My husband (M23) and me (F22) are on the brink of separation.
We recently began living together a month ago. We had a fight on Wednesday May 17. It began when I became increasingly annoyed with his laziness at home. The chores I do is cooking, vacuuming the apartment, sanitizing the toilets/sink, cleaning our pets cage, laundry, and washing the dishes in the morning and afternoon. The chores he is supposed to do is take out the trash, compost, and try to wash the dishes (at night but it is not always guaranteed).
The trash has been filling up to the point garbage is falling out. Even in the recycling bin in our apartment, the small walk-in closet that has the machine wash is blocked with plastic bottles and cardboard boxes. I remind him to empty it out but “I’ll do it tomorrow” becomes two days and two days becomes 4 days up to Wednesday, it has been a week. I have to kick away the plastic bottles to get to the laundry machines. The compost also needs to be taken out as it is hot where I am and it can smell rancid in the heat but he also delays it (just not as long as the trash and recycling cause it can stink up the entire kitchen)
One day as Im getting ready in the morning to go to my uni classes, I remind him to buy two cartons of milk and bread, help me put the wet clothes in the the drier, and take out the trash and recycling. He says its gonna be super busy and hard work. I say this is easy so far as he is not working full time and we don’t have kids. He has the whole entire day(s) and we are just at “level 1”. He says he’s going to be so tired and I tell him if he keeps being lazy, he won’t be a good father. “You won’t be a good father at all if you think these 3 tasks are hard when you have the whole entire day. I don’t want to have kids with you for now…” And after I said it, he became furious and told me to repeat myself. I didn’t and left for school as I was running late. I did apologize to him on my way out as it was out of line for me to say that. I know he wants kids and to say that hurt him deeply and so we somewhat reconciled until I got home on Wednesday.
I bought some veggies and pastries to cheer him up from the tense morning but I saw him in bed playing Clash Royal with Netflix on. I gave him a kiss and stored away the groceries in the kitchen but still saw that the trash was still as full as ever. The remaining dishes from last night were washed but the fridge still had no milk and the wet laundry was not in the drier. Mind you I left the home at 11:30AM and came back at 7:30PM. I was shocked and asked what he’s been doing all day and why he didn’t finish the chores? He said he was still mad at me and “didn’t want to do anything for you”.
I decided to pack up and go back to my parents home on Thursday.
On Friday, I went over to pick up my remaining items and he told he doesn’t feel happy with me and feels empty. He says he doesn’t love me and that I have been treating him poorly for 5 years. The reason he is lazy is because he has depression and he told me that I am the cause of it. He says he wants space to think about whether he wants to continue and I said “okay, I respect you and will give you time” Its crazy but… I still love him and want to stay with him even though I feel hurt.
I also forgot to mention he thinks it’s pointless to seek couples counselling because I am the problem so I myself should be seeking it.
37 comments
That’s an exceptional level of laziness on his part. Does he expect you to do everything alone while he sits around on his butt for the rest of his life?
It sounds like the problem is his being lazy and him viewing contributing to household tasks as somehow doing a favor for you instead of just doing his part as an adult.
Wow. I wouldn’t be able to respect him actually, with him blaming you . Ridiculous. Two ripple live there and two people need to contribute. I don’t blame your comment about kids either, because you’re right, when you have kids there’s no choice but to pitch in. I’d be doing Mexican stand-off and not washing his clothes or cooking or anything until he helps out, minimum.
Congrats you’re married to a child
How much of your twenties you waste on this mess is up to you
This guy is a spoilt manchild. Whatever you do DO NOT, get pregnant by this guy.
For him to be a successful parent he will need a massive attitude adjustment.
Does he realise that having children isn’t about having playmates. The hard work require, lost sleep for months or more, nappie(diapers), childhood illness and all the rest is so hard and that is just one, what if you have twins?
There is nothing worse than being woken in the night by a 4 Yr old who has thrown up covering himself and his bedding.
What you are asking of him is the bare minimum. What about, school runs, vehicle maintenance, kids weekend activities? The list is endless.
Get a male relation with kids to talk to him? Is his father like this? He needs a good dose of reality.
Right now he is all gaming and sex, that isn’t a marriage.
He doesn’t love you! What a child.
BTW I’m a man of 58 who raise 3 boys and I know what I’m talking about.
Get out now while you still can. This won’t get better and you definitely don’t want a child with this person.
No offense but you married a 23 year old. That was the problem.
This guy is manipulating you. You deserve better. He will not change and with kids it will be a lot worse. Cut your losses and get out now. You are still young.
He acts like doing chores he has to do as an adult is somehow doing you a favor? Disgusting.
He has a very unequal view of how a marriage and life should work. You should honestly leave him so he has to do all his own chores and grow up. He is treating you like his mom.
