My husband and I have been experiencing a decline in our sex life. Ever since having kids, and more so within the past year. When we do have sex, he doesn’t finish half the time. It’s making me feel self conscious and genuinely wondering why he can’t. I always thought that if you didn’t have sex you would finish earlier rather than not finishing at all. Has anyone experienced this with themselves or their relationship before ?

48 comments

  1. Do you guys communicate about your fantasies and try to spice things up in the bedroom every now and then? Or is it the same ol same ol?

    Has he looked into getting checked out by a doctor?

  2. If you two didn’t have sex… doesn’t mean he stopped playing with himself. Since there was that long break he might of just used his hand and is more used that that than you. If thats the case you just have to retrain him to finish to something other than his hand…

    The other possibility is… he has resentment and mental blocks that keep him from finishing. Yes he might be excited to finally have sex and intimacy again with you… but doesn’t mean the year drought didn’t make him resentful and hurt. So there is that part of it

    He might have a lot going on mentally with work and the kid that he isn’t into it as much… or he can tell you aren’t really into it so he isn’t into as well but doing the motions in hope it get better of finishes.

    Men do fake orgasms and don’t always finish… there could be a mental or physical issue here… you two need to have a long talk about whats going on…. it might not be you… or it could be you but if you both have a strong marriage and can honestly be truthful to each other you two will figure it out.

  3. That all makes sense, I never thought about some of those. He has asked me before if I’m still attracted to him because of the lack of sex/physical touch. For me, I need an emotional connection. There’s times when I try to have conversations with him (we’re watching our shows) and I get no response. So for me, that puts me down and not wanting to do those things even more. Mostly every night I go to bed by myself. I don’t go to bed super early or anything (10:30-11:30pm) and he stays up playing video games. It’s become very lonely. So that alone has also put up a wall for me not wanting it

  4. My hubby’s issue was his blood pressure meds.he got his blood pressure under control and got off meds. No more problem! Could also be testosterone related. But basically, talk to your doctor. May be a medical reason.

  5. There are some great resources on YouTube, I started reading more, listening to podcasts done by some psychologists that focus on sex, and just explore the world of sex a ton and started to discover fantasies I didn’t know I had. Then I shared them with my s/o we talked about what we were comfortable with and not comfortable with trying. That conversation alone changed how I approached sex for awhile. Sex is something we always have to revisit our approach to. Think about what appeals to us and how we can explore it.

  6. Something isn’t right. Watching a lot of porn? Pleasing himself too much? Or some kind of health issue is happening… idk…

  8. All I have to say is just communication is key for a lot in life it’s actually the most where people in general fail from is communication they act like we can read their dam minds but anyway just keep trying to communicate how u feel but try to do the conversation when the kids r asleep or when u guys have at least some time alone and approach it in a nice manner. that way it don’t escalate quick lol

  9. Yes he needs to speak to his doctor/physician. Plus if you don’t have the funds for that the lock pharmacist may be able to help you with that situation.

  10. Could it be porn? Like he already finished earlier ? Possibly stress? Or talk to him calmly and supportive

  12. Is he able to finish with porn or death grip masturbation? Ask him.

    Unless medical or stress, sounds like the culprit could be porn addiction

  13. A night away, different surroundings and no opportunity to play video games.

    Buy something nice doesn’t even have to be full scale lingerie just something a bit sexier than usual, get your hair and nails done so you have a bit more confidence. Let him sit in hotel bar and send a text with a pic saying ‘I’m waiting on you’ again doesn’t have to be nudes just a bit of cleavage or leg.

    If he doesn’t throw people out the road to get to you then he doesn’t deserve the reward x

  14. A night away, different surroundings and no opportunity to play video games.

  15. Also you may think you don’t have any fantasies but really have a think, it’s doesn’t have to be BDSM or threesomes etc maybe just a man in a suit or a man in uniform, having sex somewhere diff in house, you dressing up as a sexy boss I don’t know but if nothing turns you in then sex is probably quite boring and who wants boring sex?

