I’m M 28, and I’ve always had what I thought was a good relationship with my mom. My whole life she has had a habit of laughing at me when I’m trying to be serious. When I told her about things I’d done that I was proud of or showed her something I made, she’d often laugh. Not always, but enough that I’ve asked her to stop many times, and she’ll tell me to lighten up.
At the start of 2021 I suffered months of medical neglect that left me disabled long-term. Once I was out of that situation and starting to recover, I developed intense psychogenic side effects (I learned later I had PTSD among other things). It was absolutely terrifying, and I was losing control of myself frequently. I won’t go into much detail for my own privacy, but I called my mom shaking and crying, and told her in private that something was really wrong with me, and that I thought I might be developing schizophrenia.
She laughed at me. Not like a subtle little chuckle, she was laughing so hard that she stopped our conversation to go tell her husband. I couldn’t speak. I just silently cried and hung up the phone. Later when I told my brother, he called her to scream at her about it (he had been taking me to the hospital a lot). She actually called me back later to cry about how he’d spoken to her, “i’ve done so much for him” yada yada. I actually apologized on his behalf. I deeply regret that–he stood up for me. But I needed her and I loved her, and I accepted her apology and tried to move past it. I admittedly have gaps in my memory following that.
Now I work in her town and we see each other more often. She still laughs at me. I still brush it off and move on, but she made a comment last week that really punctured my self confidence. I told her that what she said had basically ruined my weekend and to please not make jokes at my expense. She gave me a very “sorry you feel that way but I guess you don’t get my sense of humor” non apology, and said maybe we needed space. I brushed it off, said sorry, and said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Two days later she sent me a message unprovoked telling me I needed to work on being so sensitive. Something in me kind of broke. I said I agreed that we could use some space, I said I loved her, and she said she loved me too. Then I blocked her number.
I don’t remember if she ever made up for laughing at me when I was sick. I’ve just been going over what I do remember, things she’s said, and realized how desperately I’ve been trying to get her to respect me when she clearly just doesn’t. I’m not convinced she even likes me. She cares more about making jokes at my expense than how they make me feel. I realized she just makes me feel awful all the time, and I don’t feel like trying with her anymore. I think this is the last I’ll speak to her for a long time, and it’s more about how she doesn’t seem to have grown past that insensitivity from when I was sick than the actual comment she made. She eventually helped care for me when she could, but she didn’t take me seriously until I was hospitalized.
I don’t know if I should tell my siblings why I’m cutting her off, because my brother would likely take my side. I don’t want to make a big mess of future family gatherings. I’m fine just skipping out on certain events anyway, but they are going to ask at some point. I don’t really know how to process all this, I just feel very hurt, and am looking for suggestions on if I should explain this to her, to my siblings, or just block her and be done.
tl;dr: 2 years ago mom laughed when I called and told her I might be very ill, and even though I forgave her she hasn’t seemed to grow past this kind of behavior. I finally decided I’m done talking to her for a long time, but need advice on what to do with my siblings. I love them and want to stay involved with them.
18 comments
It’s too triggering for me to go into depth, but you should check out r/raisedbynarcissists
It sounds very much like your mother is one, and it’s very important that you should know that none of this is your fault, even though she’s probably spent your whole life convincing you it is.
Good luck.
I’d say block her and be done with it. You don’t owe her an explanation and even if you tried to explain she probably dismiss you feelings. You can tell your siblings the situation of your comfortable to do so. May d start with your brother that you know us supportive then work your way around to the rest. If any of them try to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries with her then set boundaries with them but don’t let anyone talk you out of doing what’s best for you (which is in this case, going no contact with your toxic mother)
If anything you’re not being sensitive enough.
I could forgive somone….. eventually for laughing when I called them with an emotional crisis.
I wouldn’t abide being told I’m just being too sensitive about somone mocking and laugh when I’m at my lowest. That’s when I’d tell them to go sit on a cactus and spin around a bit, and maybe Ill send them some flowers to their funeral in 20 years. If I still remember their name.
If you were in a personal relationship with someone like this, you would immediately recognize it as a bad relationship. But because she’s your mother, theirs a certain amount of denial. Either way it’s not emotionally healthy for you.
Your mom is a bully. Maybe not all the time, but that’s part of an abuser’s MO, too. She’s nice to you sometimes so you’re left walking on eggshells because you never know when that’s going to change and it can change on a dime.
Basically it’s two sides of the same coin. Her treating you with kindness is the setup for her cruelty.
I was about 24 when I finally accepted that my mom was never going to be a true mother to me. (Different issues, but the same result.) I know the sadness you’re feeling. You’re basically grieving a relationship that never was. Give yourself some time to mourn and know that it’s okay to be sad for a while. Treat yourself with compassion. Reach out to your brother and other family/friends for support. Look into getting some therapy if you can. Take care of you, OP.
She’s either willfully ignorant or just thinks you’re a joke. I see these stories time and time again, describing a full grown, older adult doing a repetitive behavior they harms someone and they rarely ever change. It’s sad and depressing. Look out for your self.
