TL;DR! I am done with my husband’s toxic friends and want them gone but I don’t know how it approach the situation.
I (25F) want my husband (27M) to cut his toxic friends. I’ve had enough of them and we both deserve better.
When my husband and I began dating, these sole friends were always a problem. It’s a huge group of them and four of them were continually a problem. They spoke vulgar language and constantly made sexist jokes or crude sexual jokes about women that I don’t want to repeat because Reddit probably doesn’t allow it. I expressed to my husband that this bothered me. He asked them to stop speaking like that in front of me, but they didn’t. Only one of them stopped and actually apologized if they had offended me in some way.
Because of their vulgar behavior, we argued about having them at the wedding. Since they had caused so many problems and I was worried about them behaving for our special day, I didn’t want them there. He continued to push. I also resented them because it seemed like they were more important at times. We fought about this and it blew up, resulting in a breakup. He had even given me an ultimatum that either the friends come or we don’t get married. The friends encouraged that breakup and talked massive crap online when we broke up. Because of them, I was devastated. I was so depressed that I had to go to therapy to actually attempt to make it through the day. A few weeks later, we got back together and went to counseling.
The counselor didn’t help much. She encouraged me to forgive the friends and move on because that’s the “Christian way” to respond. I’ll forgive them but I’ll never forget what they did. I think have a right to never be comfortable around them again and I’m never going to be, but whatever. I allowed them to come to our wedding because I was scared my fiancé would break up with me again if I pushed back. I loved him and I didn’t want to lose him.
They behaved but I couldn’t stand looking at them on that day knowing that it might never have happened because of them.
I’ve spoken to a pastor since then because I wanted to get another opinion. He said my husband should cut these toxic ones off and stick with the ones who were always polite and supportive. I agree and I want to confront him about this but I’m unsure of how to. I’m his wife and I feel like my feelings matter too but sometimes it feels like their feelings matter more. I put him first all the time. If a friend of mine made him upset or uncomfortable, I’d confront the situation. If it continued, they would be gone. If you can’t respect my husband, then you don’t respect me. That’s the way I see it.
We hardly ever fight, but when we do, it’s because of those toxic ones. If he could just get rid of those, I think our marriage would improve drastically. He’s a good man and I believe he does love me and wants to prioritize me, but when it comes to those friends, he falls short. I know he can be better. I just don’t know how to confront this situation.
I don’t know what to do and need help. What do I need to do to approach this situation?
4 comments
Well there was a thread just now about a guy complaining that his gf doesn’t like his friends. And the guy describes his friends and they’re all extremely immature, gross and predatory. I was shocked that the gf hadn’t just dumped the guy yet.
I mean, I have to genuinely ask: why did you marry this guy knowing that his friends are like this and they bother you this much and your husband has always sided with them? You guys even did break up and his friends were HAPPY about it. Like wtf??? You had your out at that point but you went back. I’m sorry but that part is on you. Also, stop getting advice from religious people. They are biased in their worldview and they see everything through the lens of God and whatnot. Find a real therapist to talk to.
Is your husband religious as well? Does he have a religious leader he’s close to who could talk with him on your behalf? There are very few religions that would tolerate your husbands’ friends’ behavior.
Unfortunately, this is the man you married. He’s very clear this is the type of man he is, and these are the type of men he associates with. *You* chose that. This is the life you chose. That’s going to be a hard pill to swallow if divorce is not on the table.
You messed up when you married a grown man who places his relationship with other disrespectful men above his romantic relationship with a woman, one who he was slated to marry at that. Not sure where your head is but that should’ve turned you completely off and raised so many red flags.
I mean this kindly, but why are you surprised that choosing to marry a man who encourages his toxic friends has resulted in you having those toxic friends in your life?