I’m unlikeable and seeking to get friendlier

I have not been adequately sociable since I was young. I was a geeky kid with little idea on what a friendship was, and felt excluded in the childish games and crushes and laughter. This is still an issue today. I make awful jokes and interject where I shouldn’t, and sometimes insecurity and negligence gets ahead of me and I drive others away. Or I fail to attract. In a peer group, I agitate. I’ve had people uninvolved with the conversation look over and comment.

I had already ruined two relationships this year due to my shortcomings. The first time, I hadn’t been responding to her messages and she became cold (irremediably so, so I step away). The second time, I complimented her and I was selfish to expect a compliment back, and she complimented my personality which struck a nerve in my desperately shallow head. Superficially, it results in strange looks, and more deeply – in my isolation.

I’m flawed and wrong-looking and wrong-acting, and I’ve been doing it for too long just to immediately shake it off and change. I don’t know where to exactly begin. I’m ashamed and wish I could restart. What are some (generic) things that I can pick up on and begin to do and keep in mind? And what would be helpful too, but perhaps a big ask…to chat with me personally and discuss? Thank yo