Someone else asked me out. Do I go or be open about it to person I am seeing?

19 comments

  1. OP, this sounds like an emotional disaster waiting to happen for you. Go back and re-read your post. It looks like you are laying all the expectations on decisions and where you two stand on this guy – a guy who has only seen you 6 times in a few months and not on weekends because he’s prioritizing family and work. This is absolutely the scenario in which you *should* be dating others. I wouldn’t even be sleeping with this guy if I were in your shoes, it looks like everything is on his terms and availability. Everything.

    Go on the date and have fun. You don’t owe this guy that disclosure – it’s one date, just go.

  2. He does not want to be in a relationship, he isn’t available. He told you this. So yes, go date other people! You don’t need to bring this up with the guy who can’t even clear one weekend for you. Have fun!

  4. He doesn’t see you on the weekend because he’s prioritizing work? Does he work weekends?

  5. >Hes said hes not yet going to be ready for serious

    Why?

    >Hes made it abundantly clear in subcontext that he isnt seeing someome else but I cant be sure?

    You can’t be, but why would he lie to you? For him, what’s the gain here to lie?

    >But truthfully I just want to make sure he doesnt view this as a violation if I meet someone else? Sure I could assume we’re still in exploration stage but what if his definition of that stage js that we arent seeing anyone else?

    Then ask him. You’re not in a relationship yet. What makes you think it would be a violation to meet someone else in his eyes? And by this line of thought, wouldn’t you rather build your potential relationship with him based on mutual trust, respect and open communication?

    >Hes also encouraged open lines of communication

    Ever more reason to ask.

  6. Go out and date other people. It sounds like you want more than what he’s giving you. Maybe you find exactly what you’re looking for in someone else. Or maybe him missing you makes him realize he needs to commit to keep you. Or just have the conversation and see where that leads. But if you stay in the current situation nothing will change and it doesn’t sound entirely healthy.

  7. >Hes also encouraged open lines of communication

    Why don’t you use these?

    >he isnt seeing someome else but I cant be sure

    What happened to those communication channels?

    >we havent talked about whether we are still dating others

    Communication channels?

    >I havent brought it up

    I feel like maybe these communication channels aren’t working so well…

    >I dont want to initiate a DTR talk because it will seem like I am pushing

    So, you don’t feel like the communication channel is ‘open’ and is instead loaded with landmines around things you can’t bring up?

    >I just want to make sure he doesnt view this as a violation if I meet someone else?

    Sounds like a discussion, assuming you can actually have open communication without the threat of blowing up the relationship.

    >Sure I could assume

    Which is the opposite of open communication and how people create stealth expectations that blow up relationships…

    >what if his definition of that stage js that we arent seeing anyone else?

    Guess you’ll just have to ask him.

    Good luck!!

  9. This is one of the reasons I prefer nonmonogamy. Relationships can develop at wildly different speeds, and it doesn’t make sense to cut someone out of your life just because they can’t meet your needs *right now*. You can date someone else and let the other thing develop at its own pace.

  10. > Someone else asked me out. Do I go or be open about it to person I am seeing?

    Yes

    > He makes a point to mention how Im the only time hes gone out in a while due to work.

    You’re the only one he’s seeing because of work. Not because you’re the only one he wants to be seeing, not because he’s not interested in anyone else. Seeing someone else would be inconvenient, you fit in his schedule. This is fair but not to be confused with potential commitment

    You two are not together and things are very new. Enjoy the new date, continue to enjoy dating this guy. You’re free to do both, he won’t be mad. And if he does get mad, it’ll show his character

  11. I think dating other people might be helpful for you, to keep your mind off of the unavailable guy.

  12. I think you are looking for approval for this even though you know you shouldn’t do it. You even say “he makes it clear that he isn’t seeing anyone else”, but you can’t be sure. Like, you are NEVER going to be sure, even if you are married. You can only go by their word. So you either trust him, or you don’t. I think you are using the fact that you can’t be sure to justify doing this.

    Look, if you aren’t getting what you need from him, just tell him that, and see what happens. If you are ok losing him so you can explore other things, by all means do so. But it sounds like you are more or less exclusive at this point.

    Also, how would you feel if he went out with someone else and you found out later. If you’d be upset, then don’t do that to him. That will tell you a lot about where this relationship is

  13. I would say you could go either way with this. I don’t think it matters, honestly. If he’s made it clear he’s not interested, I don’t think you NEED to tell him. Equally, if he’s not interested in something serious, he won’t care.

    If this were me, I wouldn’t mention it to him. It seems like things with the guy aren’t going anywhere and you aren’t exclusive.

  14. I would be honest and upfront. He should not mind since he does not want anything serious. Since you are sleeping together you should be able to discuss seeing others so you are being safe.

  15. he told you he isn’t ready for a relationship. he shows you that you’re not a priority for him. why on earth are you hanging around?? if you want a relationship, you need to move on. go on this other date, and then a bunch more. but you are only going to hurt yourself hanging on and waiting around for him to change.

  16. So he’s made it clear that he’s not ready for a relationship, and you get the impression that he may be keeping weekend time together off the table to prevent the relationship from progressing.

    I dunno. It doesn’t sound like this is simply a matter of circumstances. Especially if there’s no plan to change them or ETA on when he expects them to change.

    It’s the difference between driving slowly because you’re climbing a steep hill and driving slowly because you’re climbing a steep hill and he’s cranked the emergency brake.

    If you’re looking for something serious, you might consider putting a pin in this:

    “Hey, I’ve really been enjoying our time together. I know your situation precludes something serious right now, which is a shame, because I’d like to explore something serious with you. I can’t do casual indefinitely with someone I like, so I need to move on. But if in the future you find yourself in a position where you’re ready for something more, please feel free to reach out.”

    Otherwise I wouldn’t ask him about seeing others, I would just tell him.

    “Hey, I really like you a lot. I like spending time together and I’m interested to see where this goes. I understand that you’re not ready to consider something serious, and I appreciate that you’ve been so upfront about that. But in the interest of honesty, I am ultimately looking for something serious, and if this is casual then I’d like to keep meeting other people. It’s not something I’m prioritizing per se, but I did want to be transparent about where I’m at.”

  18. It sounds like you want an exclusive relationship with the first guy, but he has become less available during the time you’ve been dating. Why not just cut your losses, so you’re not wasting time with someone who isn’t really available?

  19. You’re putting his needs before your own. Do not do that. If you want a commitment from him ask for it. If he’s not “ready” move on.

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