OP, when my husband and I first moved in together, there was definitely a period where we were “depressed” when we’d moved past the happy – all – the – time- puppy – love- phase and were getting into responsibilities- emotional, financial, etc. I think we were both struggling with transition and figuring out if we were compatible living together and the routines & boundaries that worked for us. But it was a transition period, and it passed. It passed because neither of us blamed the other person or decided that hard feelings meant we no longer loved/ wanted to be with the other person. We just worked through it because we wanted to and accepted that environments we had been attached to changed, and that change can be beautiful. You can’t make someone want to do that, and if they’re giving you clear signals, do yourself the favor and take the hint. there is someone out there who will love you and not blame you when life gets hard- give yourself the chance to find them. your partner probably really is depressed but if he’s only going to blame you and not look inward he’ll never be truly happy anywhere.
Ok, so you can still love the guy, but he has shown you that if you have children with him, all the work will be on you. And all the blame for his own issues will be on you. I strongly recommend that you rethink children with this man. I have seen very strong relationships become incredibly strained with an unequal parenting load.
How you respond to this will determine a lot about your life, honestly. Your partner of several years has just put all of his emotional baggage onto you to carry – it’s not me, it’s you. In no healthy relationship is this acceptable. By refusing to do the work of being vulnerable and honest about where his depression is coming from he is willing to put all that pain onto your heart, and why would two equal partners EVER want to do that to each other?!
Now, I’m not gonna be like every other person here and yell “LAWYER!” You are absolutely entitled to try to work through this with this person you love. The most important thing here is that you do it every step of the way with the question: “what is this costing me?”
Be honest when answering this question. Are you spending so much time consumed by the hurt in this relationship that you can’t enjoy things you used to/want to? Are you allowing someone to treat you in such a way that lowers your sense of value? And so on.
I will say, I was your boyfriend in my relationship at a point, in that I would find ways my partner was failing me instead of taking responsibility for my own happiness. It was an incredibly painful time for both of us, and let me tell you the only thing that allowed me to quit that shit is that I was very committed to understanding myself and bettering what I saw. People do not change their patterns, ever, without an intense desire to do so. It is not your responsibility to guide or single-handedly support this man in his own self-work.
Here is what is in your control: you can communicate to him your hurt and your needs very clearly, and this is the only time you should allow anger to be part of your communication. Anger allows us to speak our truths, but if let loose in a relationship it will only cause resentment and pain.
This is not a space for argument, if he is not willing to listen closely to all you have to say then your options change. If he is willing to listen, you give him your list of needs. From this point on, if you see honest effort on meeting these needs you encourage and thank him. You can continue to check in on him about how he’s doing with meeting those needs, what’s been difficult, etc. When your needs are not being met you can still bring it to his attention, with gentleness but a clarity that it is still important to you. Honestly this is really hard work so you’ll have to stay vigilant to make sure you’re not just backsliding into old patterns. But also everything isn’t going to change overnight.
So what if he doesn’t listen, or says he heard you but refuses to make any actual efforts? This is when you realize the next thing in your control: your own actions. You’re welcome to stay in this relationship, but if you do you have to be willing yo accept who he is in this moment. You can’t have a relationship built on “I’m sticking around so he can become who I deserve and need”. Keep asking “what is this costing me?” And, you are welcome to leave the relationship, yo explore yourself in single life or pursue healthier more fulfilling relationships. That would not be you failing your partner, if it’s what is best for you it would be failing both of you to stay.
Please, do not lose sight of your own value. You are worth more than constant arguments, than settling for “fine”, than waiting for life to get better. If he can’t see that he’s not who you want by your side
Has he been like that all 5 years or is this behavior recent? All we really know is it’s been an issue sometime
Assuming
5 years like this, yes this is bad behavior that’s become habit. Unless he intends on continuing to try, the relationship sounds over.
Recently started: what has been happening recently? Something that changed this guy?
It really takes both to make things work
And there doesn’t have to be specific tasks each couple does
One cooks, another cleans dishes
One washes clothes
Another puts them up to dry or folds them
Long story short, doesn’t seem salvageable as is
Don’t raise this child yourself. Find a new partner you can grow with together.
Did you get married a month ago or move in together a month ago? How long have you been married and why weren’t you living together before?
You’re 22 with no kids – divorce is perfect for someone like you. You are losing absolutely nothing but a leech. You are not the problem here.
Get a dog or cat. They won’t help with chores either, but they’ll be more loving.
Edit because I missed that you already have pets. That’s good. They’re good companions.
Get out now. You’re too young for this.
I would say ok easy fix for your depression.. peace out.. problem solved.. don’t waste your life on some man child. And definitely don’t have kids with him.
