So, what happened is last night I got a phone call and found out that my grandfather has passed away. It’s a big deal to me because we were very close, and another elderly family member has been taking care of him and I hate for her to be alone during this time. I’m very upset, but holding it together and my boyfriend is just having no empathy for my situation. I’m coming to terms with the fact that certain aspects of our relationship are unhealthy but I really just need some outside perspective if I’m overreacting or expecting too much.
Since I told him he hasn’t asked for any further details, so all he knows is simply that he’s passed. He’s avoided the topic entirely and even went so far as to get up and take a shower if I even mentioned it. I know it’s not just out of him not knowing how to handle death because he’s also deliberately setting off my anxiety.
He’s refused to hug me, touch me, sit next to me, or really even look at me or take off his headphones for a day. I’ve been on and off the phone figuring out how to get time off work, flights, etc, and was actually fired from my shitty job for even asking for a couple days to fly out. He didn’t even want to talk to me about that.
Later on he flat out told me that he wants no part in it, that he can’t tell me what to do and I needed to figure it out. He said he doesn’t feel like supporting me emotionally, or otherwise so don’t bother asking. (not paraphrasing here) He gets really crazy about me leaving the house for any reason, even to smoke a cigarette, and will ignore me for hours/days leading up to me leaving the house sometimes if I catch him in a bad mood. I always end up feeling guilty because I think it’s like abandonment trauma separation anxiety and he’s really nice to me when i stay home all the time.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I made flights anyway because i’m exhausted and I want to be with my family but I don’t know how i’m going to be able to handle seeing everyone, processing the loss, while having my partner ignore me the whole time i’m there. He did this when i visited him the last time and i ended up cutting my trip short because I kept having panic attacks.
i know i need to stand up for myself or at least communicate about this but i just don’t know how to go about it. what should i say/do during and after this trip?
30 comments
He is not a good person, and he’s definitely not a good partner. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t support you, who isn’t there for you? He is *super* controlling and his behavior is manipulative and toxic.
I’m sorry about your grandfather. Since your bf has basically told you he doesn’t care, and you don’t have a job to rush back to, take your time and stay with your family for a while.
This relationship sounds like it’s been bad for quite a while. I’m actually feeling angry hearing about his behavior.
You were both kids when you got together and it’s normal that a teen romance doesn’t last until adulthood. Please walk away from this guy. You will feel relieved.
its time to stand up, leave this bum
I think you know that you need to end this relationship. If he has abandonment issues, then that’s on him to work through in therapy. Spend time with your family, grieve, and eventually work on a plan to leave this relationship. You deserve someone who can support you, not someone who is being manipulative!
Leave his ass. He’s not the one for you, not even close, your hanging out and sleeping with a pig. Date someone at least human please.
From what others are saying and your responses to them, I think you’re beginning to think seriously about getting out. While you’re with family, it might be good to see what kind of a support network you have. Sometimes just knowing you have a safe place to land is worth a lot even if you don’t need it right away.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I couldn’t live with someone who treated me this way. That’s not a relationship with a loving partner. Not even close. You don’t need his BS, you don’t deserve his BS, and you don’t have to put up with his BS.
Go see your family. Grieve your grandfather. Stay as long as you need. You don’t have to hurry back (no more shitty job). Be with people who love you, and take a minute to think.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your grandfather.
Ok, your guy is emotionally disabled & cruel.
How to handle him?
Learn to not care (because he wants you to be a wreck & he wants to control you).
So, defy his wishes. Ignore him back. Give him a taste of his medicine. Completely ignore him & consider leaving him.
If nothing else in 5ys has made you realize your boyfriend doesn’t give a shit about you, someone you deeply loved **dying** and him acting like he’s doing you a favor by being an asshole to you needs to be a wake up call.
Not only is he not *offering* comfort, he’s actively *withholding* it.
He’s not good people, and he’s not a good partner. You’re 23, get out before 5ys together turns into 6 or more.
I think you mean “ex-boyfriend”. This is not how a partner behaves.
