Throw away account. I’ve been married to my wife for 7 years, and we have 3 children (5yoM, 3yoF, and a 9moM). Progressively with each child born, my wife’s desire to have sex has dwindled. I’ve had several conversations with her about the importance of sex for me, but she will tell me things such as “I feel touched out from the kids all day”/“I don’t have your sex drive”/“having sex more than once a week isn’t normal”, etc. When we do have sex, I try everything to make it about her and make sure she has an orgasm, but none of it has caused any appreciable change in her desires. When I do try to initiate sex (whether it be from cuddling while watching a movie, giving her a massage, or some other form of intimacy) she claims I’m always just trying to have sex. How am I suppose to gauge her interest otherwise?? At this point I’ve stopped trying to initiate sex as it’s killed any confidence I had, and as you might guess, it’s led to much less sex.
For context, I feel as though I’m doing everything I can to be a great husband and father. When I get home from work, I cook dinner about half the days of the week. I also put the two older kids to bed every night and clean up the house after they are in bed while my wife puts the baby to sleep. I’m a physician and make >$500K/year, and thus we are able to live easily on my salary alone. She is a nurse, but currently works one day a week (primarily just to get out of the house and have a break from the kids). I’ve told her many times that she can work as much as she wants, or she can stop working altogether, and so her working this one day a week is her choosing. We live in a beautiful home in a nice part of the city, have a house cleaner that comes once a week, take nice vacations, she has a brand new SUV, and money has never been an issue just to name a few notable things.
All that being said, she constantly acts as though her life is harder than mine and that she is jealous that I get to go to work and have a “break” from the kids (even though I’m a physician in the OR and deal with many traumatic and life-threatening conditions on a daily basis).
In summary I’m afraid that she has made up her mind that sex once a week (MAX) is more than enough and she won’t change even though it’s making me feel miserable. Any advice is appreciated.
20 comments
Truthfully once a week is still pretty healthy amount, also she told you what she needs to boost her sex drive. A break from the kids. She doesn’t have a recharge period which every parent should at least have one every day. If she doesn’t have energy after watching the kids all day with no recharge period how do you expect her to have energy to go round and pound with you?
You spoke about what you want and her resentment. What is her problem to having sex? Does she want sex? How much or how frequently? What’s stopping her? Why is you wanting sex a problem? Is there other needs she feels aren’t being met? Does she feel this is a problem? Why or why not?
You don’t seem to understand her. It may not fix the problem but you can’t solve it without knowing the causes for her actions. That only comes through proper questions and answers.
> even though I’m a physician in the OR and deal with many traumatic and life-threatening conditions on a daily basis
You’re invalidating her feelings by essentially saying “I have it so much harder than her! Why does *she* need a break!” Please don’t do that. It doesn’t help the relationship at all. Your wife is telling you what she needs but you aren’t listening.
> works one day a week (primarily just to get out of the house and have a break from the kids)
> she is jealous that I get to go to work and have a “break” from the kids
Aside from the one day a week that she works, does she have any other alone time to just be her own person? Leaving the house for a hobby, meeting with friends, etc? Yes, she’s a mom now, but that’s not all she is and she needs a break.
She is caring for 3 children under Five, she’s exhausted! Especially as the younger two are 3 years and 9 months old geez , that’s hard work, perhaps just be affectionate without expecting intimacy, it’s what women love , to be hugged just for showing affection and not other expectations. If you do this and drop the demands you might find things change and the children will get older and the exhaustion will go and things in the bedroom will get better but cut her some slack and see things from her perspective, when you look after children, there’s no break it’s 24/7. And there will be hormonal issues as well , you should know this in your occupation. It’s not always about what you want and yes I see you work in OR and deal with traumatic events but that’s irrelevant to this situation, you chose that career . You just need to understand her perspective, childcare is relentless, you can’t go to the bathroom in peace , don’t demand and don’t expect and just be kind and give it time . If you are more thoughtful without expectations you might be pleasantly surprised.
Get childcare a couple of days a week, once for her work day and once for an evening so you can have a date night and someone else does the bed time routine. We did this when mine were little so I could take a night class and we met for a meal after. Great to get a night away from the bedtime routine.
