I’m 21 M, african and I have just moved to the UK for masters. I didn’t know anyone and I wanted to meet new people so I decided to go on this field trip the school had organized.
When I got on the bus, people already knew each other so I sat all alone but I was determined to talk to someone today. Eventually this girl sits beside me, 18ish british, probably s first year.
We talked through the trip and she eventually started telling me her issues with her father, why she fears men and a lot of trauma, I listened properly.
We spent the whole day together since she knew the whole place and had been there before. We even cracked jokes and stuff.
Eventually, the trip ended and we got back to school, I didn’t take her number because I didn’t want to feel rude or weird so we said our goodbyes.
The next day, I see her on the streets, I called out to her but she avoided and kept walking faster, it was embarrassing. Eventually I reached her and she recognized but walked away faster.
Did I do something wrong?
I didn’t scream her name from afar or anything , I was a bit close to her but she ran away from me.
Someone said she was shy? Could that be the case?
TL DR
Went on a trip with a girl but she ignored me the next day.
Edit: thanks for the advice, this actually happened November last year, I’ve avoided her everywhere I saw her in the school. Just want to clarify that I was not hitting on her nor did I offer or ask for friendship, I understand in the comments that I read some social cues really badly and I’ll be more vigilant when next I meet another western person.
Fawning must have been what she was doing, there were other seats on the bus but she sat next to me so I’m not so sure.
I can finally move on, it’s been boggling my mind for a while🤣
22 comments
She said she is afraid of men. So I’d leave her alone, and if she talks to you again she’s coming to you for friendship. Then be a friend but let her come to you
sorry buddy, she’s scared to death of your presence. otherwise she wouldn’t run away at the sight of you
sorry buddy, she’s scared to death of your presence. otherwise she wouldn’t run away at the sight of you
I feel there’s a lot missing from your side of the story…
probably best to leave her alone
Why didn’t you just let her go after she ignored you the first time? You knew that she was intentionally avoiding you and you got embarrassed, but then you ran after her? Why? Were you angry that she ignored you? You also say that you were, “a bit close to her.” Maybe too close?
Honestly she was probably thinking, “great, I hung out this guy *once* and now he thinks we’re best friends or gonna date or something.” Pair that with her fear of men and her actions make sense. Just leave her alone.
Edit: she probably also thought it was weird that you just happen to run into her the next day. Maybe she thinks you’re stalking her.
Treat her the way you treat a dead person ,pay your respects & move on.
You never run after a woman you barely know, that can be misinterpreted easily. Your case is even worse since she told you she fears men. She was clearly afraid of you.
The more you try to contact her the creepier it will be. Just do as if you never talked to her.
I think this may be differences in culture and maybe a culture shock experience. Perhaps, you only overshare with people who are your friends and think everyone does the same. The fact that someone talked to you once and overshared does not mean they consider you as a friend. Probably they just wanted to vent.
I think it will take time to blend into a new country and a new culture. You should also be careful as this may be interpreted as harassment. If someone is running away from you, just let them go.
You definitely shouldn’t have kept after her, but she doesn’t sound worth your time anyway, trauma-dumpers are exhausting and tend to treat you like a free therapist
and this is why I dont chase girls lol
When a woman on the street speeds up to get away from you it is a not a good idea to follow her. Next time just give a new acquaintance a friendly wave & let them decide whether to approach you.
Sometimes people talk to you out of politeness. I’ve had a lot of uncomfortable encounters whers a guy starts talking to me and I try to be friendly throughout the conversation but not because I’m necessarily enjoying it.
Life and socialization can be confusing for sure. U may not have done anything wrong at all but she just doesn’t feel like wanting to connect with you and that’s alright. Just move on and don’t think too much about it.
I assume it’s because in Africa everyone is more friendly, correct? Western countries are notorious for being ‘cold’. Obviously, there are reasons for it, like people are saying trauma etc, but it appears to be cultural more than anything.
you may or may not have made her uncomfortable can’t really tell from your story.
if someone doesn’t want to be your friend take it on the chin and forget about it.