  16. Inability to reach orgasm can be the result of a physical issue (alcohol use, side effect of medications, nerve issues, narrowing of blood vessels), but it can also easily be caused by stress. Women frequently complain about not being able to “get there” when they’re feeling preoccupied or anxious, and it’s considered totally normal—men are not THAT different from us, despite what we’ve all been taught. Pleasure is just as much the result of mental stimulation as it is the result of physical stimulation, and when the brain and consequently the body is not able to relax, a response to either kind can be hard to reach. To make things worse, orgasms themselves can come with an abundance of emotional baggage. They’re the culmination of a sexual experience, the indicator that a sexual encounter has been successful, that pleasure has been achieved, blah, blah, blah. As you say, the lack of one on his part makes YOU self-conscious—how do you think he feels? Men aren’t “supposed” to need any encouragement to have an orgasm. In fact, the narrative that surrounds male sexuality tends to focus more heavily on the need to dull pleasure for the sake of delayed ejaculation rather than enhance it for the sake of enjoyment.

    Jobs come with stress. Homes come with stress. Kids come with stress. Life comes with stress. I would work on taking your focus off orgasms for the sake of concentrating on stress-reduction and pleasurable sensory experience. Anything that takes him out of his head and puts him in his body, whether it’s hiking, eating, massage or sensual touch.

  17. Meds are definitely a thing… I’ve been having sun baths and that helps the testosterone issue. Communication seems to be an issue… how much time have you been married? Do you both exercise? Go the gym?

  18. Studies have proven there is a decline in testosterone associated with fatherhood. Age, stress, cardiac health are also factors.

  21. Ok this is purely wild speculation (and I’m not a woman with kids…) but you mentioned since kids it’s been mostly a no go … what do you think about the possibility that he no longer sees you as just his wife (thereby a sexual being) and sees you in a motherly role?

    Again, just a guess and could be nothing. But I’d always pondered how it’s gotta be a difficult transition to look at a woman as a sexual partner who also has birthed kiddos (example, how does playing with boobs affect a guy who loves boobs after he’s seen his lil ones taking the nourishment they need from the same breasts?) Worth an exploration.

    At the same time…ya just gotta talk about it. I’m super sexual, high libido gal and my husband and I both love having sex but our needs/desires are simply different. Sexual conversations can just get so touchy and it’s difficult to be that vulnerable. Honestly I hate having those convos because they just aren’t easy…but my God, they’re necessary.

    Anywho, all sorts of things could be at play here, but Reddit strangers can’t tell you what the culprit really is. Your SO can.

  22. Hey. I’m not sure your husband’s age, but regardless, there’s a lot of physical issues that could be causing this.

    What’s interesting is that my husband and I in our 40s have more time and interest in sex than we did when the kids were young, but our bodies aren’t always complying, if you catch my drift. Feelings can understandably be hurt, without communication.

    If he is having sex with you (or making an attempt), he is attracted to you and wants to have sex with you. ♥️ This isn’t so much advice I suppose, as it is validation

  23. I’m sure it’s already been said, but just in case; I had this issue when I was on SSRIs and benzodiazepines. My libido was nil and I almost never finished. Legit thought that I had something wrong with me.

    Once I got off the SSRIs I was at least able to enjoy myself, and getting clean from benzos boosted my self-esteem and made me far more confident in bed.

    Basically, sex went from once a month maybe to more like 1-2 a week. Would be more but we have kiddos lol. I hope this helps.

  24. I would say for the last year or so, I had trouble finishing. Right now, it’s about 50% of the time. By no means am I enjoying sex less. For me and probably a lot of people, finishing is just one small aspect of sex. Whatever you do, dont feel self conscious about it as it has NOTHING to do with you. BTW, not having sex for awhile doesn’t make it easier to finish for some of us.

  25. Ask him if he is taking any supplements or pills to last longer some male enhancement products cause this

  26. Suck his dick all the time, have sec anywhere. Stop having sex and fuck. Marriage is about keeping it nasty, casual and fun.

  27. Fatigue is a huge boner killer. My hubby cannot get his rocks off if he is tired.

  28. I (husband) have had this happen because of antidepressants. Once I was more tolerant of the meds it would still happen often, although I’d say the cause was split between meds and me just being in my head about it. Like, I’d start thinking about finishing, wanting it to happen and I’d end up psyching myself out. Never did it have anything to do with the physical appearance of my wife.

    I wouldn’t stress out too much about it, there are a lot of different reasons this could be happening but I can probably guarantee you that he is more self conscious about himself than you are about you. Even with a supportive partner it is frustrating.