Please tell your siblings, they may have gone through the same as you. I’m sure they would want to help you, especially the brother that you called and had a go at her. I really think he would be willing to help you. And never ever apologise to her again. If anything, she’s the one that should be saying sorry (not you)
I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re really hurting. To be a devil’s advocate, there are some people who cope with uncomfortable situations by laughing. Not laughing at you, but the at the situation. To make light of it at the time. No clue what the case is here. Does she laugh at other family members? Have other people pointed out her being insensitive or bad sense of humor? At the very least I would take a break from her. If she asks why, say that her actions hurt you deeply at a time you were in distress. If she’s unable to apologize, then sadly may be healthier not to have her in your life.
I was estranged from my father for most of my adult years and my paternal grandfather hated it. He would always bring it up and try to pressure me to resume contact. I always replied with something along the times of:
I know you love both of us and that it’s upsetting and confusing for you that we don’t have a relationship. It’s incredibly painful for me to not have a relationship with my father and it’s not a decision I made lightly. I wish it were different, but I need you to respect that I made the best decision I could.
They need to know exactly why you are not always there. They will start thinking you are making excuses to avoid them which is not true.
If they ask tell them the truth. It is their choice if they want to take sides.
Good luck
I think you should tell them what you’ve shared here. And I think it would be less disruptive for everyone involved if you just ask them to buffer. Running interference and deliver excused absence. It doesn’t require them to take sides; it just means they stop just taking your mom’s side. Knowing she’s forever acting this way and they’ve reached adulthood means they are aware and do nothing as it stands now. You’d be asking them to be aware you want to be scarce where she is involved. I wouldn’t even block her unless you can’t resist answering. This can be a family project because mom doesn’t default to “in charge” anymore. You can decide event by event when you want to attend. People other than your parents can organize and host for different holidays. It doesn’t have to be one person driving a wedge into things like she’s been doing.
Sounds like you have mental problems, forgive your mother and grow some hard skin. Make a list of what you can use her for. And when your down call people that are sensitive she is just wired differently and when you want to laugh you call her. When you forgive someone then you treat them before they hurt you, your now are not doing that.
No decent parent would laugh at their child (no matter what age) when they were in pain. Full stop.
During a conversation where we were laughing and joking, my mum she said something that made me burst into tears as she really upset me but she thought I was joking, so she laughed and I ended up walking away from her to cool off, when she realised how upset I was she broke down sobbing. She felt so guilty that she had hurt me and upset at herself. She sent me a text saying how sorry she was and when I was ready she wanted to give me a hug and make it right. I calmed down after a couple of hours (all of which she was still crying.) and let her apologise, she never once said I was too sensitive, only that she was in the wrong. That’s how a good mum should react. Your mum laughed at her baby ( yes you’re a full grown man but in a loving mother’s eyes you’ll always be their baby) when he was hurting, that’s not right.
When you are ready I would tell your siblings, just for support more than anything.
She can’t genuinely say she is sorry to you, she’s only sorry that you feel that way…that isn’t an apology. That’s her being a shitty person and putting the blame on you.
Your brother sounds like a person who you can trust and who will uplift you instead of pushing you down like your mum.
I hope you can move forward and get to a better place for yourself.
In our 20s my sister dropped a bombshell on myself and our other siblings that involved in part our mother. I was so proud of her finding the strength to tell us, I wanted to be able to have her back, love and support her. There were times they were NC or LC. Sadly mum could never acknowledge her role or apologise for her wrong doings. Share your hurt with your siblings, you deserve to be loved and supported
Sweetheart. I’m so sorry. My mother mocked me last weekend for being an alcoholic. Something I am trying very hard to combat. I don’t want to be an alcoholic. She said to me, “well if you can even remember our conversation…” I did remember it. I wasn’t drunk. She then mocked me stuttering over the word “what”. I don’t normally stutter, but I did in this case. I was shocked she was being so mean. Sometimes mothers are just the worst and you have to cut them off. Last weekend I decided NC was the only way to move forward with my mom.
A lot of the comments here are jumping into blocking / cutting her off, and I want to offer a different perspective.
Have you ever told her how you feel about all this? Does she know how she’s made you feel? I’m not suggesting that she should be excused for not noticing it, or checking in with you more regularly, but I often find myself surprised of how unaware others can be if what’s going on in my head.
Find a time when you feel emotionally regulated and ready to have the conversation. Meet her for lunch or something casual where you can both focus on the conversation and tell her how you feel.
If she laughs at you again or reacts angrily, then you can cut ties. But I think you need to have the conversation first.
A lot of the comments here are jumping into blocking / cutting her off, and I want to offer a different perspective.
Have you ever told her how you feel about all this? Does she know how she’s made you feel? I’m not suggesting that she should be excused for not noticing it, or checking in with you more regularly, but I often find myself surprised of how unaware others can be if what’s going on in my head.
Find a time when you feel emotionally regulated and ready to have the conversation. Meet her for lunch or something casual where you can both focus on the conversation and tell her how you feel.
If she laughs at you again or reacts angrily, then you can cut ties. But I think you need to have the conversation first.
I think you should tell your siblings. If you don’t, and they continue a relationship with your mom, you may develop some resentment or distrust towards them. Don’t put them in that position to have a relationship with a generally unkind person and potentially lose their relationship with you. I know I’d want to know if my mom treated my siblings that way.