Your [relationship](https://counseling.sa.ua.edu/resources/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/) doesn’t “have [unhealthy](https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/relationship-spectrum/) aspects”. Your [boyfriend](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse) is [straight](https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control) up [abusive](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/), [no doubts](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/) about that. Your [local DV org](https://nomoredirectory.org/) will be there to talk to you and support you and help you make your [safety plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/) for [escape](https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959). [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/) is a great place to learn about healthy relationships and they even have [a quiz that will help you gauge your relationship](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/). I’m so sorry for your loss.
When you’re ready (after you’ve grieved more), [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) will be such an enlightening read that really clears up so much of your relationship.
r/abusiverelationships
My condolences for your grandfather.
What, other than your crappy boyfriend, is keeping you where you are? What if you fly home to see your family and just stay there and start over? Pack up all your essentials and take them with you.
>I always end up feeling guilty because I think it’s like abandonment trauma separation anxiety and he’s really nice to me when i stay home all the time.
He’s nice because you’re enabling him. Your guilt is the result of his active manipulation, with him currently giving you the cold should to punish you and to have you scared of doing things you want and need to in the future for fear of setting him off. It is deeply toxic and even if what informs it is something we can have sympathy with emotional abuse is still emotional abuse.
This isn’t the relationship you want. Someone that uses hot and cold to slowly hobble you and make you their house pet. During the time you most needed support he not only failed but tried to punish you. It doesn’t matter why he thinks that way, what he did was cruel and toxic.
Your sense of self preservation should be kicking in about now. He is not a healthy partner.
Dude come on. Do you not feel pathetic letting him treat you this way? Jfc.
Ewwwww this is insane,how could someone be so cruel and heartless. I’m so sorry for what ur going through and passing of your grandfather. Sending you so much virtual hug.
This person is completely worthless human being and doesn’t even deserve one second more of your time or presence. I would say go to your family and completely cut him off, block him and leave him completely. He is beyond awfu, don’t let him take more of ur time and life, he is not worth it at all.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I fully understand that you’re grieving and that making a decision about your relationship, on top of grieving, is too much, so don’t decide now. But do go to stay with your family for a while, grieve with them, support your family members and let them support you. Is your family supportive? If not, do you have friends over there that will be there for you? Right now you need that support, and your boyfriend won’t give it to you, he was already clear.
Your relationship has not “some unhealthy aspects”, it’s entirely unhealthy because partners support each other, don’t control each other, don’t restrict the freedom of movement for each other (not even with guilt trips) and so on.
You were given in some comments here, some great links to evaluate your entire relationship, but I understand that right now it’s all too much, so for right now, just travel and don’t cut your trip short. Stay with your family for as long as you need (if they are supportive and won’t damage your mental health further, because I understand not all families are healthy, but only you know about your family in particular). Ignore that he’s ignoring you, keep yourself busy visiting family members and friends and being helpful where you can.
However, before returning to your boyfriend… do read all the material you were provided on the comments. And ask yourself if you want that life, the one you’d be returning to, with your boyfriend, is the life that you want for the next 50 years of your life, or the next 10, or the next 5 years or even 1 year of the same (because he made it clear that he sees no point in changing, so believe him at his word)
That man doesn’t love you. He doesn’t give a single fuck about you. It takes an absolute shit bag of a human being to not comfort your partner when they are grieving the death of a loved one.
>He said he doesn’t feel like supporting me emotionally, or otherwise so don’t bother asking.
Bro, dude, come on, that’s something unacceptable to say to a stranger on the street who is going through a loss, let alone the person you’re supposed to be the closest to. That guy is unfit to be anyone’s significant other.
It doesn’t sound as if he’s much support anyway, from what you’ve described.
He doesn’t allow you to be you and has stated very clearly he doesn’t want to support you emotionally. He’s more than mean, he’s abusive.
Yes, he’s young, but I think you can NOW see very clearly that he’s not a keeper. He will try and manipulate you into staying, but I think you should leave after the trip.
