I (25F) have been with my partner (26M) for a little over 6 years. He was my first sexual experience, which I think may be contributing to my dilemma.
Our first few years we had sex often. Especially the first year, it was new and exiting. And being younger, inexperienced, and insecure I thought I “had to” have sex with him to keep him around and keep him happy. Our relationship is much more stable now, I’m no longer insecure or afraid that he’ll leave me if we don’t have sex often.
I think having that kind of sex early on though sort of messed me up. I was having a lot of sex that I don’t think I necessarily wanted to have and doing things I didn’t really want to do because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do as a girlfriend. Almost every time I had sex I would “act” how I saw people in porn act because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I grew up sheltered, in Catholic school, with no sex education. I grew up learning sex was for the man. So I acted accordingly.
Now, in the recent year I’ve lost my “libido” (that I suspect I never actually had in the first place, that it was mainly just acting). My partner is *so* accommodating and understanding. He’s so patient with me. But whenever I do try to attempt to have sex I feel *so* awkward. I want to be intimate and loving, but I’ve only ever had sex where I was acting and performing. Now, I can’t make eye contact, I can’t do anything buy lay there, I can’t truly relax and have a fun time. I’m so comfortable around my partner any other time, but sex makes me feel… almost shameful. And awkward. It makes me panic and I often have to stop before we do anything.
I want to be having the kind of casual, fun, loving sex that people in long term relationships have but I can’t. I don’t know how.
I’m just frustrated. I guess I’m looking for advice or similar experiences.