My bf [30] and I [F24]have been together for almost 4 years. And he is an amazing person and a boyfriend to me. He is my first and only sexual partner till now.
We were doing long distance for a very long time and we could only meet a couple of times a year which means the sex was vey limited. This year we started living closer to each other so we’ve been having sex a lot lately.
The sex overall is good for us. We have sex almost every time we meet. Our sex drives seem to be different, mine is higher than his, so, even on the days we aren’t able to have PIV sex, we try other things which is good enough.
So, a little background, I felt that I always had to take the charge in bed because he wasn’t very comfortable with his body and hence my efforts were reciprocated very less in bed. When I conveyed this to him, he tried to improve on it by taking charge more than he used to which I appreciate a lot, but the reciprocation still seems lacking, as in, I tend to give a lot of foreplay because I find it to be very exciting and it makes him feel so good so I absolutely love it. But, I also need more foreplay. PIV alone doesn’t do it for me. I need it more than he does and even during PIV, I need some play (more than just touching and kissing), it works for me more than other things. He is uncomfortable with a couple of things like going down on me, fingering and touching me down there.
He says that things come easy at my age but it’s different at his age, they don’t come as smoothly and people need time to get comfortable with things they haven’t done before. I know he isn’t making an excuse because he also seems to get uncomfortable in agreeing to the new things that we tried (on him) and which he loved (drove him crazy) because he is awkward/shy/uncomfortable/unfamiliar with it. I have to insist to get him to agree to the new act which he absolutely loved. So I do understand that it takes time sometimes for one to get comfortable enough with certain things when you haven’t done those before but I feel that I have given him enough time to get comfortable with it.
He has tried doing a couple of things which I loved and he even tells me that he wants to do inculcate them because he loved how it makes me feel but but he isn’t comfortable with it enough. He said that he is trying to get comfortable with it. But he hasn’t been able to. While I understand that it’s not entirely his fault, it still makes me feel a lack sometimes. And sometimes, I don’t know why, but it leaves me feeling emotionally unfulfilled too.
I have tried to guide him to do more foreplay (I don’t ask him to go down on me cause I don’t wanna force him) a lot of times but he only seems to stick to the upper body. It works for me but there’s more that can be done.
I tried talking to him recently and he told me that he is trying his best and it is in no way even close to what I give him. I told him that I need him to give me more foreplay, even if it is close to half of what I give him would work. He told me that he is trying his best and this the most he can do because he isn’t comfortable with a lot of things yet, and it is difficult for him to get comfortable with it and it’s better if I expect the least from him in that case, it’ll keep me happier.
I don’t know how to take it or interpret it. I’m sure he said that in defensive mode but it still hurt me a lot. He is a very nice person and a great and a loving partner and tries to do everything he can.
How do I Deal with it? How do I navigate through it?
1 comment
This confused me: “He says that things come easy at my age but it’s different at his age, they don’t come as smoothly and people need time to get comfortable with things they haven’t done before.” Is he younger or older? You say he’s your first sexual partner, so I’m guessing older, but how is foreplay something he hasn’t done before if he is older? Or maybe he is younger and just expects things to come easier for you even though he is your first?? It doesn’t make sense to me, but he sounds pretty immature and unwilling to make an effort either way.