It sounds like he is annoyed that you will escape his control for a few days, and he is angry about that.
You say that “he gets really crazy about me leaving the house” and he knows he cannot stop you leaving for this and being with people who actually love you. You might get some ideas about how abusive and unhealthy this relationship is.
It’s a shame that you can’t take your important documents and just stay at home when you visit.
I would be absolutely heart broken if my daughter was with such a terrible partner. Please, please speak to your family when you are there about what is happening to you. This is not right on any level and you need to leave this horrible, controlling, manipulative person.
All the best OP X
This boy is not your boyfriend – he is far too interested in his own self to have anything left over for you. He is a POS to be honest.
I very strongly suggest that you don’t go back to him at all. He doesn’t give a rats and he told you that openly. Why would you go back to him?
You are so young. Your whole amazing life is ahead of you full of great experiences, opportunities and genuine love. Your life is yours! And most importantly: This life is the only one you will get.
You need to make an important decision on how you want your life to be. You can’t wait for him to change into the partner you want and need. Even if you twist yourself out of shape to become “the perfect girlfriend” by suppressing your needs and wants in order to keep him happy, he will still be an asshole who will punish you for being a human being.
Does this relationship make you happy? Does he make you feel happy, secure and loved? Or does he simply feed you scraps when you do what he wants?
You don’t need him. You don’t need to spend your valuable youth with a guy who treats you like this. There is nothing to gain from staying and everything to lose.
Be happy. Be free. Love yourself more. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Love yourself enough to never ever let anyone crush you like that again.
He is not worth it. He doesn’t deserve you. Why should an asshole like him even get to have a girlfriend when he treats you so badly?
He has done nothing but abuse and control you and give you panic attacks and punish you for stepping out of line according to him.
Is this really the life you imagined for yourself?
You need to pack your bags and leave him. Stay single for a few years and build up your own life.
It honestly sounds like he hates you. When my work friend found out her grandma had a stroke I hugged her and made her a cup of tea. That’s basic, bare minimum human kindness.
Yesterday I told my partner that hospice predicts my grandmother has only a few days. He held me as I cried, offered to look after my dog if I need to be gone for a few days, made me a sandwich and gave me a Xanax when I couldn’t stop crying. He drove me home and put me to bed, offered to stay with me or let me be alone, and made plans to go to the garden center today because that’s my happy place. You deserve support, and kindness at the very least. This guy is flat out mean to you.
Pack as much as you can to take with you on the flight, anything you value. Don’t go back. He doesn’t give a shit about you. If he cared he would have held you while you cried and helped you organise flights. You no longer have your job so nothing is tying you to your present location. Give yourself some distance so you can see how truly appalling his behaviour is.
He sounds awful
Why are you with this piece of human trash? I got angry at him just reading this,..please dump him, he doesn’t care one bit for you, let alone loves you. He bluntly tells you he doesn’t care. Please dump him asap
You don’t need to deal with his bullish-t right now – you’ve got a real issue to deal with emotionally.
If you live with him , then go home for a few weeks. If not, then block him.
He’s not a good person is he? He’s not even offering what you give to a friend, let alone a romantic partner.
He’s mad because he loses his sense of control over you when you fly away. Do you really want to be with someone like this? He sounds like a miserable human being.
You dump his ass because you deserve better than him, much much better than him.
OP, even if he weren’t absolutely awful in the way he’s treating you while you’re grieving, the fact that he punishes you if you leave the house is alarming. The way this makes you feel literally gives you panic attacks. Does that seem normal? And I don’t mean that as a reflection on you, I mean that your boyfriend’s manipulations are so awful that they cause that. He is emotionally abusive. (And yes, even him being nice is a part of that.)
Look, if you have to beg your boyfriend for basic empathy and love and respect, imo there is nowhere to go with that. You can’t make someone have those things for you. Again, that is not a reflection on YOU, that is a reflection on who he is towards you.
I really think you should leave this relationship. This is not a safe and healthy partner for you.