Something I’ve been struggling with for a while now. I bond with someone and seem to have great chemistry with, and as soon as I’m no longer present, I no longer exist to them.
Whether I meet someone at a gym, workplace, college, etc. They all disappear once I’m no longer around..as if I’m a comolete stranger. Just recently, left a job and I had seemingly great chemistry with a few people there. Upon trying to reach out to one of them, they completely utterly ignored me.
I’ve gotten burned so many times by different people that I am now afraid to open up and conndct with others now. If someone tries to connect with me, I’m afraid it’ll end the same exact way. I’m withdrawing from others. I don’t want to, but I’m tired of rejection, especially from people that do a 180.
Being alone sucks, but rejection hurts so much more.
Thoughts? Can you guys relate?
7 comments
I can relate completely. I made a post on here about a former coworker I was trying to reconnect with. I ended up messaging her on LinkedIn and have received no response. Oh well. Like you, I’m very careful about who I open up to, because if they’re just going to forget about me when I’m gone, then why did I share my personal life with them?
yes, even worst i had a group of friends i grew up with that i thought was family. considering we lived in different areas on the city limits, all of them ditched me when i became physically and financially better in life. your issue might not be as serious as that but sometimes people are like that, i’ve learned not to take it personal and you will find other people that you can relate and WONT ditch you for petty or insecure reasons.
Sounds like the work people were Work Friends Only. Have you ever done things with them OUTSIDE of work?
I mean, there are plenty of people who I get along great with when I see them, but they aren’t specifically friends of mine.
Maybe that’s what’s going on here.
You are a stranger to them. They didn’t open up to you the way you did.
Emotionally investing is hard. For whatever reason, they didn’t do it for you, like they don’t for most people. Maybe they needed permission to become friends, to hang out further. Maybe they don’t make personal friends from work.
I can’t be friends with everyone that wants to be friends with me. I would be emotionally exhausted. It takes many encounters before I actually think of someone as a friend, not as just someone I know. You didn’t hit that threshold.
Slow down your attachment to these people. Ask them to hang out, suggest a time and place, and if they don’t want to, then move on. Making friends is easier than dating, but only just slightly, and many of the patterns are the same. It will take time to find people that click with you the way you click with them. Give people an opportunity to get to know you, and find people that are excited to hang out with you. These weren’t your people.
I don’t know if it’s my luck but all my life I could never find “real friends” anywhere, even when I think I did they disappear on me every school break/ holiday, it’s as if our friendship doesn’t exist outside of school
i can relate. first off ‘friend’ is a loaded term these days… these folks were more likely acquaintances… figure out what your definition of a friend is… were these people that? most likely not. so, how much pain should you feel because you wanted to get to know someone more and they didn’t? honestly, probably not that much. there’s a myriad of reasons why someone may not want to become more friendly with you.
being ignored can happen for a bunch of reasons… maybe theyre going through a mid life crisis, maybe they are taking a break from social media, maybe they aren’t clear on what you want out of your message to them… so they get paralyzed because they don’t know how to respond…
i realized as you become older, most friendships become more transactional.
each person has to figure out what they want from that friendship without saying it out loud. because time is ticking.
in college it was easier making friends, now as adults people have to go on dates, file taxes, vacation, work, gym, etc… time is more precious. sometimes the reverse happens and as we age our childhood friends become a bit more closer…
if you have any red flag behavior (psychotic breakdown, always late, bad breathe, seriously overweight) it will be difficult keeping/making friends… as a baseline, generally people want to be around happy people, with nice teeth, in shape, good mental hygiene, etc. same religion, same sexuality, otherwise people will have their guard up and be less likely to invite you to things. people want secure people they can joke around and feel safe around…
there a bunch of people on this planet. making friends at work is difficult. for me, when i was myself it was easier to make work friends. i kept in touch with them and even slept on some of their couches during the pandemic. but we had a genuine connection… you have to find that genuine thing with your friends… like what is that thing you can stay up talking all night about with people… for some of my friends it music, human injustice, sexuality, queerness, other friends its health, fitness
finally, you matter. you might feel disposable but you matter. i’d say try making friends again but in different contexts and really try to understand that person. it can also be aggressive if you havent spoken to someone in years and immediately jump into hang out discussions. it can come off as if you want something from them.
Work friends usually can not be true friends. The dynamic is too competition based so 9/10 times the relationship will break the longer you both stay at the company.