Ask her if you can open up the relationship.
You are getting a lot of good advice. Let me chime in as well, as I am going through a similar situation. Your wife is feeling overwhelmed right now. Though you make good money and there is a lot of help at home, the age of your children strongly suggests that she is probably well taxed mentally when she comes home because she likely feels as though she has to take care of the children and put them first. (A 9-month old child is already a lot of work, so if you add a 3-year old who still needs mommy I can only imagine how tired she is at the end of the day.)
The bad news is that you are doing everything right, but it may not make that much of a difference at the moment. Your wife needs to feel like herself and not just an extension of someone else, whether that’s as “mommy” or as “wifey”. Only time will enable her to feel free enough to concentrate on herself and her own needs (which will include sex once she is relaxed enough to be out of crisis mode with work and kids). The timing of your children suggests that this naturally happens for the two of you once your children reach 2-3 years of age.
Your job is to make sure you and your wife are still connecting as a couple, both sexually and platonically, because she has other priorities on her mind at the moment. (You will likely feel taken advantage of because you’re upping your game at home but not getting any added benefit. And this is fair. But it doesn’t help the relationship to carry that as a chip on your shoulder. Think of it as the due diligence you need to be putting in so that, when you two finally connect, she can appreciate all that you’ve done.)
It’s good that you help out around the house, but you need to have more date nights together. Schedule them so that you know they will happen. And don’t do anything or expect anything sexual when you are with her during this time. It should be time for you both to connect and maybe talk about what you’re feeling in the relationship. (I didn’t do that with my wife and it took us a lot longer to feel intimate again because there was no couple time as my child was growing up in the house.) Finally, sex once a week is pretty good given all that’s happening. Lots of relationships dwindle down to nothing. You are in a good place, even though it feels like a desert in the meantime.
Here’s an idea. Wrap up. She’s 32 with three young kids. Idc how much money you make or how great your lifestyle is. Unless you have a nanny who does most of the work for you, raising young children is exhausting
What *is* the importance of sex to you? Is it your main way of self-soothing or emotional regulation? Is it something you need so you can feel like a man? Most women don’t like being used as a means to an end. Apart from giving her time, considering the ages of your kids, it would be wise to identify what emotional need you are filling with sex and find alternatives for that. Leave the sex as a way of connecting with your wife.
How was your sex life before kids? Were you sexually compatible to begin with, or is it really just now that you have kids that she’s retracting? I hate to ask this, but how much did you guys really talk about family planning before you had a family? It sounds like you do your fair share of parenting, but she’s still overwhelmed. It seems like she either didn’t realize how much work kids are or she didn’t really want them to begin with. Or it could all be post partum. I would encourage individual therapy and maybe even couples therapy, as well.
I would hire a house cleaner weekly and a weekly date night for you two. Ease up on her, this is a small chapter of your life where you cannot have sex all the time.
I’m a nanny to a 9 month old and wow it’s back breaking. She has three, under 5 years old!?! She needs silence and a massage.
Go on couple therapy to communicate and go on sex therapy to reconnecte intimately!
Mah dude. As a physician you should know better than anyone your wife’s body has been completely hijacked 3 times. Her hormones are still out of order, her body went through incredible trauma 3 times. These is probably a part of her that equates sex with potential for more trauma and exhaustion while for you it’s all fun and pleasure. Seriously, take charge and get those kids childcare, give her time to be a person not just mom. If you have the ability to buy back her time and allow her to be a person not a “mom” and “wife” she may just flourish a bit a get into her sensual nature.
If you’re a physician you should know more about what your wife’s body and mind has gone through. Nobody cares that you have a stressful job in the OR. Your wife probably takes on all the mental load. Hire a nanny and housekeeper and start doing things to give her physical pleasure without the expectation of sex as a reward for you. Give her a massage and let her know it’s just for relaxation not sex and stuff like that.
Like you’ve been told in some comments, ask her, don’t sugarcoat things, ask her in the most abrupt and direct way possible.
