Tldr below
I really don’t know how to say No to people and people take advantage of it, i want to understand what is it about my personality and mannerisms that makes people not respect me, cause I’m always the one that gets made fun of in every group/friends/family, a lot of time I’ve been treated very horribly and bullied by what I thought were my close friends and family, then they act like nothing happened, makes me think no one cares if I’m hurt, this has happened with every group I’ve been in, how can i stop being meek and overly nice? I’ve been told that I’m “too nice for my own good” how to stop it? Weird but i really want to know how can i be a bad person, that’s rude and commanding?
Idk how to set boundaries. How to say them? I try to set them but people just break them and laugh at my face, everyone treats me badly like I’m lower than them and no one respects me, thought being nice is all it takes but now i feel like there’s some secret nuance that idk about. I know you don’t know me so it’s hard to tell, but what could be the faults in my personality that this happens to me and no one else in the group? I don’t see others “declaring boundaries” they’re just themselves and they still get respected, that’s all i want to be treated equally, also pls explain how sometimes one guy becomes the unsaid leader of the group who no one makes fun of and everyone listens to, I’ve seen this invisible hierarchy in many friend groups where we’re all same age. I see a lot of phrases like “be assertive” but i don’t understand how to go about it, that’s why i want someone to explain in longer detail. I’ve noticed multiple times that people view me as very harmless, so much that get surprised when I curse, why? I don’t want to be harmless, how to stop this? They knew I’ll take the shit they’ll give me, and idk how to stop being this pushover and a people pleaser. ik all this happens to others too but i feel it’s a lot more extreme in my case.
TLDR: I request someone explain in lengthy detail: how can i stop being a pushover and a people pleaser? What do I do to stop coming off as meek and harmless? How to set boundaries and what if someone breaks them? How to be rude and stern when needed? I can’t call people out even when they’ve wronged me.What should I do if most people behave with me this way?
3 comments
People who know you as the a non assertive person will not respect you when you set boundaries. It only really works for new friends.
The person who needs to respect you is YOU. That’s where it all starts. What makes a person a People Pleaser? When they’re more worried about what the other person is thinking than what they themselves are thinking. In other words, the other person’s opinion is superior to your own.
So, you don’t fix this just by ‘acting differently.’ Because even YOU won’t believe yourself, so it’ll just come out awkward and weird, like a Mismatched Message.
The way to start building self-respect is from the ground up, and NOT in the middle of your social life. I’d start by doing a self-inventory, what are the things you LIKE about yourself? What are you good at? Things you’re naturally good at, and skills you’ve acquired. Construct yourself a Fan Club. Take a piece of paper and put a circle in the middle with your name or pic. (Draw some fun rays — you are the SUN!)
Then draw other circles in orbit as your “fans.” Yes, include mom and dad if you have a good relationship with them. Any family can be included. Don’t forget any dogs/cats if you have family pets! How about a neighbor who likes you? A childhood friend? A cousin you always got along with? A little kid who looks up to you? Someone you ‘help out’ as a charitable thing? A teacher whose class you did well in? Get creative with this exercise!
Use that as a basis for the beginnings of your Journey to Reclaim (or Build) your Self-Esteem. Now make a list of things you do for others. Chores for your family. Favors for whomever. Habits that improve the world.
Now, write a list of some things you can consider doing daily (small things) or weekly (bigger things) that make the planet a better place. Things like: smile at someone, hold a door open, greet someone you normally wouldn’t, pick up a piece of trash, let someone ahead of you in line, bring someone’s trash can in from the curb, compliment a teacher or professor, etc. Maybe even volunteer at a soup kitchen or an animal shelter. Start doing one or more of these things EVERY DAY.
These are called Pay-it-Forward exercises, or Random Acts of Kindness. The world is a better place because YOU SHOWED UP.
Finally, you need to solidify a few social skills that will give you confidence. Practice them with people like: grocery cashiers, gym attendants, store clerks, teachers/professors (on the way in or out of class), bank tellers, food service workers, coffee servers etc.
What to practice: your smile (light it up big when you make eye contact), your greeting (energetic), your tone (warm, friendly); you can practice making a comment, dropping a compliment, even a bit of humor. (don’t practice all of this at once, pick one or two to start) Do this EVERY day, and EVERY time you have a brief interaction.
Develop it into a superpower. THEN begin taking it to your social life with newly found confidence.
Once you have confidence, you’ll realize that your opinion actually matters MORE than everyone else’s when it comes to YOU and what you’re willing to do. You’ll discover that “Sorry, I can’t, but thanks for asking” is a COMPLETE answer, and doesn’t require any further explanations, or justification or excuses. You are allowed to say NO. You are allowed to NOT give a reason other than “that doesn’t work for me.” You’re even allowed to CHANGE YOUR MIND. “At the time I thought I could, but it turns out I won’t be able to. Sorry!”
And because you are a person who makes the planet a better place every day that you show up, and you have the ability to create a positive interaction everyplace you go, you’ll DEFEND your right to your opinions simply by NOT BUDGING. Just saying with a smile, “I understand you REALLY want me to do X, but it won’t work for me this time.”
And maintain your confident smile.
That’s as short as I can make the whole process of Learning How To Be Assertive.
I’m speaking both to you and to myself here, because following my own advice is tough, but I’m getting there.
I think it’s important to understand that everyone deserves basic respect and boundaries. I mean, if not, then why aren’t you going around and disrespecting others?
If it helps, try to think of it as demanding basic manners from people, because if everyone in society dropped all sense of manners and consideration, then society would be pretty ugly and unsustainable.