In the past few years, I have shared things about my life (mostly details about my daily relationship with female co-workers and a female family friend that is comfortable swearing around me) that not only have been considered as being honest but has got me accused of not being faithful and being flirty.
This might be too few details for you to give me any advice but briefly put, do you share EVERYTHING with your wife? Or do you sometimes keep things that you think will make your wife jealous or suspicious?
At this point, I see that our options are:
1. I stop being so honest and just shut up about thing that my wife doesn’t wanna hear. Which is not an option I prefer.
2. I change the way I behave around women so that they don’t feel comfortable enough to become friends with me. This option doesn’t seem very health, either.
3. I ask my wife to change her mindset. I have mentioned to her before that we need to see a therapist about this because what I have told her are honest and innocent relationships that are considered unfaithful and low-key cheating by my wife.
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Always.
honesty is super-important IMO, and I try to always be honest with my wife. Now, there are a couple of areas that make her uncomfortable. So I just don’t bring them up. If she asks, I will tell her the truth.
So in my mind, there’s a fourth option – don’t bring it up. But if you don’t feel that’s appropriate, then 3 is the correct option. She may have some sort of trauma that puts her in this mindset. Your female friendships may also be more intimate than you realize (not saying you’re cheating!). Both of those topics can be explored in therapy. Keep an open mind that you may be more flirty than you realize!
To answer the question in your title; of course not.
Whether or not you choose to change how you interact with other women is up to you. In the end, it’s all about being practical.
If she won’t let you be honest, you aren’t in a relationship.
I don’t do anything that would make my wife jealous or suspicious. I don’t make friends with female co-workers and I don’t spend time with any women that aren’t blood relatives.
Sometimes I don’t tell my wife when she has bad breath.
That said, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Female coworker I became friends with, hung out a bunch, always told my wife. I could tell she wasn’t a fan, but I felt like honesty was the best policy. What saved me in the end was when this person expressed an interest in me sexually and I shut down the whole situation and ended the friendship. I immediately told my wife, which seems to have earned that trust.
I don’t have many female friends outside of couple friendships these days, but it was never a question again.
#3 is the only real option. Make sure to frame it appropriately when you discuss with your wife.
**Bad** – I’m signing us up for couple’s therapy because your jealousy is freaking crazy
**Good** – I want us to sit with a neutral arbiter who can help us resolve these issues
I personally tell my wife everything. There was a woman who sparked my interest a few months ago and I walked away from our conversation with that excited ‘new infatuation’ feeling. Maybe if I just kept that feeling to myself, it would’ve grown over time. I could have ended up talking to that woman more, maybe meeting up for a sneaky coffee or dinner, until eventually it culminated in some messy marriage-wrecking sexual affair.
I’ll never know because I told my wife about it that very night. We had a good laugh about it and then promptly forgot all about it. I’m serious about keeping my marriage healthy and sunshine is the best disinfectant.
100% honest with my wife of 26 years.
Option 4: Don’t mention going to a marriage counselor, schedule an appointment with one. Let your wife know and go with or without her. Show her how serious you are about your relationship by taking the step(s) to improve it.
Something is going on with your wife and/or your marriage that has her so jealous of other women in your life. That needs to be discovered, discussed, and remedied. It could be that you are more flirty than you realize and your wife doesn’t know how to verbalize that. It could be that she has some super insecurities that need to be addressed and resolved. It could be MANY other things. but without proper communication and possible therapy, it will never be resolved.
Marriage counseling is not like most movies where they determine who is wrong and who is right, 95% of marriage counseling is a communication class. Learning how to speak to be understood and how to listen to understand. So even if you go solo, you will learn about how to be a better communicator with your wife.
In relationships I’ve always been honest about everything. The only exceptions are what’s going on in my head sometimes. I’ve found out the hard way that when women say “open up to me” they mean “tell me the things I want to hear”. If I’m feeling down, or unsure, or am second guessing myself, I can never share those thoughts.
Ask yourself, if your wife did the same thing you are doing, would you be okay with it?
It is okay to not be 100% upfront with your thoughts and feelings. But, you should never do anything that you feel that you need to hide. That just means that you know it is wrong.
I don’t do anything that wouldn’t be comfortable to share with my wife. I think if you’re doing things you know are crossing boundaries, you need to take a serious look at if you even want to continue the relationship. It’s better to break up than to cheat IMO
Sure, there are little things I don’t share. Like, I picked my nose a few minutes ago. That’s not necessary to share but I also would be fine sharing it
No one is ever completely honest about everything with anyone, and if you believe you are, you aren’t honest with yourself.
Is she also being honest? Are you sure?
I do not keep secrets from my wife. Ever. But then, she’s the kind of woman who will be like, “Hey, look at the mommy milkers on that blonde over there!” Not that she’s bi, but she knows I’m a boob man and wouldn’t want me to miss a set like that blonde over there has.
That said, were my wife to be the jealous type I would likely push for option 3.