life.
Moving forward, what can I do moving forward to prevent these issues in my next relationships? I don’t mind my partner having a drink or smoking socially, but I don’t want to date/ marry heavy users. When it comes to communication, I just want to be kept in the loop and not be an afterthought which I felt like I was a majority of the time in the last 6 months.
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to me it seems like the obvious answer is not to move forward with people who dot hat, so I’m wondering why it doesn’t *feel* obvious to you as the solution? Do you worry that they’ll conceal their usage from you so that you can’t make that decision? I get being able to hide adderall, but you’d probably notice within the first few weeks of dating someone if they’re constantly using weed or having 6+ beers in one evening.
Looking for lifestyle cues can also help weed people out. I feel like a good number of substance users have a lifestyle that tends to enable or require the substances (though not always). If someone is partying until 2am in their 30s, excessive cocaine/drinking/something is usually behind it.
Communication might be a less obvious thing since they’re not ingesting it, but also something you can opt in or out of if they don’t meet your standard.
The only way to prevent those issues is to not date them. You can typically tell within the first few dates what level of substance use someone is comfortable with and how well they communicate.
I think the bigger issue here is probably that you give them the benefit of the doubt and say nothing, or you call them out on it expecting them to change. Neither option is good or realistic. At this age, we are who we are unless WE decide to change ourselves. I know you’ve heard the saying “when people show you who they are, believe them” a million times… but that’s because it’s true. Most questions in this sub could be solved with that advice.
You have to be willing to walk away the moment you identify deal breakers. It sucks, but it’s the only solution.
You can’t prevent anyone from doing anything they want. I’m totally fine with drug/alcohol use for the most part, but if you drink a 6 pack every evening it’s simply not gunna work out. If you see these signs in someone early on, stop seeing them and move on.
You’re not being unreasonable, but it’s going to be hard to sus out at the beginning.
“Do you buy drugs from ransoms in bars?” is an odd getting-to-know-you ice breaker.
Were there signs earlier than one year in that they were habitually doing those things? My advice would be cut it off as soon as you see the signs because I would imagine that you let it slide for a while unless it’s a very new habit? I have a friend who is married to someone who relies on alcohol and now they have a family and are older she mentions it, but he has been like that the whole time they were together so in a way she knew what she was getting into. People generally need to decide themselves to stop drinking and drug use, its unlikely that they would stop at the request of a partner who has already dealt with them doing it for a longer time.
And the reason I say to look out for the signs of it, is people on dating apps are often not honest about how much they do these things. I dated someone a few years ago who said he only smoked weed at the weekend. A few months later we had an argument that stemmed from the fact he’d had too much weed. I said you need to stop coming to my flat high. His response was, well I do it everyday so that’s not going to happen.
Ah something similar happened to me.
Last year my ex and I broke up because he was an alcoholic, or at least that was his story (still don’t think it’s the full story but that’s not relevant).
First, he would pressure me to drink more than I wanted. I was struggling to lose weight so I wanted to minimize how much I’d drink, he’d pressure me into drinking, bringing alcohol to drink before we’d go to events. Then there was a weekend he went on a full bender and spent the whole weekend intoxicated, he was pretty unbearable to be around. Then he’d disappear for a day or two here and there… because he was on a bender.
There were signs. Even my friend said I’m sorry I saw this coming. Luckily it was a short lived relationship. My advice is he’s the signs from the beginning. Unfortunately drinking culture is big here so it makes an already small dating pool even smaller.
He likely has an addiction, and if he does they don’t get better over time. Alcoholism and any addiction is progressive and always gets worse over time. I’d avoid it.
At the beginning, I recommend asking and filtering people who have any types of addiction problems/drug usage/mental health/issues in general. You need to ask yourself if you can handle whatever baggage they have. If you can, kudos to you. If you are not able to, find someone else.
Good luck!
There were obviously a multitude of factors here, but I’d just like to throw out that it’s much harder to get a prescription for adderall than ppl think. And even when you do get it, you are often underdosed for awhile until a higher dose is deemed appropriate by your doctor. There is also a nationwide shortage of the drug. If someone needs adderall to function I wouldn’t hold it against them if they had a dealer they trusted provide it for them while working to get their prescription updated