TL;DR: I’m looking for a non-exclusive FWB arrangement to live the best sex of my life in a repeatable way _before_ looking for the mother of my kids. Super picky on the physical front and not that young anymore so this task seems daunting.
I (34M) just got out of a 6-year relationship, a few months ago, because I realized I did not truly know what I wanted.
I) I now know I want two things:
1) Experience sex I *truly enjoy* with a woman with whom I also have chemistry as a person, on a repeatable basis (anywhere between 6 months and 2-3 years), and without making any promises as to where the relationship will go, and without any promises of exclusivity (of course from both sides), at least before the first 3-6 months of sex have passed. I may need to experience this a few times since although I have dated and slept with women before, I never experienced exactly this.
2) then, and only then, can I start considering looking for the mother of my kids, and stay with her the 20 years it takes to raise our kids, since I do want kids and not too late in life (before 45, hopefully before 40). She might be one of the girls from step (1), if it turns out we both simply can’t let go of each other and everything becomes solid.
II) Why I think like this:
1) Almost no one in my extended family could stay together while their kids grew up. My parents are no exception. Of course I can’t control it, but I want to do everything I reasonably can to flush the “what ifs” out of my system before I commit for 20+ years, especially since I did have some serious cheating history back when I was younger. I don’t want to settle for who I can find to then stumble on an intense, chemical match I have all the pain in the world saying no to. Of course this happens but if I’ve lived through such matches before, at least I’ll know I’m not completely missing on it.
2) previous 6-year relationship was almost without actual sex (everything but, 3 times in 6 years). The two LTRs before (3 years, 5 years), we did have sex but I was not physically attracted to them enough to be happy. I was 100% physically attracted to #3 (most recent one) but after much back and forth, we both understood she essentially wanted true (“lifetime”) commitment from my part before really opening up to that part of the relationship.
III) Why I feel daunted:
1) I have no trouble approaching random girls in many places, strike a conversation and get phone numbers. What I do have a problem with, is finding someone I’m actually physically attracted to. I’m super picky when it comes to who I like physically :-/. I can be attracted on the personality with much more people than I can physically. I’ve tried “growing the physical attraction from the emotional/feelings bond” during my first 5 year LTR: it did not work even after all that time.
For example, recently I was at a huge conference on sustainability, with a large part of the crowd in their 20s ans 30s. In the thousands of people I could see there during daytime, maybe a few girls lit my radar. At the end of event party: zero. When I do approach the girls I do find attractive, since the sample is small, so far I only found girls with interests completely at odds with mine, and no chemistry as people. I could not find common ground even trying many topics and letting them talk about and develop anything they were interested about. So it did not work.
2) The place where I find the most girls I am attracted to physically is on the street. I live in a large European city, and people of all ages, classes and circles simply can’t avoid the street to go somewhere, as there is not enough room for cars to be efficient here. I’ll go by a large crowd and spot : “there. _that_ is the physical type of girl _I_ am attracted to”.
Unfortunately, the street is also one of the most awkward places to meet someone. I might be speeding up on a bike in the opposite direction, while she is walking with her family to a brunch a stone’s throw away.
3) even if I do find someone I’m attracted to, that I actually meet, with some mutual personality chemistry, and who is single, I know I will be upfront about what I want as soon as I will sense ambiguity (no promises and even no exclusivity, until we have mutually enjoyable sex regularly), and this might put even more filtering on who will accept this. I’ve done “half promises by omission” in the past and now I just can’t do this. I might also do _some_ exclusivity for a few months to be invested in the relationship, but I won’t go beyond a few months and I’ll probably move on, if great sex does not materialize. I’ve tried waiting it out before, it did not work.
4) Time is running out. I am attracted to girls in their 20s (around 22-28) but I’m 34. If I reach 40 before finding who I’m actually looking for for phase 1 of my dating life, my chances will dwindle very rapidly. Already, I’m out of many circles where it would be easier to find them.
5) I work a hell of a lot in my professional life, but I won’t have the finances that go with it at least for a few more years (long term startup). So it’s not like I can spend all my afternoons cold approaching strangers.
6) of course I am putting in place what I need to find the right psychiatrist, also physical therapy to take care of my joints so I can train and stay fit (people consider me fit, but I won’t until I can clearly see my own abs), sleep earlier, eat healthier etc. I read a lot of self development books from a varied spectrum of sources. This takes time.
IV) My questions:
While step III.6 is completing as fast as I can, I don’t want to miss on yet another spring/summer to have the honest and sincere fun I always craved.
1) Have you been in my shoes of being too picky physically about women, with time ticking, and looking for great sex before any commitment? How did you overcome it? Are you happy now? Is it just that I have to reunite my 2 phases (great connection _and_ long term) or nothing will work?
2) what places do you recommend to find the girls I’m looking for, especially ones that would be statistically more open to open relationships? I’m considering couple dancing classes (I actually love dancing itself), environmental “soft activism” groups, or simply roaming the streets, parks, museums with a like-minded friend.
3) Is there something seriously wrong with my current approach and state of mind, and if so, what, and *most importantly, why exactly*?
Essentially I’m looking for guidance on my next steps to be efficient about this and not lose more precious months/years.
Thank you!!