Shes got some trauma, a man yelling for her in the street could have easily set of a fight or flight panic response. I wouldn’t take it personally, it’s an unfortunate reality of being a woman. Give her time
Anyone who tells you about all their trauma immediately after meeting you is a little bit nutty. Don’t overthink it. You didn’t do anything wrong. I think that girl just has some issues.
just let her be
Reminds me of me.
I had normal positive interactions with the gym sales guy
Next day, shit next couple weeks I’m ghosting the gym cause I don’t want to interact with him or anyone who works there
I’m just at a place in my life where I want to just demo human interaction and not sign up for the subscription plan. Right now I can only take people in small doses. Hopefully when I come back I’ll just blend in without having to talk to anyone. I can just check in and go about my business.
Don’t take it personally, sounds like shes got her own issues, also don’t pursue people, I’m sure you meant nothing by it but it’s never perceived well.
1) Instead of saying that you spent “the whole day” with her, maybe you would be more accurate to just say how many hours, since this was a school field trip.
2) Instead of saying you went on a trip WITH her, you might want to acknowledge that both of you were obligated to be on that trip, she was going to be there regardless of you; it might not have been her intention to be your company.
3) With both of these in mind, you may have overstayed your welcome on the field trip. Thinking of it this way, how many older relatives do you have that you greet them and ask them how they are doing and are met with far more conversation than you wanted to have? What if that same older relative decided that because you talked once that meant that you were going to “spend the whole day together”.
4) I also think it’s worth noting that people don’t always straightforward say what’s on their mind, and equally we have the right to decide who to let in our inner space. I cannot imagine being a man and weighing if I should ask for the phone number of a fresh-from-high-school woman who looked me in the eye and told me she doesn’t trust men, in fact, she fears us. Whatever headspace that she’s in right now, it’s not one that can cultivate a relationship with a man. As a woman, I can’t think back to being that age and saying that I fear men and that not being part of me saying that I don’t want the man talking to me to take it personally when I am asking him to leave me alone. Imagine if she has said more specifically that she fears *black* men. Would you have felt like that was more of a red flag? You are saying that you listened intently to her, but did you ask her if based off of how she described her feelings if she wanted to spend more time alone with you? Did she initiate the two of you touring together? Did she ask you to join her? So she also never brought up exchanging contact information? Did she ever say that she wanted to meet up with you back at the university? Did she ever tell you where she lived in University and asked you where you lived?
The only dialogue that you have given us for this entire story, for saying that you spent “the entire day with her” is dialogue where she says that she doesn’t want you to take it personally that she does not want to be around men.
I once had a co-worker tell me that he wished that more people were open-minded about dating and instead of trying to push people into a commitment just see where things go one day at a time. This was him basically asking me for casual sex. I responded that that totally, totally made sense. Take me for example; I’m asexual, so monogamy honestly isn’t my biggest concern compared to enjoying people’s company. After he processed that I just told him no, he asked me if I ever considered exploring my sexuality, perhaps with someone I trusted. I told him no, that was just a complete physiology shut down. I love guys and I love what they bring to the table, and I even have a few celebrity crushes, but even if I know a guy is attractive, I can’t just physically make myself excited. And we dropped the subject from there.
Yeah, I volunteered to spend time with others and then became emotionally drained within the hour, and powered through it because I had already made a commitment. This complete stranger may have been friendly with you from the beginning, but that doesn’t necessarily meant that she wanted to spend quote unquote all day with you. And with some distance from you since she’s no longer obligated to be in the same tour party with you, she walked quickly away from you since she obviously wasn’t able to say the day before how she felt and she’s still not able to say it now.
She might not want to be seen talking to a black man on the street or she’s embarrassed about telling you the details of her life
Some of the most impactful and memorable interactions I’ve ever had in my life have been once in a lifetime chance encounters with someone fate put me together with. There doesn’t need to be follow up, you don’t need to exchange information. That was the moment and all it ever needs to be. Remember it for what it was.
It could be anything because like I have read in another’s comment. It just doesn’t add up