  29. I often don’t finish. My goal is get please my wife, I am secondary. I have always been that way

  31. I agree with others that said it could be medical. It’s unfortunately a very embarrassing topic to bring up with any man. If he is not able to finish, its most likely about him and has nothing to do with you. Stress or any number of things can cause this to happen with a guy.

  32. Might be medication, stress, anxiety, depression, tired, lack of energy, erectile dysfunction. Try spicing up the bedroom, getting him excited, tease etc. Lots of foreplay and see what happens then.

  35. Have him see a urologist, and he must tell them what he is experiencing. There are ED meds that may help with this, but it depends on what’s wrong with him.

  38. I hope he’s not cheating on you when he can’t finish half of the time. That’s exactly what happened to my relationship.

  39. Your husband stays up playing games passed 11pm. He’s watching porn. This could be why… and it could also be contributing to a myriad of other issues in your marriage which are ultimately leading to a lack of intimacy. Ask him about porn.

  40. going through that too (except the kids part, I have one from a previous relationship) my husbands been working twice as much lately and has been taking care of me and my daughter. he’s tired. and prior to this I knew he had a difficulty with staying hard but it was never a big deal to me. but in recent months with him being so busy and tired i got self conscious too. tell him how you feel. That’s what I did. At least it clears the air and you guys can talk about it. plus my husband is 6 years older than me, he told me as men age sometimes their testosterone isn’t what it used to be

  42. My husband has this problem sometimes it’s the anti depressant medication, I think it’s important to not put pressure on him as it can cause even more performance issues, so Hug him, assure him it’s okay and ask to be finished off with hands or ask for a rain check just make it a not a big deal. I had the same problem on one particular antidepressant and my whole area was just numb and it was really depressing but having a supportive partner that was willing to just kiss and cuddle helped and i would much rather my husband be on the antidepressants than great Sex.

  43. First off been there. My wife and I have 3 kids and our sex life had started to disappear. We went from sometimes 5-7 times a week to maybe going a week or so without. As far as the not finishing part he maybe handling it on his own which is why he doesn’t just pop off when it’s been a while. To better your sex life my wife and I had a serious conversation about it. We actually came up with a schedule for it. We found that just waiting for it was not working. So now 3 day a week are set up for sex and if the mood strikes us on another day then sweet we get it even more. Also don’t forget the basics. Have a hot make out session, keep clothes on and grind him a little. Take him to the room and say do whatever you want. Keep things fun. If it gets to routine and boring neither of you is going to into it or want much anymore.

  44. Not everything can be explained by adverse effects of medication. It is not uncommon for one or both individuals in a long term monogamous relationship to lose interest in having sex with the other. It’s biology. It generally happens when a couple is in the “roommate” phase of a relationship. There are many excellent articles available online that discuss this issue. Psychology Today dated February 21, 2021 is particularly good.

  45. Encourage him to “help himself finish” in whatever manner works best. Consider adding toys and/or porn and/or role play and/or fetishes to the mix, whatever you both are comfortable with.

  46. Sex with the same person over time loses its novelty and excitement. Some people manage to trick themselves into «keeping it fresh», but thats just a bandaid.

  47. Lots of medical problems can cause this, and most can be treated. Common causes are medications, hypertension, diabetes and alcohol.

  48. Honestly, me and you should meet up. Because I am having the exact same problem but with my wife (which is how I found this post). Thanks for posting.

    Been with my wife for 13 years. Sex has slowed down significantly over the past two years.
    Low libido female is beginning to emerge. It’s showing it self in cycles, and it’s evident by the more and more arguing over it every time it comes up in conversation.

    I said a few weeks ago that we are beginning to have a sexless marriage. She says we aren’t and laughs it off.
    We used to have sex multiple times a day (sometimes) 5+ years ago. That moved to a few or a couple times a week which I was more happy with, to now maybe once every two weeks.
    To some I know that’s plenty, but I fear the trend will get worse given the past I’ve described above.

    My advances are being ignored or avoided when I initiate. She isn’t initiating at all.
    When we do do it, she doesn’t really participate. I do all the work. Or is complacent if I finish quickly (doesn’t try to turn me back on).

    This is scaring me. And could use some advice. Thank you.

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