My ex gf (21F) and and I (21F) met each other sophomore year of college and instantly fell in love. We had the most happy relationship I’ve experienced at times. Other times, I think problems of repressed queerness and other personal issues made the relationship super tumultuous and we both had a lot of high emotions that would cause intense disagreements. We called it quits by the end of sophomore year and didn’t talk for the entire summer (3 months). Then we started hooking up again during the fall semester when we got back to school for junior year. It was a weird situationship but somehow our love for each other and genuine connection with one another was stronger than ever. She told me that she had hung out and even hooked up with my previous ex that whole summer. Obviously I was pretty upset by that but I loved spending time with her so much that I accepted her reasons for doing that (she was super upset about the breakup and didn’t know what to do) and my first ex was not the best person and I knew she was capable of a lot manipulation so I kind of blamed it mostly on her instead. When I left for study abroad at the end of the semester we left it on really good terms, and I made sure of that because it’s what I needed to feel good during my abroad semester away from her. On our last day together she asked if she could write me letters while I was gone as a solution to agreeing that keeping texting to a minimum would be best. I said yes, that I would like that. Fast forward to my time abroad, the mailmen misplaced a lot of my letters and the letters of others in my building and I was scared that she may have sent one and it would never get delivered to me. I didn’t want her to think I was ignoring her if this was the case so texted her letting her know what was happening with the mail. She never responded and then her friend texted me days later saying that I was crossing a boundary by texting her and that she (my ex) “would like you to please stop and hopes you’re having a great time abroad”. I replied very apologetic and just explained that I didn’t know that boundary was in place and obviously I won’t reach out to her again now knowing she wouldn’t like me to. Four months later I returned to the US and I reached out to the same friend of hers that had texted me asking if she knows if my ex would be open to hearing from me. Her friend replied that she “knows she is busy at home with her family so now would probably not be the best time, but I appreciate you checking with me”. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do now. I have three whole months before I’ll go back to school for senior year where we will be in the same city again. I’m still very much in love with her and think about her all the time, and the confusion about this situation only made me think about it more. It will have been 9 months since seeing each other when I go back to school and I feel like I have changed a lot during this time apart already and that I have a lot of new healthy habits and a new sense of maturity to bring to our relationship. That being said, the three months of not talking after our breakup as well as this period of no contact were not communicated with me both times. Instead, she ghosted me, and that lack of communication hurts me so much more and sets back my ability to understand what’s happening and move on by a lot; I don’t think it’s fair and I could never do that to her if the roles were reversed. I know that what she would tell me that the reason she is not speaking to me is because she is hurting too much to talk to me because that’s what she told me during our situationship about ghosting me after our breakup, but ive never understood that logic. I’m torn because I think yes we can benefit from this time apart, but the ghosting really hurts me and it will be hard for me to believe she won’t do it again if I get involved with her during senior year. I think our connection is very special and rare and that’s why I’m holding onto it. Keep in mind, I’m a queer woman who doesn’t often find herself attracted to many people and needs a lot of emotional congruence to love someone like this. This August when we are back at school it will be two years of loving her and not being able to find that connection with anyone else. I don’t know if I should let her know that I’m ready to try again or if I should try to keep the distance and not risk this relationship failing again during my last year of college. Advice needed!
TL;DR:
My ex gf has ghosted me twice, but I’m not over her. We had very strong feelings for each other and I think if I told her I’m ready to try again after a period of distance she would be too. Is this a bad idea?
7 comments
Honestly, it sounds like she is trying to move on. If she wanted to talk to you, she would. Maybe it’s time for you to move on as well. I get the caveat about relationships being rare for you given your circumstances, but they’re going to be a lot rarer if you sit around pining for an ex.
If she gets back into contact, and you’re still interested in being together, cool. But you shouldn’t make being with this girl your primary focus.
No, it’s a place of control and manipulation and mind Fuckery
Ghosting from a place of love? 😂 sorry to laugh, but no. No it’s not. Next.
They do that to keep you at home, wondering where they’re at what they’re doing so they can be out with other endeavors more than likely sexual
What are you all doing whenever you’re ghosting your ex that’s what she’s doing
she doesn’t want to talk, leave her alone. there’s other fish in the sea. you’re only a senior in college, so 22/23ish? there’s no rush to be in love so young. live your life for you. don’t base your college experience on this one person.
If you both “called it quits” after sophomore year, she didn’t ghost you by not communicating with you that summer. And for your semester abroad, you said you “left it on good terms,” which again implies a break-up situation.
The language you’re using suggests that you mutually agreed that you were not dating each other at those times. It sounds like she thought one thing (break up with minimal or no contact), and you thought another thing (break up with more contact/ letters/ texting and the possibility of picking back up when you got back). After confirming with the friend that she doesn’t want to date/see you again, I’d say it’s pretty clear that it is over.
I’m sorry, I’m sure it is not fun to face a more abrupt end to a relationship than you were expecting. Dissecting her motivations for why and how she ended it won’t do you any good, and will just keep you focused on her. You should focus on accepting the break up and healing from it so that you can start the next semester without worrying about her.