I agree with everyone leave him, until he is ready to fix himself and become an adult. Beware he may never reach the same level of adulthood as you, so I suggest you move on and find your happiness. You deserve it. He will drag you down. He needs Theraphy, and to work on himself. As long as you are there to care for him he has no motivation to grow up, he doesn’t need to. I’m sorry, but you have a child on your hands.. move on.
Seriously divorce is the best option
“I also forgot to mention he thinks it’s pointless to seek couples counseling because I am the problem so I myself should be seeking it”
Honestly this makes me question if this post is real. There is no way someone read this and thought “Yeah, I want my husband to stay.” I swear I read the craziest stuff on this sub.
If you stay with him, you will need to accept that you will have to raise your kids all by yourself. Love is someone respecting you and wanting to take care of you. Not just take, take, take!
Weaponized incompetence is common among men. Don’t put up with it or it will get worse.
What a catch. I can see why you want to stay with him.
Speaking from experience here , I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and married for 1 year. They’re still in college and work part-time on the weekends while I’m finished with college and work from home. I’m mostly supporting us financially since I want my partner to focus on their studies. Aside from that, I also clean the house, take out the trash, do the laundries, wash the dishes, buy groceries, cook, and anything else that needs to be done. My partner also tries to do these things when they have free time and put in a lot of effort to help me with whatever I need, but I’d tell them it’s ok and I just want them to focus on their schooling for now.
Point is, when you love someone, you just want to do whatever is best for them. You can’t help but care and love them with your all, even down to the small chores.
For your partner to be acting this way by victimizing himself and blaming you for how he is, is unhealthy and toxic, and it doesn’t seem they can take accountability for what they need to do in a relationship. Your partner is still a boy, not yet a man. He doesn’t love you like a man, and it’s time for him to reevaluate himself and for you to take a step back.
Look back at your post history OP – not even one year of marriage and he is gaslighting you, giving you silent treatment and treating you like his maid. You were blessed with the clarity that he is not the husband you thought he would be, and even better you learned this before children are involved. Leave him, focus on your studies and don’t look back. You deserve better.
Get rid of him.
He legitimately tried to weaponize his “depression” to make you feel bad for making him do the most basic of tasks.
Tell us, what do you like about him? What does he do for you?
This will not get better. Having kids with him will be an absolute nightmare. Leave now. You still have so much time to find an actual partner, and not someone looking for a mommy he can bang. Do not have children with this man. You will regret it, I guarantee it.
Dtmfa and move on with your life. You’re young and made a mistake, don’t make another one by staying with this person any longer. Divorce will suck and be hard, but it’ll be worth it.
Why would you be the cause of his depression? He just doesn’t want any responsibilities.
Yikes good thing you’re young with no kids, you know objectively what you need to do. You’re going to be much happier long term for short term pain.
If my husband said them things to me, I would walk away and never look back.
Wednesday May 20? Today is May 20 and it is Saturday??
I got married to a man like this when I was 19. I stayed, got a career, had children, worked full time, became a stay at home mom, and did everything for him and our family. He left me for another woman when I was 35. I love my child so much. They are the only reason I don’t feel like I wasted 16 years of my life. The divorce was brutal (I was a SAHM at the time with no income of my own). He resented every dime he had to pay in child and spousal support. It took me five years, and a ton of hard work to pull myself out of that mess. I met my current husband shortly after the divorce, but I vowed to never be in a situation where I couldn’t support myself or my children again. That was 15 years ago, and I have a great job where I am very proud of what I do, and I’m financially independent. I don’t need anyone to support me.
My point? Do not waste another single day with this m*n ch*ld. And when you meet someone new, DO NOT do all the mental and physical work in the relationship. Unfortunately, women of my generation were expected to not only work full time, and have babies, but to take care of the house, bills, children…everything. The thought of coming home from work and just…doing nothing but eating the meal someone else made for me is just unfathomable. Every GenX woman like me will tell you the same thing: LEAVE NOW!
This child is doing you a favor. Yes your going to be hurting but his toxic behavior isn’t okay let him go back to him mommy. He wants another mommy not a wife. My ex was just as lazy as your husband, when I got married I found hiw happy I was because we split everything 50 50 except for when he deploys then everything falls on me. But yoi will get through this one hour at a time. Start going to therapy so you can start healing girl.
He didn’t love you in the first place. He wanted a second mother, not a partner. Stay at your parents.
Sounds like ur already a mother…to him!! Let him go, if he can’t do the bare minimum for even HIMSELF then he’s not someone u should reproduce with. U sound way to grown/mature for him!! If u still wanna work it out just know ur essentially saying u except him doing less then nothing around the house bc he’s shown u that’s all u can expect from him!!