Tell her what you want, ask her what she wants, try to find a compromise. Try couple counselling. If you manage to set rules you have to follow them strictly, even if she doesn’t do.
If nothing evolve after a certain time span, think about separation.
This may sound harsh, but that’s a situation I’ve been in, and I’ve waiting way too long, making way too much efforts to try to “fix” something that didn’t existed anymore.
It took a toll on my mental health, my self-esteem, and it was even hard in the end to be a good dad.
In my own story, the once a week become once every two or 3 weeks with many excuses from her, then it became a sexless relationship where I was even berated for trying to get a bit of affection.
In the end, I felt more than an ATM than than an husband and dad.
Maybe your story is or will be different, but if it follows the same path, don’t waste as much time as I did (5 years) .
You sound a lot like my ex husband. He was not able to show physical affection to me without it eventually ending up as a bid for sex. I also had three young kids at the time (I finally left the marriage when the youngest was 4). It got to the point where anytime he would try to rub my shoulders or give me a hug from behind, my skin would crawl because I knew the only reason he was being affectionate was because he wanted sex. Talk about killing a woman’s self esteem and desire! I was also touched out. He did a lot to help around the house and with the kids to give me a break, but I finally had to lay it out to him that I needed physical affection from him without any sexual expectations or me worrying about getting groped when I only wanted to relax. It got better, but he had to back off 100% and let me come back to him when I was ready. Your wife is just going to continue to push you away until she feels physically safe receiving affection from you, without expectations.
You’re going to get a bunch of people on this sub saying OMG YOUR WIFE HAD CHILDREN YOU INSENSITIVE JERK. Despite you explaining what a great husband you are and how much help and free time she gets. It’s just the nature of this sub. Mothers are blessed beings who have achieved the unachievable by giving birth (even though millions of women do it every year) and you are to grovel and accept whatever she says. Don’t worry about those comments.
What it does sound like is she has a lower sex drive than you. Could be hormones from pregnancy have changed. If she’s up for it have her get a panel done. A lot of women go on hormone replacement therapy and find their entire view on sex changes.
She could also just not be particularly interested in sex, simple as that. Your libidos just don’t match.
Doctor, if this was a objective patients, how would you deal with it ?
You have 3 children under the age of 5, and while that would be hectic for sure, a babysitter and a date night is not out of the question anymore.
Next step is to ask your wife if she even wants sex, and how she is making sure you guys have it.
If she does not get why sex is important, after several conversations she is a idiot.
Having sex more than once a week is normal, having sex less than once a week is normal, it depends on the couple.
If she feels touched out then suggest to her that she go out, and not interact with the children as much one day a week (excercise, hobbies, anything really!)
Using the excuse of being touched out is a easy way to cope.
If she is saying her life is harder, than you can suggedt reducing your work load and allowing her to work more, voila that part of her arguement is invalid.
Dont get me wrong adult interaction is important, but she is making the choice to not have the children in daycare etc.
A relationship is only gonna be good if you water both partners, and this is a super common one that both men and women complain about.
If there is no response in X amount of time, without pressuring her or telling her, start looking into separating / divorcee, cause if she does not understand why sex and physical intimacy is important to the relationship it is doomed.
You sound entitled AF. Your wife pushed three humans out of her body, and is currently raising three kids 5 and under, and you can’t handle sex once a week.
Boo hoo, welcome to parenthood. when the kids are young sex goes on the back burner.
Take a bigger share of the childcare burden, find ways to give your wife a break and maybe you’ll get laid more often.
Well, I think that you’re in a unique position, given your profession and finances. I suggest that you get a sitter for an evening, and take her out to dinner. After dinner, on the ride home, engage her in a conversation. Mention that you understand her stance on the frequency of sexual relations, and don’t want her to change just for you. Then propose that you secure a FWB partner to take care of your greater libido, and that you already have a few women in mind. Tell her not to reply right away, as you want a considered response from her.
I think that you’ll find that her libido increases very quickly. And if not, there’s always the option of the FWB arrangements. If sex is a chore for her, simply outsource it.
I wish you well.