A few months ago I found out that my fiancée slept with one of our mutual friends a week before we went on our first date. I found out by reading her journal by accident (fell off nightstand, opened to when we started dating) and brought it up to her. She told me the truth and She says it wasn’t any of my business and was a one time thing, that she wasn’t going to tell me because it was purely physical, she was drunk, and is embarrassed by it.
I see her side but can’t help but think that she should have told me? When we first started dating, she and I would hang out at the same bar as the guy and would run into him once a week or so. Looking back, it makes me feel bad that she and this guy had a little secret going on, when historically her and I (we dated 7 years ago) used to keep all the secrets from others.
The guy is kind of gross to me, covered in tattoos, alcoholic, sleeps with lots of women but never dates anyone. It perplexes me what my partner found attractive about this guy, but she said that she had been on a bunch of terrible dates prior and just wanted to have sex with someone who wouldn’t be obsessed with her after. Bad timing (or good, seeing that they only slept together once) on my part that I asked her out a few days after and we’v been very happy ever since.
What I seem to get caught up on is the fact that I’m weighing more heavily on the fact that they did it, moreso than the fact that it was a one time thing, they didn’t get or try to keep up with each other after, and I came in and swooped her up after. It feels weird having had a friend (I am no longer friends with this guy, unfollowed on social media, we don’t go to that bar anymore) who’s slept with my fiancée.
TL;DR – Retroactively jealous of my partner banging a total sleazebag type guy before we started dating. I found out a few months ago and it’s been bothering me that she would think that’s attractive at the time, and that it was so close to when we started dating.
5 comments
There’s no other answer to this other than you have to get over this.
She did have intercourses with other people before that for sure though, right? If yes and they don’t bother you, don’t see why this particular one should.
For a future note, don’t read people’s journals. You’re always in for a bad time
Get over it, she’s allowed to have a past, as are you. In the future, if you don’t wanna know then don’t snoop/ask.
>>I found out by reading her journal by accident (fell off nightstand, opened to when we started dating) and brought it up to he
uh-huh
That being said, it’s always seemed silly to me to put so much stock in a 1-time hookup between friends? People in friend groups sometimes have sex and move on as friends and really think no more about it. Being all “I say sir! You have once seen my gf naked and now I shall shun you!” seems kind of immature to me? You’re actually making more of it than it was, and dragging the past into the present that way?
>I found out by reading her journal by accident (fell off nightstand, opened to when we started dating)
I find it a *liiiiittle* hard to believe that her journal was out in the open, fell off the nightstand with you there and your partner not around, perfectly opened to that specific page on which she did something you now find hard to accept and OOPS! you accidentally read the entire entry! But okay, sure, let’s go with that.
You weren’t dating. She slept with someone else before you started dating. They didn’t have feelings, it was a one time thing, she regretted it, and it was none of your business.
>When we first started dating, she and I would hang out at the same bar as the guy and would run into him once a week or so.
In what way does that mean she should reveal her sexual history to you un-asked?
You say you’re getting jealous. Okay. It’s good that you recognize and acknowledge having negative, unhelpful feelings. Now recognize and acknowledge that this is purely on you, and something you’ll have to figure out and get past – because your partner did nothing wrong, and you’re making a mountain out of nothing.
And next time, don’t snoop.